Shadow
Why do i do this everytime ?
How did i get here?
Nobody else makes me this angry
What causes the volcano that erupts when i am with her?
I am not a violent person,
With everyone else i am gentle,
I hate that in a minute i go from laughing to my hands slamming her head to the wall.
I hate the way she looks at me after, full of hate, angst and fear,
I hate the pain and guilt i feel ,
Searing from guts to my soul
My subconscious screaming at her to fight back
Make me stop,please
I beg,
It isn't that hard,
I did it once before, i stood up for myself,
When will you reach your breaking point?
Isn't it enough?
Why won't you fight?
Because i have tried,
My brain knows this is abuse,
My heart screams this is wrong
But my legs still kick her down
And my hand still stings,
This anger that belies
The very action that blows my top today if not done
By tomorrow if done will cause an avalanche of fists
Anger management classes feel useless when the demon in me takes over,
And so i watch as i the victim become the beast,
As the guilt fades
And my daughter becomes the woman i once was
A shadow.
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I cried reading this. Very gutwrenching piece and it portrays a painful reality for many especially in Nigeria where we kinda believe child abuse isnt a thing. Lately i have been rethinking hitting kids at all even as a "moderate" form of discipline. Sigh. Is it not abuse when we hit kids? Why is it not okay to slap a woman but it is okay to slap an erring child? Because they are small and we are big? Because they dont know better and we want to correct them? This is the same logic abusive men have used for years as justification for beating their wives. Sigh. We hit them as kids when they piss us off then tell them not to use their fists when angry but to dialogue. It is just somehow. Its like showing them one thing and doing something else. Most times they end up being who you showed them and the cycle just continues again. Sigh. God help us o
It is really tricky situation, especially since i started taking of my niece and cousins because everyone else will even if you don't. But i noticed when i was growing up my mom never beat us when she was angry she calmed down first and each offence already had a punishment and number of cane to collect and i have been trying to emulate.