Bang "Quack" Bang.
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Some days are harder than others and today - today was inexplicably hard. Perhaps I was feeling more sensitive than usual after digging up old hurt and dirt with yesterday's post about a lost friend, which reminded me how this world and so many of it’s bitter, cruel and unkind people, who don’t strike me as worthy of still taking up space here, ARE - and those that were so very worthy - AREN’T because the aforementioned made them feel like sh!t so they bowed out.
Or maybe it was because I am just sick to death of considering every goddamn person in every fncking life situation except myself… or perhaps it was because I am constantly burdened by the demons that are my life, past, present and all its entangled baggage. Probably the latter, yeah I know - but sometimes, it is just a culmination of everything all at once and suddenly it all just becomes too much.
I am angry. Yip. Fuming actually. I came to the bedroom because I needed to breathe some air - any air that didn’t choke me with arrogant self-absorption and preoccupation (well, I suppose that comes off a little tongue in cheek, considering I am writing about me for me) - who cares!
Yet, here I am… writing - attempting to offload and exercise freedom of expression via the medium I am most comfortable with, whilst simultaneously fncking judging myself, wondering if anything I feel or have to say is even mildly appropriate or worthy of hitting that post button for at some point, a few more paragraphs down. Why the fnck does it matter if its appropriate, wanted or even appreciated - this is "my space" is it not?!
"Yes, you did put a space in-between the my and space" Jayne - people aren't confused, but those that know will know why you worried."
“oh dear… was that another fnck Jayne, perhaps you need to edit that out. Also, did you write that eloquently enough for the sensitive public and I wonder who is judging me - I am tired of people judging me to my face and from a distance!”
My glory, I am not even comfortable expressing myself when I am expressing myself and people are still confused about whether or not there was something critically wrong with the manner in which so many of my generation were brought up?! Lunacy.
Call me crazy, toxic, a quack or a crazy, toxic quack! I honestly don’t care! What I do care about, is that the way I turned out is NOT the way my child turns out and because of my own choices I cannot even confidently say that I know that won’t be the case anymore.
I am so angry. Angry with myself, angry with so much and so many because all I have ever done is keep trying and somehow I just keep walking into the fncking cement wall which presents itself as a mirage of something which I am beginning to doubt even exists anymore!
“Stupid woman!”
“No, Jayne - the seed is split and the green leaf is turning just underneath the soil, don’t give up now - not now”
“Oh shut up woman with your romcom nonsense."
I don’t deserve to have a child with a soul as beautiful as mine does, and I have not given him the best, I have not given what he deserves. I have not protected him the way I promised myself I would, nor have I done for myself what I promised I would, after everything I was already put through. No, I failed us both and now, here I sit.
“That money isn’t going to make itself Jayne - stop wallowing over childish nonsense and by the way, how many of those can you make in a day?!!!”
Oh, don’t mind me - tomorrow I will put on my crocodile skin and slide into society unnoticed like nothing happened, because denial and carpet sweeping is the trophy moment of my era and everyone will breathe a sigh of relief at the fact that they didn’t have to deal with anything that was a little too real for their dinner plate or coffee table.
“You know only crazy people listen to the words and play songs on repeat 33 times Jayne.”
Yeah, well I am so easily derailed because I have been conditioned to think so little of my own input that I need to listen to the words of a song 33 times in order for any cohesive level of thought to come out of all of this.
"Cher did a song called Bang Jaynie, do you remember that one?!"
Oh the irony. Let's listen to the words - oh, and thanks for showing up eventually mom. Better late than never.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Thank you sweet soul. xxx
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When I read your thoughts and feelings, it's like I see myself
The only reason that pleases me to read that @charter is that you know you are not alone... but other than that, it never makes me happy to know that people are made to feel this way. Nobody deserves it. Nobody!
... and now you feel better? Then the thunderstorm has helped ;-)) If not: off into the countryside, hug trees, shout at blades of grass and bathe in the forest!
Poor blades of grass wouldn't know what hit them ;)
Nah, couldn't do that to mother nature... shes one of the few good, wholesome things left to feed our souls.:)
But yes, better. - thank you @weisser-rabe <3
Sometimes it is just necessary - but I do not think I need to explain this to someone like you, who has a very clear and deep understanding for most things xxx
I appreciate you.
... same here ;-))
Have a relaxed evening!
xxx
So much. So much...
This world, and so many of the people who hurt those we love and care about; callous, harsh, outright mean, vindictive, unconscious.
Holding your spirit from afar, dear one.
xo
<3
What a way to curse hahahaha, if one of those extremely fanatical (religious) people read this post they might even say that you should go to confess to a priest hahahaha.
They would probably say that regardless ;)
Know I hear you and feel what you feel. I wish it was just that easy and let go of caring about others' opinions but it's not and indeed by tiptoeing around them we ignore our needs and those of our children.
It's hard to keep promises once made no matter how hard we try.
Like my child says: we always have and are in trouble because of others.
The only way to limit it is to stay away from people, which is what I do.
🤗💕🍀
Thank you for your kindness and compassion sweetheart - it means very much to me!
All you need to know is you are doing a great job. Your son knows just like mine although it doesn't make life (always) easier.
I once told my son he should always share, tell me. Back then he said he didn't want me to know, to be sad because of him. I told him its better to cry together instead of alone.
After that I change into a tornado and crush everyone who hurts my kid (school prefers me not to show up during meetings ).
We are just moms doing our best, humans struggling, we simply can not always be there but we try.
I know I do not make many promises though since I hate to break them.
Thank you!!! And yes... he is such a beautiful child too. Still so loving toward me even at 14 and especially when he can see or knows that I am having a rough time. I am so very blessed.
So true!
I'd pay to see that lol