Before I blow your mind with my metaphysical hot-takes, I’m going to tell you a story that comes from India circa a few hundred years before Christ.

There once was king named Bhartriji. He was a great king and under his rule the kingdom flourished. He was such a great king that one of his subjects decided to present with a special a gift; a flower that if eaten, would bestow eternal life.

Bhartriji was grateful for this gift. He seriously considered eating it himself but decided that it was too good for him. Instead, he gave it to his wife, the person that he loved and cherished more than anyone else in the world.

His wife was grateful for gift. But after giving it some thought, she decided that it was too good for her and gave it to her lover. Her lover also decided that it was too good for him and decided to give it to someone else. And on and on it went until eventually it made its way back to the king.

This was how Bhartriji discovered that his wife had betrayed him. He was so upset that he rejected all of his earthly responsibilities, ate the flower and went off into the forest.

After hundreds of years of living in the forest, spending his days meditating under a tree, he decided to return to his former kingdom. When he returned he told the people there to dig a hole six feet deep, bury him in the hole, and encase the tomb in concrete. I can’t say exactly how that conversation went but eventually he convinced them. So they dug the hole, buried him alive, encased the tomb in concrete and left him there.

You can imagine their surprise when 106 years later, Bhartriji walked into town. He went to the same spot where had been buried and told the people there to dig another hole right next to the original grave, which was exactly as they had left it a century ago, bury him in there alive, and encase the tomb in concrete. They probably required less convincing this time around.

106 year later, he shows up again and tells the people to bury him again, right next to the other two graves which were still untouched.

He kept coming back every 106 years (nobody knows how) with the same instructions and today his 7 graves sit side-by-side. Each of them unmolested, unopened, and undisturbed.

His last burial was in 2006. A festival is held in his honor every year during the September new moon. I’m going to go there myself and update this post once I’ve seen Bhartriji’s seven graves myself. If I’m lucky enough to get my hands on a flower of life, I’ll be there to witness the eighth burial in 2110.

As a reader whose beliefs are formed by Western influences, you probably think this story is bullshit because immortality is a foreign concept to Western cultures. The eastern scriptures have plenty of references to immortals but the Western scriptures only have four; Melchizedek, Abraham, Moses and Jesus. The high success rates of producing immortals in eastern cultures is said to be due to all the yoga and meditation. There are so many immortals roaming the forests and mountains in that region that you can’t go for a walk in the woods without tripping over a naked immortal yogi. Rumour has it that there are entire tribes of immortal monks chilling in the Himalayas, laughing at all the climbers who need gear just to reach them.

Anyway, I promised you some hot-takes so here they are:

1. You’ve probably been offered a shot at immortality and you passed

As seen at the beginning of the story, the gift of immortal life passed through many hands before it got back to someone who had the balls to take it for himself. Who knows how many more hands it passed through before it got to him the first time.

You’re probably thinking that you would remember if someone presented you with such a gift and I can give your at least one example; Jesus Christ.

This guy presented a whole manual on how you can live eternally on earth here and now and people decided that they would rather be sinners. Christians looked at the guide, decided that the Laws of Life are too hard to follow, and turned him into an idol to be worshiped rather than an example to be followed.

2. Immortality is boring

Bhartriji was so bored after centuries of meditating in the forest that he decided to show up in his old hood every hundred years or so and fuck and with people’s heads.

Hip-Hop heads will notice that he broke a vital rule of success: once you’ve made it out of the hood, never go back or you’ll end up six feet under.

3. Immortals don’t hang out with regular folk

Imagine that you’re chilling in corner of the house, meditating peacefully for weeks on end, and your roommate notices that you haven’t moved or eaten for a really long time. In fact, you’re so chill in your meditation that geckos are walking across your eyeballs. Or they walk in on you having a great night dancing with trans-dimensional beings that only you can see. You already know that shit’s gonna land you in a psyche ward which is why Bhartriji had no choice but to retire to the forest. The immortal monks chilling in the Himalayas aren’t just there for the great energy: they’re there because they know they are less likely to be disturbed by the normies.

4. Trust no one

Bhartriji was the greatest king that the kingdom had ever seen and his wife still cheated on him. Not being able to trust anyone is simply the reality of things, so you better come to grips with it before your end up abandoning the throne to go sit under a tree and sulk.

Do not fear immortality my fellow normies, it is yours for the taking….if you really want it.

“Being with you left me satisfied,
Not ready to go to the other side.”

• Your Immortal Lover.

Recommended reading: Breaking the Death Habit, by Leanord Orr.