I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"