Star Pig !!
Star Pig !!
If it wasn't for this whole global pandemic thing and all the fine American restaurants sitting around in limbo right now with everyone else, I would send you a hopefully-charming and certainly-respectful little note politely requesting a date with the awesome and lovely ** STAR PIG ** !! -- not for a romantic evening, or even a tranquil evening, but just because we want to stick oot our snouts for-the-heck-of-it where they may-or-may-not belong and really really PTFO (pig the f*** out) on a pile of Chinese buffet. Damn that would be a lot of fun!
Just so I don't go too far without yet going far enough, and with the most accessible sweet spot sometimes proving very difficult to locate in the type of situations like this one that operate under the banner of Any Given Situation - there's a lot of for example historical momentum behind other similarly-intended banners like Once Upon a Time...
As in, once upon a time, I met Star Pig !! at the Great Dragon Buffet. We had fun pigging out and we had even more fun pretending everything was sushi, and the only rule of that game that we bothered following was that before we took a bite of something new we had to look the other pig in the eye and tell him/her what kind of roll it was.
By way of example, I told the gorgeous Star Piggly-Wiggly, excuse me I mean Star Pig !!, that "Now I'm going to try the spread-out-breaded-chicken-bits-laquered-in-cheap-but-tasty-before-it-becomes-cloying-after-you-eat-too-much-but-not-enough-red-saucey-sauce roll" and she giggles at that and after maybe peeing her pants out of a brief but uncontrollable burst of pleasure despite the fact that neither of us were wearing pants as pigs but only shirts and shoes, the minimal requisite for service upon entry, and maybe this will strike you as a surprise but it was not even all the peeing and pooping we were doing while we were eating and play-pretending that was in fits and bursts making its way from our bodies, onto the chairs, and on down to the floor that ultimately represents the impetus that got us kicked out of that restaurant before we had finished eating ourselves to the point of absolute stupor, and all we really know about it is the affable Johnny scolding us on our way out that "It takes a real couple of pigs to joke around about Chinese food being Japanese food in a Chinese restaurant", but we were laughing all the way home thinking about how the affable Johnny had turned all red in the face and all black in the eye, and the thing that really kept us laughing even harder was the thought of Johnny being stuck cleaning up all the mess we had left - the piss & the s*** - literally everywhere and we didn't care much-if-at-all about having offended poor Johnny on that basis because we were a couple of pink American pigs that just wanted to get back to my trough, a sweet spot which was close enough to the sweet sweet spot where we were really going, because what we really wanted to do after all that fun will only be described as becoming one in that place in time namely "a sushi roll in the hay", or even "two pigs in a blanket" ((again) of hay) and all the while not-much-caring about Johnny's, anybody's, or our own history...but before we get any bit farther ahead of ourselves let us remember that while at this point both myself and Star Pig !! are undoubtedly primed for the down-and-dirty getting that will soon get done, all the while in that instance generating a special secret that was just between Star Pig !! and I and I am going to hint-hint try not to tell you, we are in fact still sitting there in the poopy pee-piles on our chairs and playing a game whose first rule (look him/her in the eyes before eating) is meant more as a suggestion and whose only other rule (name the food after a sushi roll) is meant to be followed with a stringency without whose backing the game runs the risk of not being fun, and in case you the reader has forgotten after all this time, I just said "Now I am going to try the spread-out-breaded-chicken-bits-laquered-in-cheap-but-tasty-we'll-just-say-before-you-or-me-or-anyone-else-for-that-matter-eats-too-much-of-it-and-it-goes-from-being-tasty-to-(being)-cloying-saucey-sauce-sauce roll" and after giggling and peeing and before we got off track and eventually lived happily-ever-after the end.
Star Pig !! responded "Oh yeah, how is it?" and I responded "Pretty spread out" and she didn't giggle but said "Now I'm going to try the tantalizing-by-way-of-being-forbidden-yet-flavorful-cannabalistic-fried-egg-roll roll" and I exclaimed "Oh yeh?! That'll make a poop !!!!!"
And there are certainly others, but we'll stick with Any Given Situation in this given situation, thanks be to God for the giving and to the angels for their protection & mercy, and we're going to put a bow on this as follows: there's a little secret that I'm not supposed to tell you if for no other reason than that loose lips sink ships, but since I know I can trust you I am going to tell you: I called her War Pig back in that hay loft: it was supposed to be our sultry secret: she called me her four-star general: that stopped the sauce right then and there: "Only four stars?": "Well how many do you need, big boy?": "I need all of them": "Say it again. I like a man with ambitions": "I need all of them": "You'll be my Infinite Star Mercenary General. How do you like that?": "I like it a lot": and all that came next was a bunch of Eskimo-kissing, which pigs have a natural evolutionary knack for, it turns out, and the rest was history, maybe?
But all that being said, I should have never told you that secret. Now Star Pig !! will never trust my ability to keep a secret, she'll never fulfill my dream of her becoming War Pig, and therefore I'll never fulfill my dream of becoming the Infinite Star Mercenary General ISMG. I guess it's not going to happen now. Cat's out of the bag. And everbody knows that the pig who can take enough time off of social media these days to come up with a convincing strategy for snaring a cat, to say nothing of the miracle it would take for him to pull it off even if he got to the place where he would try, yes, we all know that's just some mythical pig, a distant hypothetical that we humans hope we'll never have to rely upon for sustenance, no matter how scarce resources get before the world ends, and before the world ends, I starve to death, or that cat-out-of-the-bag does everything it could ever do outside of that bag in any universe known or un- while still maintaining certain ranges of fluctuation that allow it to be considered at least in one sense or another the same cat eventually gets bored of everything and crawls back into the bag and forces me to start rethinking and reconsidering the potential for that date once again after all...that roll in the hay...I'm going to call it a...dang she's pretty.
-such were the musings of a random pig, as he gazed for the first time at the lovely blue-and-pink visage of the indelible Star Pig !!
#foundation #story #burnsteem25 #tales