THE BEST 50 DIRTY JOKES

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!

What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.