How to FAIL at Smoking Cheese
About a week ago, I came to the realization that insanity had squarely grabbed ahold of my life. Why? Because I was without any smoked cheese in my home stores!
That is correct, my now terror-stricken reader and perhaps previously publicly announced friend, no smoked cheese. In such dire straights as I found myself in, there was but one course of action. And that was to rectify and redeem my manliness by setting forth to thoroughly smoke a plethora of cheeses! Little did I know, that fate was to deal my hand illy and strike me with yet another blow.
The process and setup for smoking cheese is simple, and will be shared with you in due course but on another post. For I not only desire that you be informed in the best way, but I also do not wish to taint your reading experiences with such strife and conflict as one would have from reading of a lack of said smoked cheese then reading about the procurement of newly smoked cheese. There are some things of which the human mind simply cannot fathom in one stride.
It is within this post that I shall divulge the horrors of which befell me and saw to keep me in want of smoked cheese.
Everything was going according to plan; I had prepared and placed the cheese on the racks of the smokehouse and lit the smoking pellets as per my usual course of action. I observed the smoke and saw that it was good. I smelled the smoke and smelled that it was good. All was going well, so I set myself a timer and retired to the parlor to partake in some Netflix-ery and recline myself in my cow skin covered reclining apparatus.
Alas! Why did the reclining apparatus betray me by its comfort?!
You see, it was in the swaddling of the supple brown plushy cow chair that I fell into a slumber being soothed by the monotone narrations of some historical documentary. Such slumber befell me that I was unaware of the chiming of my timer and did not wake. One, two, three, hours passed. And yet I slumbered on.
Somewhere around the fourth hour I awoke and noticed the sun had begun to set. I realized I had slept through my timer, but was not extremely alarmed. Smoking cheese takes many hours and a many more to over smoke it with the sweet apple wood. All the same, I wished to check on the progress and went outside.
I must take pause here to again warn my readers. What you are about to see and hear is truly dreadful. I implore you to not proceed unless of the strongest will and composure!
I opened the smokehouse and found myself with a front row seat at the horror show!
After fainting twice and disgorging myself, I steadied myself to try to understand what led my beloved cheese to such an ill and twisted fate. It was simply one thing: heat. The smokehouse became too hot and melted the cheese. Had I been awake and checked on the cheese when the timer alarmed, I would have caught the higher temperature and been able to adjust and save it then.
Alas! Betrayed by comfort and want of a padded cow chair!
If you are still with me, you have my highest regard. For you are of such strength and nobility that nothing appears to shake you from your foundation! My compliments and admiration be upon you, and I leave you with this parting promise:
I shall once again brave my fears and assuage my past! I will smoke the cheese and I shall be victorious! Upon such chivalrous glory shall I write to you again with tails of my triumphs!
Until we meet again,
@greenacrehome
http://www.homesteaders-online.com
I died laughing over the writing style. Some of it reminded me a bit of Mark Twain...like “there are some things of which the human mind cannot fathom in one stride”...though I’m sorry to say, you came close, but nobody is funnier than Twain :-P
And OMG the mess! Baked on cheese is the WORST!
I take that as a great compliment! :-D My wife said I was her Mr. Darcy in this post. LOL I never talk this way or have written like it before, but who knows... maybe it'll be a "thing" every once in a while.
Oh nooooo Mr Darcy wasn’t anywhere near that funny. Formal language—yes; funny—very rarely. Well, if you write like that again, I look forward to reading it :)
OMG! I don't think I have ever seen anything so horrific! How did you manage to clean up this gory mess? You are really brave to contemplate trying this again!
Lots of scrubbing. Used a cleaner called "Cheesy Tears". LOL :-) Yes... I will do it again! I must!!!!
I don't know if I would have fainted, cried or laughed hysterically...It was a great loss of cheese. I am like you though, I would have to try again. Just on principal.
After picking myself up from floor thrice after viewing such a horrific site, I felt that i must pass along my condolences to you and yours; but also my esteemed admiration for your willingness to venture once again into the fray. ;)
I thank you, my good fellow/maiden for offering such encouragement in this; our time of woe. ;-)
Awesome, Awesome, Awesome post. Hilarious!!
Terrible, Terrible, Terrible results. Damn the cow chair!!
I'm so glad to see my humor was apparent and well received! Sometimes when I think I'm funny no one else does. :-)
That was like a steven king novel, what a horror story! Sorry for your loss of the loved ones, they'll be remembered.
It was quite terrible!!! Thank you for your condolences.
LMAO, that was a fun post. Your poor, poor cheese. What a mess. Thanks for the sharing.
@tincanjunction
I'm glad my humor resonated as I hoped! :-)
Oh, dear, that is a horror! I can't imagine the clean up...
I'd avoid the recliner for the next batch.
Yes, to the dismay of my derrière, I have to avoid it next time.
I nearly woke my sleeping child giggling at this!! You would have owed me a smoked cheese then, since I assure you, there is no fury like that of the ill-timed awakening of a toddler!!
Now seriously, I've never smoked cheese, although I've enjoyed some very tasty smoked Gouda. What kind of cheese were you smoking and did you make it yourself?
:-D cheddar, swiss , mozzarella, and muenster were the casualties. I’ve done several batches before with no problems, so I adamantly lay blame on the cow skin reclining apparatus.
Why oh why did not heed those righteous warnings?! I ended up meeting with a bit of my delicious breakfast... that I had partaken a few hours earlier...
The horror, the horror! I am truly sorry to have brought this upon you my friend. :-)
Seriously, I would never even thought to smoke cheese. You are a brave soul. I wish you all the best with your next adventure in the cheese factory smoke house
It's great! I've done several batches, just this one went south on me. :-) There'll be another post on how to correctly smoke cheese soon.