A Rant On Psycological Health Conditioning; Why Do Unwell People Sometimes Decide to Remain An Enigma?
I pride myself to be a very private person but circumstances surrounding some conditioning in my life has required me to be public, vocal and often relay my feelings on a daily basis. This has been problematic and I find it difficult to often find catharsis from these events that sorrounds my life.
Im somebody who is very vague, I like to be enimatic and I like to be anonymous, I have experienced all sort of things in life, ranging from pain to shame and because of this I find only my world, my mind and my Imagination to be the only comfortable place for me.
I like to keep my undoings to myself and of course this is because irrespective of how dependable people seems they often tend to disappoint you when you need them and this is obviously the main reason why I trust only myself. Even people you call your friends have their limits, eventually they'll draw their line and you'll be left to deal with your issue when push comes to shove.
Via Bitmoji
I find it incredibly painful that people would fail me halfway, I would rather they don't help me at all then fail me when I have come to be dependent on them and that is why I think the best way to cope with pain is not having to cope with it in the first place.
Sometimes we create the avenue, space, time, and opportunity for people to hurt us because we're dependent on them and this is why I try as much as possible to empower myself so as to not have to be dependent on others. Anyone can fail you at any time and sometimes I set my mind to this I don't care if you call me a pessimist, I'm just someone who doesn't have absolute trust in humanity.
But like I said earlier, so many conditioning have forced me to be dependent on others for care. There are many things I can control and there are many things I cannot. I'm a very emotional person and this is probably because sometimes I think I deserve more, over expectations from life has put me in a difficult place and this has taught me really painful lessons.
Nowadays I don't want to try; sometimes I envisage a situation in my mind and compare it to how it might work in real life. The pain of being overly negatively Imaginative sometimes takes away my faith of seeing an atom of positivity to most circumstances in life and why is this? This is my defence mechanism; I would rather envisage pain than have it happen to me, I would rather see failure rather than experience it myself. The fact that I'm mentally fragile is why I try to prevent episodes of psychological pain for myself.
Nevertheless no matter the efforts I try to put in to escape pain, it turns out pain is like the morning sunshine, it would eventually happen no matter my strivings in trying. I can only curtail the effect of pain in my life, I've found out I can't control it. Sometimes a real life event digs up all the pain and pressure I have soaked within and leave me heartbroken for days, weeks or months. This is why I keep my circle thin.
Sometimes I feel my life is too complex for people to understand because no one really knows how it feels to be me; live in my conditioning, my space, my world and physical health. So instead of trying to explain it, I'll rather chose to keep the outside world in the dark because the pain of having to explain to people each and every time the complexity of my life hurts. It's like bursting a blister and making the matter worse.
Truth is, I try to control the things I can't so that I can influence the things I cannot but then sometimes it's difficult to live amongst people who don't share your experiences, live your pain and understand your regrets. The world doesn't have time to be understanding, or sympathetic, rather what have is pity and stigmatization. While you're trying to conceal your truth it becomes evident that the more you try the more you become worse at doing it.
The world is not a hiding place and no one remains an enigma for too long. People often sugarcoat terrible things but then when you un-coat then things people say you'll have a better understanding of what they intend to actually say.
Now a question? Have you ever had to be reliant on people who are actually trying to let you off being reliant on them? Of course this might not feel relatable; every fights demons that feels familiar but then sometimes I feel like im fighting monsters that no one knows about. This posts centers more on my rant about my physical, biological and mental health conditions and I hope you have learnt one or two things.