Dear Diary: I Was Only Able To Eat Once Today Because of Anxiety And Troubling Thoughts

I slept all day today maybe because I am having an anxiety attack, no appetite, didn't like the food, having a lot to think about my condition, or all of the above mentioned. Anxiety is a taste-perversing condition, your mouth will dry up and sense of smell and taste temporarily gone if not very affected with a sustained attack.

I think I really have all the reasons to get sad and blue, it is because of the obvious reasons. No matter I want not to worry the picture of my situation in life and the future for me just keeps on going in front of my face to see, that reality really is hard to accept no matter how hard I am trying to fight and not think about it.

Leontiasis is so unfair, why does it still want to bring me down? Why can't it stop on its tracks no matter how much expenditure that I am doing just to control it? It is one of the most terrible medical condition, and patients like me just cannot cope anymore.

I will be lying if I did had some thoughts of ending my life. In fact I accidentally did many years ago when I was trying to make a solution to my insomnia. To good or maybe too bad that the medicine that I took was dialyzable so I was detoxified while in a coma and was brought back (awoken) after three dialysis from the hospital and my brain returned to life again but my body shrunk as I was brought down to my dry weight.

After that I saw my image in the mirror when the puffiness went away as my facial edema got corrected at least temporarily and I was touching my face in front of the mirror at that time because I haven't seen my face before without edema. But now I am as ugly as I can be physically which adds to my anxiety which adds to my appetite loss and the cycle continues like a snowball.

But I won't kill myself, I had been fighting for so long that it will be foolish to give up since many people are with me, supporting me to carry on with life. It is just I feel like my fate is sealed and i can never do anything about it no matter how wiser I am managing it. I needed prayers and maybe God still will listen and make miracles and also give me additional strength to bear these sandwich of a burden, such a life this is.