Love conquers all?

Ketika saya bercerai dengan suami saya yang Jawa Sunda, saya tak terpikir bahwa saya akan menikah lagi dengan pria warga negara asing, yaitu warga Kanada. Dengan membawa masing-masing 2 anak, jadilah kita keluarga campuran dengan 3 kebangsaan di dalamnya. Indonesia, Kanada, dan Amerika.

When I got divorced with my Javanese-Sundanese husband, I didn't't think I would get remarried to a Canadian. With 2 kids each from our previous marriages, we then became a mixed family of 3 nationalities. Indonesian, Canadian and American.

Banyak yang suka nanya,”Enak ya kawin sama bule? Lebih romantis, ya?”. Sebenernya ya sama aja, namanya manusia, kadang seneng, kadang susah. Kadang nyenengin, kadang. ngeselin. Kadang pengen nyium, kadang pengen nyambit. Kebetulan suami sudah lebih dari 25 tahun hidup di Indonesia, jadi dia sedikit banyak udah ngerti beberapa budaya di Indonesia. Saking lamanya di Indonesia, dia jadi kebiasaan mengambil dan menerima sesuatu dengan tangan kanan. Buat kita itu sudah biasa, bukan? Sementara saya masih suka tersedak kalo anak remajanya membantah permintaan dan nanya alasan pada setiap hal. Coba aja jaman saya dulu, mana berani menentang atau nanya kenapa saya dilarang pulang pagi. Kebetulan dua anak saya tinggal bersama saya dan suami sementara 2 anak lain tinggal dengan ibunya yang berkebangsaan Amerika di Jakarta juga. Sekali seminggu mereka bermalam di rumah kami, atau liburan bareng.

People asked me many times,"Is it nice to marry a foreigner? Is it more romantic?" I guess I would say, it doesn't matter if he's a foreigner or not. To me he's a man. Sometimes, it's fun, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes, he's funny, sometimes he's annoying. Sometimes I want to kiss him, and sometimes I want to smack him. Luckily my husband has been living in Indonesia for more than 25 years, so he understands more or less Indonesian traditions. For example, he would accept anything or use his right hand to give away something. Something we just normally do, and acceptable here, right? Meanwhile, I still choked when his teenagers talked back to us and always question about every little things. When was growing up, there's no way I would ask why I wasn't allowed to go out till dawn. As the 2 kids live with their mom and my kids live with us, we see them once a week or sometimes we go on a vacation together.

Tantangan di perkawinan kedua dan campuran seperti ini, biasanya emang rumit karena melibatkan 2 mantan dan anak2 yang dari awal punya pola asuh yang berbeda. Perlu banyak-banyak sabar, tabah dan dan tarik napas panjang dalam menyatukan begitu banyaknya perbedaan. Kadang maksud kita apa, ketangkepnya apa. Contohnya, di Indonesia, jaman masih kecil, nyubit anak dan bilang, "Ihh lucu gendutnyaaa..", dianggap komentar yang memuji. Sementara orang asing anti sekali dipegang orang asing dan dibilang gemuk itu bener2 penghinaan dan melanggar ruang pribadi. Atau nanya,’Kenapa ga punya anak?’ di sini dianggap lumrah, mereka anggap kita ga sopan. Bayangin kalo di perkawinan, musti baca situasi jeli supaya ga pecah perang.

One of the challenging aspects of a mixed marriage is becoming complicated for the fact they involve 2 former spouses and kids with different upbringing. We need to be patient and take a deep breathe while trying to compromise. Even some of our comments can be mistakenly perceived. For example, In Indonesia, it's fine to pinch a kid and say,'OOH you're so FAT it's cute." To us, it's a compliment. To them, it's an insult and invasion of personal space. While asking,'Why don't you have kids" is a normal thing Indonesians ask for a small talk, they think it's rude. Imagine in the marriage when we have to stay sensitive, to avoid big wars.

Jadi buat yang bilang, "Hidup itu gampang kalo kawin sama bule', hmmm....sering-sering baca-baca juga peraturan dan regulasi sebelum memutuskan menikah dengan Warga Negara Asing, ya. Itu buat bahan tulisan berikut aja, ya?? Hehe..

So, for those who think,'Life is easy when you married a foreigner,' hmm....do your homework and read a lot about rules and regulation, before you decide to marry a foreigner, okay...but that's probably for my next post. ..hehe