I held hands with a man last night

I don't really like clubs much but if the music is experimental and interesting and if there is a community that connects through the space, I might like it. So there are two spaces like that that I go to sometimes and I went to one last night, just to pop in and see what was going on.

I went with a friend and we chatted for a while and spent about 30 minutes dancing. We didn't have enough time to make many friends while we were there and we had 20 minutes before we had to go catch the last train. My friend turned to me and said "Hey, don't get the wrong idea, you know I'm not gay, but would you mind dancing with me?"

I loved that he could ask that.

At the same time, the invitation forced me to bump into a few boundaries that I had that I don't usually notice that I have. I felt good about saying "sure" but then when it came to actually dancing with him, I felt so awkward. He held my hand and I immediately froze up. I have never really held a mans hand, short of a few holding-hands-in-a-circle experiences. I am not homophobic by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't really care all that much what people think of me....so why did I freeze?

We all have our own culture which is influenced by the culture of the people who surround us, which obviously has something to do with our country, religion, economic situation, profession, hobbies and a myriad of other things. In a small community we can influence the culture around us to some degree but we are still influenced by what we have experienced.

I hadn't realized how uncomfortable holding hands with a man made me. I didn't realize how deeply I associate physical touch with sexual intimacy. Sure I hug friends, most of which I am not attracted to physically, but there are all kinds of boundaries, some of which make sense, and some which I feel do not. There are associations which I am completely unaware of in my daily life. Holding hands with a man or a woman who I'm not attracted to is still something I am a little uncomfortable about. I love the idea of breaking this down.

It doesn't mean I want to hold hands with anyone and everyone. It's still a kind of intimate thing. But I feel it is something I shouldn't have so many rules about, even subconscious rules. If it was a stranger, I would not feel much of a desire to break down this boundary. But with one of my closest friends here, why not?

Another thing that was outside of my comfort zone was his tendency for formal dance, tango, salsa, and the like. He didn't force me into that but his way of dancing was very much influenced by that, while I am a happy jellyfish flopping around the dance floor. I'd like to be comfortable enough with myself that I don't feel so insecure and uncomfortable to try some kind of dance that has meaning and history. It doesn't mean I have to love salsa or tango. But in that moment, why should it phase me at all.

I have been in some situations where I forced myself out of my comfort zone in a very loud and showy way, joking about it in order to hide my insecurities. That is where a lot of my psychical interaction with men has been. This was different, there was no show, it was just for the sake of trying it and becoming more aware of ourselves and more comfortable with ourselves.

So I spent a short 3 minutes dancing with him and holding his hand, just as an exercise in expanding my boundaries and feeling more comfortable with myself. And it was totally awesome. Short enough to not feel forced, and long enough to achieve it's intended effect.

We went back to my place and talked for 3 hours about our hopes and dreams and he went home, and it was a totally non-sexual experience, just two friends who are, for all intents and purposes (although I don't usually like to label my sexuality), straight. I really appreciate him for the whole experience and I'd like to challenge myself like that more.

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