A Brief Guide to Speculative Trading Ahead of a Nuclear Apocalypse

Here’s a five-step plan to profit from the anticipation of a nuclear doomsday. If social media and the news are filled with talk of an imminent nuclear apocalypse:

1. Pick your assets. Make a list of stocks or securities that appeal to you based on your own criteria. The key is to choose assets you feel comfortable with.
2. Identify the drops. Identify which of these assets have dropped significantly due to the apocalyptic news (do not reverse steps 1 and 2—this sequence is critical!) During widespread, quality panic, there’s usually a broad selection.
3. Set your buy orders. Place buy orders at prices 1%, 5%, and 7% below the current level, depending on your greed, available funds, and personal tolerance for catastrophe. Remember, you are solely responsible for your decisions.
4. Go to sleep. Don’t overthink it.
5. Decide in the morning. The next day, sell your positions (you can wait until lunchtime if you want) or keep them as long-term holdings to generate dividends for years—or even for your children and grandchildren.

The logic is straightforward:

• If the nuclear apocalypse happens, the money in your brokerage account won’t matter anymore.
• If it doesn’t, you have a chance to make a tidy profit.
• And if things go awry, at worst, you’ll be left holding assets you like.

Bonus Tip:
For extra peace of mind, pair this strategy with a bunker and a good supply of canned goods—because you can’t spend dividends during the fallout, but beans and spam are always in demand.