Enclosed you will find the dastardly details of a crime most heinous commited for the sake of folly. Yes, for shits and giggles. Also, for honor and revenge.

In the world of aircraft maintenance, women are vastly underestimated. Especially when it comes to being just as gross as our male counterparts.

Let's set the scene.

This spectacular embodiment of grace and manners is my darling friend, "Sam". She is the hero of our story.

Sam was not one to fuck with. A real no nonsense kind of woman and hilarious as shit. I thought I was good at taking hell and flinging it back... until I met her.

Here you see your merry band of assholes. Myself, James, Tim, and Sam.

It was a beautiful spring day, at least, I assume. We were stuck inside charting schematics and doing ridiculous amounts of shitfuck math.

Claustrophobic as it was, we made the best by sitting at a long table in the back, throwing about whispered foulness to break up the tediousness of our studies. In the moment of hushed laughter following a pretty good dick joke, James let loose a demon from his bowels. A right fat fucking fart, and used his 15lbs book to fan the cloud of anal leakage right into the face of our laughing Sam.

The laughter cut off from all members of the party, for the exception of James. James thought it was perfection. The rest of us... the rest of us watched her eyes narrow and knew he had made a mistake.

We returned from lunch with a renewed vigor for learning. (not really) Sam sat down next to me. She looked left, she looked right, and she hoisted a bag filled to the brim with items. I didn't think much of it, until she began sitting them on the desk in front of her. And that is when it hit me.

She was lining up an arsenal.

She had gone to the local mart and selected every anal twisting, stomach gurgling, knarly ass gas forming snack she could afford. She was going to war.

I crept my hand into my bag, and pulled out a pair of ear plugs and put them in my pocket as I watched her tear through two pickled eggs and a jalapeño sausage soaking in oil.

I was about to witness a fucking MURDER.

Within 20 minutes, in the deafening silence of the room was broken by a horrendous sound. It was what I imagine a rumble of an encroaching earthquake would sound like. It was her stomach.

With a swiftness I have never known, I grabbed my ear plugs and promptly shoved them in my nostrils. Nothing left now but to wait... and watch.

Then it happened, a crack, a snap, a groan...

PRRRRPFT FFFFT BBBBBRRRRRP POP

A sigh of relief.

This is what happens when you violate a treaty, kids.

I had front rows seats to a nuclear fallout with multiple civilian casualties. You could see where the cloud was floating by gauging the gagging of its victims. James and Tim were at ground zero and suffering chemical burns.

I sat there, mouth breathing, and watching in horror. I looked to Sam and she sat back, smiled, and said...

FUCK YEAH.

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Awesome Steem me by none other than the spectacular @lauralemons