I Bleed Myself Dry for Them
But monsters wouldn't grow hearts; they would only grow more monstrous
A Note on the Experience: I’m testing a new concept today. After reading @corpsekaizen’s work, I realized how much music can amplify the weight of a word. This isn't just to be read; it’s to be felt. Please play the track as you read and walk through this with me.
The Haze
at the dawn of my last days
now that I'm fallen to their wicked ways
with my dignity vanished
and my reputation tarnished
I finally see the truth through the haze
I feel targeted, caught in a maze
it was the universe, or was it the mortal hands
making their cruel and unreasonable demands?
far too fond of playing with my livelihood
keeping me tied up in these dark woods
tripping me up, watching me fall
their laughter pierced every crack in the wall
I built it from nothing, every inch of this ground
no safety net, no supporting hand to be found
no inheritance, just the sweat and the bone
digging in the dark, all alone
but it crashed at the speed of light
a splinter of time, a lifelong work
dissipates where the manipulators lurk
The Verdict
in the wreckage, the old ghosts in the mirror say
did I not do enough? Is this what I deserved?
was I naughty?
why do I have to pay for the crimes
of others at the end of the day?
but an investigation into the circumstances of the tragedy
on its arduous, blood-shedding path, has reached a verdict
I must stop taking everything, blaming myself
I must get rid of that desperate belief
that I am special enough
for toxic people keep their manners
or even be nice to me
believing I could fill that void
was just a poor excuse for their poor behavior
I realize now that something has to change
and it isn't them
it's me
The Lockdown
so now, it's my party and…
I shall be the one holding the guest list
only those worthy will be invited inside
the ones with records? they stay on the outside
I will no longer gamble
on ghost of potential
or hope they'll play nice
I've already paid the ultimate price
I know they're still there, lurking in the dark
an open threat against every spark
watching my moves, waiting for a crack
but I see them now - and I'm not looking back
I see what they're doing
I will not bleed myself dry to keep someone else alive
only to realize that I'm just feeding their monstrous urge
I can smell the lies, I can see the truth
I'm slamming the door, let them rot in their darkness
Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash
A quick note: As most know, my health has worsened. Managing my condition & constant hospital commutes are exhausting my daily spoons. Writing is my lifeline — the one thing I can still do while managing treatments or being bedbound by a flare-up.
If you find value in my work, please consider buying me a coffee. Your support is vital & goes directly toward my medical expenses. Thank you.
©Britt H.
Thank you for reading this.
More about the person behind the writing in My Introductory Post
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I hope whatever you are struggling with, the health and the expenses, you get through it. It is a very disappointing state when all your expenses are tied to a thing you cannot even control. I hope you recover and continue to write.
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No words can explain this level of anguish. I can make peace with aging, but I struggle to accept a lack of health caused by the choices of others.
It is hard to function properly with health conditions and the grim part is that it continues to deteriorate as we age. Hope you get better soon and enjoy everything that life has to offer.