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RE: I'm Just a Cold-Blooded Bitch
I hope that meeting him again after 14 years was a pleasant and healing experience for you.
I understand exactly what you mean—we all have our own lives to lead.
The situation with this friend is difficult because it happened at a time when I was beginning to push everyone away. I just wanted to be alone to deal with my own 'impending doom.'
Yet, after all those sacrifices, that doom exploded in my face anyway, and I lost a good friend in the process. I often beat myself up for being such an ingrate.
I have thought about visiting his grave, but I’m still very weak emotionally. Even just thinking about it makes me feel so overwhelmed. I’m afraid that if I go, I might just have a complete breakdown right there on the spot.
Yes, it was and still is a very good experience. We speak nearly daily and have a lot in common and will always be together no matter where we are or stay. Some things are meant to be I guess even if it's sad or brings more sadness than happiness. Things would have gone differently if he would have spoke out his mind or at least would have given a slight hint. Instead we both said we would emigrate. 😖
Part of your life was that you tried to survive and pushing away others was part of that. I find it normal, but hey I am like a cat, they leave to to die alone.
If it comes to visiting the grave...you are prepared which makes a difference, but I can tell you as I visited after many years the grave of my grandmother I didn't feel a connection (strange) had a talk with my grandfather I never knew and left. I never felt the need to return.
You can also do it at home. The graveyard wasn't the place he loved to hang around or? It's good to have a talk and say goodbye or stay together.
🍀❤️
It isn’t the kind of thing people expect; it's not like watching a movie where everything has to have a neat closure, or where life is simply a matter of being 'in' or 'out.' Sometimes there are things we just know in our hearts, and we choose to keep them that way. For sure, things might have turned out differently—perhaps not even as good—once they were blurted out, as that often creates a weight of expectation.
I spoke to him almost like a prayer, as if I were talking to my guardian angel. A graveyard is just a symbolic thing—it’s just the tangible part of it.