Marriage 50/50; Fair or Impossible?"

Introduction

Marital issues can be very complicated. What works for Mr A may not go well with Mr B. What Mrs XYZ tolerates in her home, I bet you Mrs ABC can't stand it for a minute. That's why, some pressing issues, especially in the area of finance and paying of bills etc. should be well discussed during courtship to avoid disaster in the marriage.

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In one of the marriage seminars I attended some years ago, a woman said she couldn't ask her husband for money for feeding. To her, she's working, and why should she tell the husband to buy food at home? That is for her. Immediately she mentioned that there were loud noise from other women in the room. I guess amongst all the women who attended the event, she was the only one who could buy food sufficiently to feed her family without asking the husband for a dime.

Now tell me, should all married women buy food for the family or ask their spouses for money? It's difficult to ascertain, right? Let's get into the contest questions.

In your opinion, does “equal” always mean “fair” in marriage? Explain

I will say partially yes and partially no. In terms of bills, I don't think they should be shared. It's a general belief in my culture that a man should provide for his household. That provision covers all types of bills at home.

If you doubt me, a typical African man is not a lazy man, he provides everything for his family because that's what makes him a man. With that he can speak aloud in men's meetings and gatherings without being shut up by others.

The truth is, a man should pay all the bills. If he's not capable, there's no harm if he seeks an assistant from his wife. Remember she is a helpmeet, just to assist the man. It shouldn't be compulsory unless she has made a commitment to help if the man is not buoyant or doesn't earn as much as the woman.

In terms of chores, African society has made that compulsory for women. Yes, the woman should do the chores. If he volunteers to help, fine. If he doesn't, then we move. The truth is, house chores are difficult in this part of the world, not in some parts of the world where machines are used in the home to get chores done easily. With that, you could find a man packing clothes into the washing machine or plates into the dishwasher and that is done quickly without any waste of time. In my country, Nigeria, imagine if you find someone's husband spreading his legs wide to wash the children's clothes. People will say what they like.

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In all of these, love and understanding is the ultimate here. There are some points I feel I should help my husband, not because he has asked me to help, but because I feel we're in a marriage together, so he shouldn't be the only one spending money on bills. And, I don't have a housekeeper or nanny for my children, we both run the chores together. While I bathe my children, he helps to rub cream on them and put on their clothes. That's pure understanding. We don't wait for the other to faint before giving a lifting hand to support.

I'm in support that everything in marriage should be done in love, not because it's anyone's duty. The aim of it is to have a happy and peaceful home.

It looks almost the same, but equal doesn't mean fair in marriage. Equality means having to make everything the same way. It still boils down to the issue of 50/50. If he treats me well, I should also treat him the same way. If not, whatever he gives, he should receive the same.

Meanwhile, fairness is the treatment that is given to someone based on the fact the person desires to be treated that way.

If one partner earns more money or has a busier job, should the other take on more house chores?

Yes, the available person should help. Any day the other person is free, he/she can give a helping hand. Or better still, hire a housekeeper if you can pay for their services, that's fine. Love is sacrifice.

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What are practical ways couples can balance responsibilities without feeling stressed or unfairly treated?

1. Love: I mentioned earlier that couples should treat each other with love. If you love your spouse, you won't be happy seeing that he/she is being stressed. Because of that love, you'll be eager to help without feeling stressed. When you help your spouse, the person will feel relieved.
2. Understanding: When there's understanding in marriage, couples will not feel entitled to anything, they will help each other without unnecessary stress.
3. If you feel stressed or uncomfortable about any aspect, feel free to discuss that issue. Find a peaceful resolution to that. If you feel splitting up the bills will ease both of you, then go for it. If not, find a possible levelled ground.

Note: Do what works for you based on your understanding of your spouse, avoid using other people's theories. It may not work for you, choose yours wisely.

I'm inviting @okere-blessing @okechukwu-martha and @chilaw