The Giant Cats Conspiracy Nobody Told You About: They're Aliens!

dragosroua (74)in #fun • 7 years ago

I'm fascinated with cats. No, I really am. I used to have them around when I was younger and I kinda grew a certain bond with them. At times, I was able to guess their next action (being it sleeping, eating or hunting) with a 56.21% accuracy.

But, in time, something happened. Slowly, my perspective changed. In the beginning, there were just small, innocent questions: "Why do we, humans, always caress them, and not the only way around?", "How can my cat know when I come home tipsy and sleep in the other room?" (I told you, I had them when I was younger and I had an agitated youth). And a few more.

As I couldn't find answers to those, apparently innocent, but slowly increasing in number and complexity, questions, I confess I became obsessed with the entire phenomenon. There was something about them. An invisible itch waiting to be scratched.

The first thing I did when I decided I want to go all in, was to get rid of the domestic ones that I still had. Since I'm quite fond of them and I also had some terrifying intuitions about what really happens behind the curtains, I did this in a very stealth, under the radar, way. I just let them grow old and die and didn't replace the departing ones with new kittens. So, in a few years, I was completely separated from their pack.

And only when I was able to observe them from afar, without being noticed, sneaking and concealing my presence under all sort of disguises, I started to reveal the mystery.

Alas, my worse predictions came true. The more I observed them, the more my theories were clicking. And they were clicking and clicking and clicking, that at some point I took a break, fearing the sound of click could warn them.

Because, my friends, the truth, the bare truth and nothing but the truth is that...

They Are Aliens!

Yes, I know. That strange feeling you get when all you thought you know about a person is suddenly blown away by some irreconcilable act that makes you think: "How the hell could I ignore this so far? The signs were always there. How could I be so blind?" You know, the type of questions you ask when, still crushed by the excruciating pain, you try to understand why your wife left with your best friend.

That's how I felt. On one side, I didn't want to believe, but on the other, the harsh reality was there, in front of me, unavoidable.

Yes. Cats are aliens.

If you could take the time to count the number of cat photos on the internet with the number of human photos, a shocking result will blow you away: they are an order of magnitude more popular than us, on our own network. And the number is growing by the day. From the Moon, our internet is already looking like it's run by cats, not by humans. And that's just one example how insidious, mischievous and deceiving their behavior is.

But don't take my word for it.

Here are the proofs, one by one:

1. The Purring

Although it seems like a way for them to express - and induce - relaxation, the purring is actually the sound made by their quantic emitters. I still don't know if they are complete aliens, or just alien probes, but I'm slightly inclined to think they are just probes, sending information and preparing the land for the big invasion.

So yes, they are only purring when you can assure their unquestionable security, and feed them with your caresses, which, according to my research are translated into subatomic energy needed for their emitters to work.

So every time you caress a cat, you're helping an alien transmit raw data about our species. Just stop for a second and think about that.

2. The Meowing

An unforgivable flaw in the design of the alien probes permitted us, humans, to test that cats can hear sounds up to 64kh, whereas humans stop at around 20khz. So when you look at a cat and see her yawning, it may be very well that she is actually communicating in an audible specter way above what we, humans, can perceive.

The "meowing" is just modulating these frequencies, in a way similar with our FM radios. It's just garbage sound produced by their advanced, instantaneous communication.

So every time you hear a cat meowing, try to understand she's actually communicating with another comrade, in ways we will, probably, never understand. Just stop for a while and think about that.

3. The Staring

And yet another bug (understandable if you think cats are the second iteration on this probe thing, the first one being what we call now tigers, cheetahs and alike) is the one about the staring. You know, when a cat suddenly freezes and looks into the void. And nothing can move her from that position. Well, that's a firmware update. They're doing exactly like my iPhone, when there's another iOS release and I have to helplessly watch it going into darkness and hope it will come out alive from it.

Whenever I see a cat entering that catatonic state, I do my best to get out of her visual range. I have this theory, you know, that during the firmware update, the visual control is transferred to the owners. Sometimes, and that really gives me chills on the back, I can even feel a pair of alien eyes behind those feline, yellow pupils, staring at me, or laughing their alien buts while I talk with their probe.

So, every time you see a cat freezing, try to understand and accept the fact she's actually upgrading her software. Just stop for a while and think about it.

There's More

But I won't put it all here. I have information that they're capable of understanding what we write and talk. Just keep an eye on this account and wait for the secret signal.

Yes, there will be a secret signal, at which we will all start the fight to get our planet back.

But I won't tell it to you here.

That's why it's secret.

image sources (Pixabay)

I'm a serial entrepreneur, blogger and ultrarunner. You can find me mainly on my blog at Dragos Roua where I write about productivity, business, relationships and running. Here on Steemit you may stay updated by following me @dragosroua.