☠️ Let's Talk About Death
When was the last time that you talked about death? The inevitability that at some point in the future, you and those around you will die.
Last weekend, we had a family weekend away - my family, aunts, uncles, cousins... the entire clan. It's not something that we do very often and the reason that we did it now...
My cousin has stage 4 bowel cancer, which has extended to his liver and it's inoperable... 6 months to 2 years left.
His mum and dad are obviously devastated and not coping well at all. His brother's being strong for them and then there are his 3 daughters. 11, 8 and 1 year old. They're all suffering.
My cousin appears to be mostly ok though. I got to spend a bit of time with him at the weekend, just a nice chat, very normal. "It is what it is" he would say... the only time he gets upset is when he thinks about who he's leaving behind. Unbeknown to him, this was my goodbye, my peace and my closure.
I've thought about it a lot. I think about my own fate a lot and I'm comfortable with the idea that I'll die. I've done a lot with my life - worked hard, stopped working for other people, travelled a bit, done what I want to do. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't sit here and wish I'd done things differently...
Over the weekend though, I made the mistake of saying this to my mum. The conversation went sideways quickly...
You need help. It's not normal to feel like that.
Her reaction confused me. Of course, she doesn't want me to die... but rather than thinking that I was mental, why didn't she see comfort in the fact that I was content? I was content with the life I've lived? If I die, I'll die in peace, not full of anger or regret.
Why are we so scared of death?
It's not something that's openly discussed in the Western world. I guess with the-mrs-gorilla working in palliative care, we're probably more aware of death than others.
I'll always remember a colleague at my previous job coming in after a couple of weeks off work. Upon enquiring if everything was ok, she told me that her father had died. I could relate... I've been there and whilst talking about it, she was grateful. Grateful that I'd asked. Grateful that I'd listened. Others would offer condolences and quickly sneak away. I didn't. Death isn't to be avoided. So why do we try so hard not to think about it? Not to accept it? Some cultures even celebrate it (Obon in Japan and Dia de los Muertos in Mehico).
My cousin's brother (perhaps coincidentally, also my cousin) told me how many of his friends had contacted him to see if he was ok... this is a social guy in his mid-30's... the answer... 1. Only one if his friends has asked him how he is... perhaps too afraid that if they ask, they'll get an answer... which will bring them closer to death themselves... like it's contagious (which I suppose it can be).
I know that this is a strange ramble... sometimes, something will sit in my mind until I let it free.
Since my first experience of death of a loved one, similar to the movie coco, so long as we remember people, they're never gone. They're always with us.
It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that precede them.
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Aah! Death...
I wouldn't lie; I'm mostly scared of death, perhaps because of what my kids will go through or the eternity that follows it. As a believer in Islam, we're taught not to fear death but to prepare for it by investing our energies in a positive way. The concept of good deeds stems from the idea of life after death. Going off-topic...
if I had this talk with my mom, she wouldn't label me; instead, she would say, "If that's Allah's will." Of course, she would pray for my long and healthy life
And with this notion, I wish you a long and healthy life—one that you enjoy. Enough talk of death... Let's discuss your new interface 😉🙃
Death is as much a part of life as starting school, first love, pain, happiness or ageing. None of this can be avoided by developing fear or trying to fight it. So why waste this precious energy...?
I've always been very open about things: what happens to me after I died, who takes care of the children, how I want to have everything organised. When, if not now? It could be too late tomorrow!
Death itself doesn't seem scary to me either. Dying, especially slow and agonising death, is more so: I personally have no intention of allowing myself to be subjected to it if it comes to that. And I think that should no longer be a social taboo...
Given the job that the-mts-gorilla has, we’ve discussed this quite a lot. I agree with people having the ability to choose, provided those that have to “administer” their decision also have a choice without fear of family members (who don’t accept the decision) pressing charges (or trying to). Often with death, those left behind want somebody or something to blame.
You’ve made me realise that I need to document lots of things that the-Mrs-gorilla won’t know or understand. All of my crypto will just disappear if anything happens to me. She wouldn’t even know how to turn on the hot water 😱😲
That sounds familiar... We have a relative with us at the moment who, at the age of 72 and a driver for over 50 years, is standing at the petrol station wondering what goes in the tank, where the tank inlet is and how the hell it opens... And what a bank looks like on the inside. And whether it's possible to turn up a heater... ... If your partner has always done everything for you, you're doomed to helplessness.
It's the circle of life. I work in a nursing home and so have seen/dealt with death many times, it's definitely something that makes you realise your own mortality and in doing so, appreciate what/who we've got in our lives. I am sorry to hear about your cousin, that's heartbreaking for all of you.
It is strange how people all of a sudden disappear when faced with this, my mum had breast cancer and the same happened to her with regards to her friends, we didn't hear from anyone (with the exception of some family). My mum actually said what you mentioned, about it being contagious, she joked with it of course, but that's how they reacted. People are complex hey.
Sending love to you and your family, and thank you for sharing!
It’s funny how good we are at laughing at the worst of situations sometimes! Is your mum better now?
I think with friends it’s often a case of not knowing what to say. The simple question of “how are you?” Just seems so ridiculous so instead of feeling awkward, we do the worst possible thing and say nothing! Perhaps even assuming that because they haven’t called, they don’t want to talk about it… who knows? I think times like that me you realise how one-sided a friendship was.
What I’ve also found strange is the reaction to my cousin, compared to my mum’s bladder cancer a decade ago. Like you say, complex.
Absolutely!
This year will be 13 years cancer free for mum, she has however just had a tumor removed from her spine, we get the results of that on Wednesday, so one day at a time.
Yes exactly, it's definitely during the most difficult times that you really know who your friends are (unfortunately) and for some, it's because they don't want to be around something that, shall we say, 'isn't in line' with their agenda. Sad but true.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum too. Yes people are most certainly complex and I think emotion gets the better of some people. I think the only thing to do is just keep being true to yourself and those that "see you" will want to be in your life, for the good and bad, with no conditions.
Wishing you well :)
It really is a dead subject but okay. LOL.
If you go to church, clergy holds sermons on death. But I suppose not a lot of people do not question and answer during a sermon.
Talking with the living about death can be tough because most have not died yet. If one has been declared dead for awhile though, some people experience nothing and others, like me have met spirits, or...and if one talks about well, I have a tried a few times but...
Has this topic been done to death? 😉
I wanted to add a bit more context to my article around how different cultures perceive death (which wasn't as easy as I'd expected) and one interesting point that I read was related to God and religion... the thinking being that people fear "the day of reckoning" which I think ties back to the last quote within my post.
People generally fear what they don't understand. We don't understand (i.e. know) what happens after death so it is feared - perhaps brainwashed by "modern" cinema and the general perception that "ghosts" are scary.
Well, "Ghosts", if that's what they truly are can be pretty darned scary and painful: like when they have poltergeist coefficient of trillions or quadrillions (motive force ability)
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In Western culture, it is not customary to talk about death too much. Rather, it is customary here to frighten with death )
We may or may not be afraid of death, but no one wants to die)) A person is so built that he tries on any news on himself like a dress ... "and how does it affect me".
We know that we are mortal, but we suppress this thought in our minds. We want comfort.
You're right, a person who has lost a loved one needs to be listened to. He must speak out the loss, bring out his emotions and accept what happened.
Last... for many, the most difficult thing is.
I think that was my mum's reaction... she misunderstood my "contentment / lack of fear" with a "desire" to die. Admittedly, there are times when my kids are screaming that the "desire" grows stronger... but not overwhelmingly strong yet 😉
Yes, lack of fear and desire are slightly different things ))
Every day is a day.You never know which comes first, tomorrow or death. Let's just live today.
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Congratulations! This post has been upvoted through steemcurator04. We support quality posts , good comments anywhere and any tags.Thanks @o1eh 👍