When a Sidewalk Judge Mom-Shames a Mom

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Sometimes a stranger's words can hurt more than a child's scream.

A child was throwing tantrums, his mom tried to pacify him. The child would not listen. She tried a little harder. Kept asking him, "What's the matter?" "Come and sit with me." "What do you really want?"

But the more she spoke, the louder he cried.

She gets frustrated and says out loud, "What's the meaning of all these?"

Someone passing by the road hears her and says, "What do you expect when you don't train your child to behave properly".

I froze.

In my 15 years of teaching kids, I've come to understand one thing: that a child's "meltdown" is never about bad parenting. At first, when kids gave me a hard time, I always felt like I lacked knowledge on how to control the kids in my care.

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But over time, I've grown to understand that when a child misbehaves in public, either at the mall, public place or home, often times, it isn't because their parents or caregivers are doing a bad job.

• It's not lack of training
• Not lack of discipline
• But rather, just a child trying to show how they feel. At this point, their brain isn't fully grown yet. The prefrontal lobe, which is in charge of logic and self-control, is still being built. It takes time for them to learn how to talk about their feelings in a healthy way.

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Sometimes, a child could have a meltdown and you try to meet their needs by asking how they feel. Yet, they continue acting in a super annoying way.

What then do you do?

It's understandable for the parent to feel overwhelmed. But what's not acceptable is judging the people or criticising them harshly.

When a mother is judged or shamed in these situations, she might begin to feel the sudden urge to:

• Yell or punish the child just to stop the noise, making these kids feel uncomfortable to express their feelings later on.
• Dismiss their feelings by saying, "Stop crying" or "You are fine".
• Give many instructions at once, or
• Use threats

All these end up aggravating the child even further.

So, when next a child throws a tantrum, let's remember that the mother or parent is doing their best with a difficult moment. Also, as a parent or caregiver, please remember that the child's behaviour isn't a reflection of your parenting. You are trying and we respect that.

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Let's discuss

• If you were that mom, how would you have responded to the stranger?
• How would you respond to the child at that moment?

Many new moms and prospective parents would love to learn as well.