What is it with clowns?

Every time I see Tim Curry.

This is hard for me to even write about. I am reinventing myself these days, so I'll put this out there as a way of confronting my fears.

But I ask you. What is remotely appealing about clowns?

And then there's this messed up attempt at being creepy not long ago. Seems clowns were roaming the streets at all hours wreaking havoc and instilling panic in neighborhoods. Is this friendly? Aren't they supposed to be? I mean, clowns are hired to entertain children at birthday parties. I'm still bothered by this epidemic.

When I was a new parent, I had made friends at a parenting group - you know, a new mom meet up with your baby. Except I had three (triplets!). I would take turns bringing each baby to the group and met lots of nice women. We all want new mom friends. I hit it off with a woman whose company I enjoyed. We met for lunch and compared our notes on this new parenthood thing. Soon, the babies started having their first birthday parties. I offered to come early to her house to help set up for the party. As I was leaving to go home to get my babies right before the party started, I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye. A fucking clown. It was coming to the door. As I had left via the side gate, I swear I started running and my heart was beating in my throat. We never made it to the party.

Maybe it's the idea that they wear this gross white pasty makeup. It has a funny smell. It covers their face to hide who they really are. That makes me nervous. And that red mouth? Why is it smiling so wide? The real mouth is painted over. Even if the clown had an evil grimace, it would still appear to be smiling. That's wrong. I don't like fake people. Fake smiles? Not buying it. Why is it fake? John Wayne Gacy comes to mind. He was a notorious clown. He was also a notorious serial killer.

They play with balloons. Balloons are scary because they are so fragile. They make loud noises when they pop. I hate watching them twisted into little animals and other contorted shapes. It's like nails on a chalkboard while waiting for them to explode.

Ronald McDonald? Another gross one. Red and yellow - those giant ass shoes and weird puffy pants. This is an adult.

I don't want to interact with an adult who dresses up in this way. I don't know who I am dealing with and it makes me nervous. Remember the Jack in the Box drive thrus? It used to be a plastic clown statue head that took your order. I remember being in the back seat watching my father absolutely freak out if he was the one who had to talk to the clown. Did I inherit some clown freak-out gene?

Look at it!

And then of course you have the whole idea of drunk clowns. I think there was a genre of drunk clown movies. My ex loved them. Of course he is my ex.

And then we have these charmers.

I ask you - I really beg you to tell me - what is it about clowns? I don't want to offend anyone here who maybe is a clown or loves them. For me, it's just not a good fit.