GRAD SPEECH KUNO

Graduates, faculty, parents, grandparents, friends, enemies, frienemies… janitors, manong security guard, and aspiring watchers and/or stalkers that goes to events like this for no apparent reason, good morning and congratulations to us the JRU batch of 2015. Today I stand before you not with a potent filled steroid of unwavering enthusiasm; instead, I stand before you with a subtle yet steady sense of lousiness. The same lousiness that helped me get through my astronomical failure of a college life. Honestly, I can’t help but feel I went through college in reverse. Learning early that attendance is a choice for those who know better and #walangforever to those who know less. That coffee is served better with ice after a long night of music and beer, and more importantly, that life beyond the gates of the university is harsher and ironically more interesting than any school organization, festival or event this establishment has to offer. So if you feel like you’ve wasted the last four years of life doing nothing of importance within the school then good news. Things are going to get worse from here on out. Believe me… you have no idea.

Let me tell you a story about a kid. A kid who was when first asked what he wanted to be when he grew up answered: “to be a doctor so I can help people.” That kid grew up to be a fat ass geek of sort. And instead of actually helping people he ended being a big pain in the ass for anyone who was concern enough to actually care for him. That kid never became a doctor either. He grew up as a man of many faults. To put it more blatantly, that man became a loser. A failure of a gem that just wouldn’t sparkle hard enough. Raw talent wasted from the pursuit of idealistic forms of arts and crap like that. That man went through all the things he wanted to do hurting himself and a lot of other people in the process. And yet he kept going. He kept failing and standing up. People started saying how strong he has become. “You have a braveheart,” they said. All he ever really had was a stubborn disposition. That man failed so much at life he actually stopped trying to win. And that was the best decision of his life.

His own standards were ultimately his own downfall. And though admittedly he still lives within the boundaries of those standards, he at least learned simply to ignore all forms of expectation. To live life like an optimistic survivor of a post-apocalyptic zombie-infested disaster. To have the mentality of “I might actually die tomorrow so why even give a damn?” That same man is standing in front of you all not a doctor but still pretty much a loser, only this time, he actually has proof that he has somehow actually won at something. And that he has become a better man.

That’s right im way hotter now. Why? Because now I have a degree… …get it?

So what’s the point of all this? The point is that life sucks now, and it’ll continue to suck. The future is not a bright butterfly covered paradise. It’s a pitch black void of questions and conflict. And that tomorrow is not the start of something new. It is the start of something true. So if your concern at this point is still who’s sleeping with who, when’s the next episode of one piece, is the person beside you secretly gay, what’s next for one direction, kung meron o walang forever or any other mundane crap you still think matters, then I have one piece of advice for you. Wake the fuck up, because life’s about to own you… like a bitch. You’re going to argue with life a lot of times as I have. And I guarantee at some point you are going to fail. And it will hurt... like a bitch. And just when you thought you made it through that failure you’re going to fail again... again, like a bitch.

Life is a never-ending thesis, with no real hypothesis and the only true conclusion is death. This said thesis has no real name. It will be revised a billion times throughout your lifespan and not amount to shit. But you must not waver because how this thesis ends does not matter, but how you wrote it does. And when you figure out that the only real statement of the problem is yourself then congratulations you've already proven that you’re way smarter than any panel in defense.

And though this speech might have prompted you to fear failure itself, it was never my intent. I believe it was Conan O'Brien himself who said that “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.”

The diploma you’ll get today does not define your worth. Ultimately it is your duty as now a full pledge part of society to prove that you’re actually worth your diploma.

To all the individuals graduating with honors, I salute you. You've proven to be the crème of the crop, the best of the best, the leche flan on my halo-halo and the ice cream of the day.

But to all the slackers who prefer popping up a bottle of beer instead of actually trying to open up a book. I salute you even more. In spite of your mediocrity and faculty obscurity, you've managed to stand equal to the best of the best and the rest of the student body. You've made it. We've made it.

Seven years, four schools and three courses later I stand before you now. Behind a metaphoric none existent podium. Saying, congratulations both to everyone and myself. Because despite all the adversaries that has spawned upon our wake. We have managed to get this far. And though the future left ahead of us is bleak, I find comfort in knowing that it’ll be an interesting one. Thank you very much for listening and again congratulations to us batch of 2015.

… like a bitch!