The Healing Paradox: Why Fixing Yourself Can Feel Like Breaking Down
Ever been there? You're doing all the things. Therapy sessions? Check. Mindfulness meditation? Nailed it. Journaling your feelings, eating your greens, hitting the gym, getting your eight hours, even setting those tricky boundaries? Triple check! You're basically a self-help guru in training.
And yet... you feel worse.
Instead of feeling lighter, brighter, and ready to conquer the world, you feel like you've somehow managed to dig yourself into an even deeper hole. Emotions you thought were long buried are suddenly popping up like uninvited guests at a party. Memories you worked so hard to forget are playing on repeat. It's frustrating, exhausting, and honestly, a bit alarming. You start wondering if you should just throw in the towel, grab a blanket, and go back to numbing out. (Been there, bought the t-shirt.)
What gives?! Are you doing it all wrong? Is everyone else out there magically "healing" with rainbows and butterflies while you're stuck in the mud?
Here’s the thing, my friend: you're probably doing it right.
Welcome to the "Messy Middle" of Healing
Think of it like renovating an old house. You start with the best intentions, dreaming of open spaces and sparkling new finishes. But before you can get to the beautiful reveal, what happens? Chaos! Walls get torn down, dust is everywhere, there are tools scattered, wires hanging out, and your living space becomes an absolute disaster zone. It feels broken, unlivable, and definitely worse than when you started, even with all its old, outdated charm.
Healing can be exactly like that. For years, maybe decades, we've built up coping mechanisms, suppressed emotions, and developed strategies (like constantly pleasing others, bless our little fawn-response hearts) just to survive. These might not have been healthy, but they were familiar and, in their own way, kept us "safe" from confronting deeper pain.
When you start therapy, mindfulness, or any deep healing work, you're essentially picking up the emotional sledgehammer. You're starting to dismantle those old walls, clear out the dusty corners, and face what's been hidden underneath.
Why It Feels Worse Before It Feels... Anything Else
- You're Waking Up: Before, you might have been disconnected from your feelings as a survival mechanism. Now, you're learning to actually feel. And guess what? Some of those feelings are heavy, sad, angry, or just plain painful. It's like turning up the volume on a song you've been muting for years – suddenly, all the instruments are blasting!
- Grief Takes Its Turn: You might be grieving the childhood you didn't have, the person you thought you were, or even the loss of your old coping mechanisms (even if they weren't good for you, they were a form of comfort). Grief is a messy, intense process, and it often comes with a whole parade of difficult emotions.
- Dismantling is Harder Than Building: It takes effort to break down old patterns. Confronting trauma, processing difficult memories, and learning new ways of being is incredibly challenging. It's not a gentle stroll through a field of daisies; it's often a wrestling match with your past.
- The New Doesn't Feel Natural Yet: Learning new tools, like setting boundaries or expressing your true needs (especially if you're a recovering people-pleaser), can feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable at first. You're stepping into uncharted territory, and that can be scary!
You Are Not Failing. You Are Feeling.
The absolute most important thing to remember when you're in this "messy middle" is that feeling worse isn't a sign of failure. It's often a sign that you're actually doing the deep, necessary work. You're not regressing; you're often processing.
It's like having a deep cut that's been festering under the surface. It looks fine on the outside, but it's getting worse internally. When you finally clean the wound, it's going to hurt like heck, and it might look uglier before it starts to heal properly.
So, if you're feeling like your mental health is taking a detour to "worse-ville" despite all your heroic efforts, take a deep breath. Be incredibly kind and patient with yourself. This isn't a race, and there's no perfect timeline. Listen to your body, lean on your support system, and know that sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is just to keep feeling through the discomfort, trusting that on the other side of this messy renovation, there's a stronger, more authentic you waiting to emerge.
You've got this.
Inspired by: My mental health is getting worse the more I try to fix it