Twenty Four Hours Later

My Grandmother died 24 hours ago...

I was never close with my grandmother, but I loved her and I don't doubt that she loved me too. So although we didn't have a close relationship, it still sucks. My aunt (her daughter) just died after a third fight with Cancer a couple months ago. Yesterday was just too much, I have had a couple brief crying sessions since I received the news yesterday. I will be attending her funeral in a couple days, I missed my aunt's funeral and I regret that, I think it is important for me to not make that mistake again. Both of my Dustin's grandmas died in 2017, I had a closer relationship with them, they lived much closer, but I still only saw them a handful of times a year. As I age more and more people I care about die. That's death, or maybe that's life?!?! It brings me back to "You think you have time." You don't. Tell people you love them....often.

When I was 14 years old, we moved 80 some miles away from my hometown. That is where the majority of my extended family lives. That was over 20 years ago, and where I live now is "home" but it did make it more difficult to maintain/create close relationships with my extended family. The road is just as long both ways so I don't blame the lack of relationships on the other parties, it is just as much my fault, as I have been an adult for many years now.

In my childhood, I remember my grandma buying girl scout cookies from me, I remember visiting her on Halloween for King Sized candy bars, I remember big family dinners on holidays. I remember fingers stained red from pistachios, seafoam that my aunt had perfected, viewing the zillions of photos my grandmother had displayed prominently and proudly. I clearly remember sitting at her house playing many games of Uno with my siblings. She showed up when I graduated from high school, and for the baby shower for my first born. Even in my adult life she has always sent birthday cards to my kids. When I would visit she would prepare me the grossest instacoffee, which I always accepted and drank, even in my adulthood my grandmother would hug and kiss me. Just last week my dad had told me she wanted me to come over and see if I wanted anything from her house. I think she knew her time was near. She has been sick for years now. It has been six months or so since I talked to her, maybe a little longer...I haven't actually seen her in 2 years.

I could sit here and what if or if only myself for days on end, but that isn't helping me and it won't bring her back. Im glad I have the memories I do, I'm glad she is no longer in any pain.She a long life, her age has always been elusive to me, she would always say "Just celebrated my 28th birthday. She was in her late 20s my whole life. Realistically, she was in her early 90s.

I'm not a religious person but this bit comes from the Bible

For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing. -Ecclesiastes 9:5

Anytime someone dies, this gets stuck in my head. I won't pretend to know why. Grief is for the living, it's a long process sometimes, it could potentially last a life time. No one can tell you how to appropriately grieve, and I am sure... that I am not sure what is appropriate for my own grieving right now. My brain feels foggy and I am super sleepy. I feel some sort of way...a sad way.

Some days are too much....Today is some day

All the love-