One of the things that shocks me in these platforms, is that there is talent in many cases, but sometimes they dedicate it to write less literary things (General case).
Particular case. The plot of this story is interesting. You have the skill and the angel of the writer. And you show it because I have read the whole story. So you have captured the reader's attention and that is extremely important. I didn't abandon the story in the first paragraph. But according to my modest opinion. In recent years, the technological revolution has changed the paradigms of how people interact and consume literature. People don't seem to have time to dedicate to reading stories and novels. It's all about the now, the immediacy.
So stories now should be like a gunshot (in most cases) or a lightning bolt in others. Action, speed, precision, force. Fluidity. What struck me, the intrusiveness of the author. The reading of the author's thoughts within the text. The breaking of the plot to introduce ideas of the writer, within the narrated space. Examples: *Our elders have taught one thing.
The story should begin with this sentence. It's great, it's powerful. The evil eye eats away at a person's happiness like a termite. And then weave the story around that. The story told by its characters.
Note: Many rose novels, from the last century, were written this way. But in my humble opinion, that should no longer be the norm. Although there are readers for all types of works. We are here to adapt and reach a wider audience.
@wakeupkitty