A Love Letter To The Wounded Feminine

A Love Letter To The Wounded Feminine

My Dearest,

I know what the problem is. You don’t love yourself because you have had a lifetime of voices telling you that you are not good enough and not worthy. I have been guilty of causing so much of that and for that I am truly sorry.

You don’t give yourself permission to be happy because you are convinced you don’t deserve to be happy. You see what you think you have become and you hate it. You think, “I deserve to be miserable because I am miserable”. But that is not who you are. I know sometimes my selfish actions have failed to give you the room to find your happiness. Whenever you have an opportunity to be happy you sabotage it by blowing little things out of proportion, exaggerating things and being razor focused on the negative. But this isn’t your fault. You have a lifetime of trauma telling you to always expect to be hurt so you are constantly looking for it and what you seek you inevitably find. You are paralyzed by this fear that always seems to be lurking around the corner. An example is yesterday with the server. It was obvious she had a lot of tables and was feeling rushed but you reacted to her abruptness by calling her a bitch and demanding she not get a tip after she left. I know how you feel, I was a little offended too but looking back, it was small. Past hurts have a way of making those moments loom larger, and I hate that they’ve dimmed your empathy, which I adore in you. This isn’t your fault either though. Life has given you an overwhelming abundance of negative experiences so you are primed to feel it in a powerful way when it happens. Your empathy is your super power but it has been broken and covered by the damage others have inflicted on you. By holding on to that damage you only corrupt your true self. You end up hating yourself for it but that is not who you are. I can’t say this enough. That is the sin others like myself have piled on you that you carry with you in the form of trauma and bitterness. Learn to stop self identifying with it and let it go. You think it protects you but it only continues to hurt and poison you. True forgiveness transmutes the pain, anger and bitterness into a lesson that strengthens and enriches the incredible beauty that exists underneath all the dirt life has piled on you. But boundaries are essential. Forgiveness is not permission to invite that pain again and again, it’s rising above it and leaving it in the dust where it belongs. I know it is so much easier said than done and it can be a long painful process, but I am always here to support you on this journey drawing on my own experiences in life. I’ll do my very best not to keep adding to the trauma but please remember I’m wounded too… and sometimes I will fail. God knows I have done it to you enough. I promise to work hard on acknowledging my failures with humility and taking action to correct them when they surface. I hope you will let me continue this journey of healing with you even when they do. But if you need your space for a while, that’s ok. I understand.

Your beautiful soulful eyes reflect the pain you have been holding for so long but in their depths I see a strong, kind, giving, loving woman who is gorgeous inside and out. You freely give so much of yourself every day. You are more than enough, you are more than worthy. You work so hard for this family regardless of all the hell you have been through in life. You are an incredible woman, wife and an even more incredible mother. I know it and our kids know it. It’s time you know it too. Your radiance takes my breath away and I wonder what I have I ever done in life do deserve your love. Looking back on it… not much. You are an angel in human flesh. The devil knew this and has been working your entire life to extinguish your light… often to my shame, through me. Don’t let him win. Work hard on forgiving the trauma and releasing it for your own sake not anyone else’s. Rise up and reclaim your true self. Be proud of the strength it has cultivated in you because all that trauma hasn’t extinguished your light. It has only made it shine all the brighter. I see it clearly and it’s blinding. But most of all forgive yourself and love yourself because you are absolutely incredible and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Let me help break the effects of the generational curse that is holding both of us back.

It starts by learning not to sweat the little stuff and I can help with that! Your day is filled with little things that pile up and weigh heavily on you. Let me help share the load and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Stand up for yourself and demand it because you deserve a break from it all. Not in a passive aggressive way, “Look at me doing all the stuff again while you sit on your ass.” Practice the words, “I need some help.” I guarantee I love you and am always ready and willing to help share the load. When I can’t help or don’t help because I am sometimes oblivious… learn to be gracious with yourself and others. Don’t get frustrated that you had to do it, be proud of yourself because you were able to do it. You are a tough strong woman and it is time you started giving yourself credit for it. You have cultivated a lifetime of strength given what you have been through and you can handle so much more than you give yourself credit for. I know I need to work on not being so oblivious to your needs. Please don’t be too afraid of helping me do that because you don’t want to interrupt whatever pointless thing I am engaged in. I shouldn’t be neglecting you in your moment of need. You worry too much about what other people want and not enough about what you need and it causes resentment. Stand up for your needs and communicate them, you deserve to have them met. I know you feel like you shouldn’t have to ask but you absolutely should! That is part of learning to be assertive and stand up for yourself. Plus I can be very aloof and am not the best mind reader so please don’t expect too much of that from me. Although I will still try as much as I can to save you the trouble of asking. And as we work on this together I guarantee I will get better at paying attention and anticipating your needs.

Learning not to sweat the little stuff also includes things like getting a soupy unpleasant margarita at the Mexican restaurant we love. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you just have to roll with it until something better comes along. Resist the urge to send it back and have it remade. That just enables the negative mentality. Sometimes we have no choice but to sit in the discomfort and need to learn to accept that it is just life, sometimes good sometimes bad. If you want, practicing accepting hardships in little ways like this will help build your resilience when life hits you hard. But if you need to send it back in order to assert your needs that is ok too. You deserve a good margarita. Just know that when bad things do happen you can be certain that something positive will come your way eventually. Be ready and waiting for it. Search hard for it and expect it. The situation you are in now isn’t the end of the world so don’t let it ruin your whole day. The next drink will be much better. When the horrible does inevitably happen it is ok to feel disappointed, overwhelmed over stressed, whatever you feel. Never apologize for your emotions. They are a beautiful part of who you are. Remember, I am always here for you to unleash and vent when you need to.

Here’s another thing. Stop blaming yourself for being a burden. You are not a burden you are just a normal woman. Yes, you can be a lot sometimes but there is nothing wrong with that and the “so called” burden is nothing I can’t handle. God brought us together for a reason and if he didn’t think I could take it he wouldn’t have done it. You are a blessing and an answer to a prayer, not a burden. Yesterday in the shoe store you felt guilty because you were having such a hard time deciding and had me running around the store borrowing my sock to try on shoes 15 times. It’s ok, you wanted to be absolutely certain you were making the right choice and there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t blame yourself for being normal. You were so sweet too because you wanted to reward me for putting up with you, but you don’t need to do that either. You were teaching me patience which is something I need more of and I thank you for that. That was reward enough that I will forever take with me. I think your essence is beautiful not a burden. Lean into it and challenge me and just sit back and watch how we grow together. Don’t be afraid to be the incredible woman you are. We are meant to test and balance each other like iron sharpens iron and that is a good thing. Sure cultivating strength in me can be uncomfortable and I might grumble some times. But that is something you deserve praise for…not something you should ever have to apologize for.

It’s going to take a lot of work to retrain your mind to think this way. Please don’t get discouraged and down on yourself when you fail. It’s going to happen so forgive yourself in advance. You have a lifetime of pain to work through that has trained you this way. It won’t happen overnight. But I have a lot to offer in the way of learning not to sweat the little things and I am here to help you if you will have it. I see the stunning woman you are and I can show you if you like. Let’s explore it together.

I know this probability feels like more of an analysis and a lecture than a love letter and I’m sorry for that. I can’t help it, problem solving is what I was made to do. I’m not trying to fix you so please don’t take what I’ve said the wrong way. I just want to love you through this and heal side by side. I know what the problem is. The problem was never you… it was me. I did this to you. But if you can learn to stop looking at me like the cause of all your problems maybe I can learn to get out of my own way and be a part of the solution.

Love Always,
The Wounded Masculine