Dark Humor Jokes

I am a funny with a dark humor and would like to share some jokes that are dark but funny. Enjoy the list!

I tried to write a book on reverse psychology… but don’t read it.

My wallet is like an onion—opening it makes me cry.

I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I told my shadow to stop following me. It’s been pretty dark ever since.

I’m good at multitasking— I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re just not sure where it’s going.

I used to be indecisive—now I’m not sure.

I told my plants I’d water them tomorrow. They’re taking it… poorly.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I forget to cook it until it’s questionable.

My phone battery lasts longer than most of my ambitions.

I named my dog “Five Miles” so I can brag that I walk five miles every day.

I lost my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

My computer beat me at chess—but I won at turning it off.

I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.

I’m great at giving advice. I just never follow my own.

I sleep with my door open so the monsters can get in quicker and get it over with.

I have a lot of hidden talents… too hidden for anyone to find.

My house is so messy, even the dust bunnies have formed a union.

I told my mirror I needed more support. It cracked under pressure.

I’m not lazy—I’m just in energy-saving mode.

I tried yoga, but my stress refused to stretch.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

My alarm and I have a toxic relationship. It keeps bringing up the past.

Sometimes I talk to myself. We laugh. We cry. We move on.

My dreams are so unrealistic, even my nightmares judge them.