Grow together, or grow apart

While some people think being in a good relationship is when two become one, what I think is that then you end up with two half people. However, While I do think that couples should have some independence from each other in activity, they also should spend time together in shared hobbies or something that they grow at together. It is pretty simple for me;

Grow together, or grow apart.

In Finland it is very common for couples to not have much overlap in their lives other than what happens in the home, which while that might include bedroom shenanigans, a lot of home life is chore based, repairs, bills, caring for children. Then, when the couple spend time together, it is often more engineered time or passive, dinner or sitting in front of the TV watching Netflix.

As I see it, the strongest relationships are built on the generation of value - and I don't mean money. What I mean is when people come together and work in some way to build something that they wouldn't likely build alone. It doesn't have to be anything grand or a thing at all - it could be a simple skill - like learning to dance, exercising or renovating a house - as my wife and I are doing now.

When people lead separate lives, the problem seems to consistently arise where while each independently may develop, each grows in ways the other is not - and this isn't always complementary in the relationship. It can also be that one grows and changes, while the other remains the same or degrades and while easier to see at a physical level, this happens at the psychological and emotional levels too and eventually - one might feel that they are just "too different" now or the other might say "you have changed".

Grow together, or grow apart.

As said, it is healthy for couple to spend time apart and develop separate skills, but when there is a shared process between the two, it can tether and ground each other as it creates a common link through interest. It creates a road traveled together that the side roads keep meeting, no matter how far they might range alone.

What i have witnessed is that when the shared "hobby" is children or financial convenience, the relationships rarely are loving and are instead pragmatic and prioritize external maintenance of the day to day over the intimacy a love relationship requires. This means that the sparks die to nothing and the twinkle leaves eyes - but it doesn't mean that each individual doesn't desire spark and the twinkle in the eye of another person.

We are social animals, not machines - and when we continually act on maintained routines in a relationship, it is far more likely that we will look for the randomization of life, the excitement of the unfamiliar - the skills of another - and the opportunity to generate something together, with someone else.

Again in my opinion, it is the task of each in a relationship to try to bring out the best in the other - by being he best version of oneself - not by forcing the other to change. When two people are being their best for each other and have a commonality of some shared interest, it tends to develop a much stronger relationship as - each is trying to "impress" the other on the continual date.

This might sound corny, but it is far less so than the "love me for me" attitude that doesn't reflect any attempt to be one's best - "You should love me for me, no matter how I treat you, others, or myself - that is love!"

Nonsense.

With so many automatic distractions in this life that come through a thousand channels, a lot of the intimacy is being lost while people scroll Facebook, play video games and sit mindlessly in front of screens. "We don't have the time for each other" while thousands of hours each year are spent passively consuming independently - even if sitting next to each other.

It is a strange world we live in as while we can be in such close physical proximity, our minds and emotions can be so far apart as we immerse ourselves into gateways that transport us away from each other.

Grow together, or grow apart.

I have the feeling that because of the current limitations on movements due to the global panpanic, couples and families are going to have to spend a lot more time with each other than they are accustomed to. I think that the affects might be that some will grow and become much stronger as they get a forced quality time together that they would haven't have given themselves otherwise. While others will grow apart as they realize that much of the time they have spent together has been in maintenance and chores, not a loving relationship.

It is easy to take those closest to us for granted and not invest the time into sharing experiences as so much time is already "spent" together on the automatic daily grind. It is hard in that grind to warrant the investment of time into each other, but the cost of not doing so could be the difference of the relationship living together - or dying apart.

We as individuals can survive life alone, but is that any way to live?

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]