2017

Well, then.

I know this is a day early, but I have absolutely fuck all to do… So why not? (By the way, I have been listening to Eminem “Revival” non-stop the past couple of days…)

This may be a long one.

So this past year, honestly? It had it’s ups and downs. The standard usual bullshit-drama-unnecessary-crap. I think that’s been a part of my life since day one. There’s nothing which will prevent this from happening.

I missed my sons’s 23rd birthday. I wasn’t able to afford to go up to see him.

In February, my main Facebook account (as I had two, one for those silly Facebook games, and one for personal..) was completely hacked. I would sign in, and it would kick me out. I have no idea how the person did it… but they deleted my email account from my profile, so any “password reset/account re-claim” was going to them.

So I said fuck it. I opened the new account I have now. I only added a few people at first, as honestly ? Who knows who it was who hacked my shit. I finally broke down and I added almost everyone who was on the old profile.

March was not the greatest of months. It was the month that I had finally stood up and tried to complete a part in my daughter’s life. It should have been done years ago, but things kept getting in the way. This also began months of non-stop silliness which all of us could do without.

It kind of brought me back to 2002, when I was LEFT ALONE to cope with everything. I started beginning to end of the pregnancy, on my fucking own. Told I was a slut, a whore, I slept with everyone in Ashcroft (which we ALL know never happened!) and yeah. I did fight back, I won’t lie. When someone comes at me with bullshit, I fight back. I don’t know if it’s a Scorpio or Meszaros trait…or it’s the mixture of Scottish and Hungarian…or it’s a human species thing? Who knows… All I know is, standing in that court room brought me back to when I went for custody (well, originally I was on Income Assistance, and they BACK THEN, demanded the name of the “other parent”. I told them he was dead, but they demanded a birth certificate, so I had no choice but give up a name…)and with my friends, and my mother – a judge gave me soul custody as it was un-disputed. I thought this was over back then, because no dispute, no wanting to know her, partially seeing her but not really. He drove us to Kamloops to start a new life, but again – I was still on my own. He did help us out when we first moved there, and we went through a lot being up there. I’ve thanked him over and over, and I did appreciate the lift I had getting away from my mother.

Standing in that court room brought up so much anxiety. I didn’t want that to happen. I had just wanted the one thing he wasn’t able to provide her. A father. I didn’t want to be in court again, I mean fuck – I have gone through that enough. I didn’t want this. I was court ordered by a judge in 2010 to go after him, so I had no choice.

Fat lot of good being in that court room did though. I was called a liar, and a whore. Also, being told my beautiful daughter was the product of a “bad lay and a broken condom..” Well, I thought to myself, fine. I don’t care what he says because WE DID NOT USE THEM… I just thought, ignore him. He’s lashing out because he knows a court order is enforceable. I didn’t want it to go this far. However, being court ordered it was. It’s okay though, because lashing out just showed me the side I never wanted to see. Which happens I guess? I didn’t block or block email at all, even though I was advised to do so. Nah. I left it open as a just in case for D. I doubt it will be used, but it’s there.I am not mad at him, disappointed sure. I mean without him, I would not not have my Darryn. <3

That was just March, April and into May. Until I was told by a lawyer (legal aid) to take the order to FMEP/MEP and ignore him. So that’s what I did. If you cannot have respect for the mother of your child, then we don’t need to speak. That’s how I felt. I mean, I am raising her pretty much on my own. She has a ex-stepfather who would do anything for her… and D will always have that longing for the other side of her. That’s just who kids are. Nothing I can do about that.

NOW before I skip this piece to these few months.. I was told I was blocking his relationship. Told that it was my fault she couldn’t go out of town. people don’t realize it was not me saying no, it was HER/ She has serious panic attacks being too far away from me. But trying to explain this fell on deaf ears, and one sided one track mind. That’s okay, as I know my daughter more than people think I do.

Also, in April I finally did something I should have done years ago. I had my breasts lifted, de-flated and made to look nicer. In other words I had a breast reduction. I had one minor issue with pain, but it worked out. Now they are perky, rounded and fucking look amazing, I may add. I honestly don’t feel self- conscious about them anymore.

My son had a full blown meltdown on his 21st birthday. Most people completely understood the situation, including those in power. Yet eventually it was proven that he has Autism, and he does not meltdown often or even at all. This was the first time he had melted down like this. Was a horrible situation all around, As cops were called for no reason. It was not a good couple of days,

Within this time, she was finishing Grade 9. My other daughter was graduating from Grade 5… and then the plans went into motion that they would go to Kamloops for the month. I was on a big job search, and I headed to Vancouver for the Queen and Adam Lambert concert. A weekend which others almost tried to change or stop, and I put my foot down and said no. No one was going to ruin my plans, because shit couldn’t be put together. Like man, that was a stressful weekend…. But it happened, I went and I had fun.

My daughter got on her facebook and went off on her father. I swear he thinks it was me, but I was at work when it happened. She messaged me saying “Mom, read this please!”… So yeah no, for those who think it was me, you’re wrong. What he said to her though, I am not entirely sure what will happen. Just sayin;.

So when the kids came back, they discovered I had been hired at a new job. I had started working at this job I really enjoy. They were super bummed that I went to work again, but I am by myself and uh, we need food and water 😛

Then School and they went into Grade 10 and Grade 6. HOLY SHEEP. I missed their first days back, because I had to work. Things happen I suppose.

I was finally able to go up to Kamloops in October, and I Finally went through our storage unit. I finally was able to bring things back to Victoria that I hadn’t seen in 4 years. I also tossed a ton of our stuff, because it wasn’t wanted, it wasn’t needed, and our life is different now. I also saw a friend I hadn’t seen face to face since 2002.

So my birthday sucked. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even get a birthday cake. People were just trying to fuck my day up, and if I hadn’t spoken to a close friend that day, I would have laid in bed all day and cried my eyes out. It just hit me hard, when others expect me to be super happy on their days, but mine? It’s alllways fucking ignored. One phone call, one I ignored.

November the following weekend I had a tattoo done of Darren Hayes as Stitch. I shared it to him as I wanted him to see it. He shared it right back 🙂

Middle of December, I went to Vancouver to get Christmas gifts. I visited with friends and family.. I spent well earned money on gifts. Sent my son money toward his phone, sent the other money to my son here, so he could upgrade his cell phone as well. Lots of money went toward upgrades thic Christmas. I too, was given money toward my iPhone X.

During this time as well, I discovered my Thyroid is completely not working. I was having all of these odd symptoms and it finally was confirmed. We’re working on this right now, but in the meantime – weight is finally coming off. My face doesn’t look like I have chicken coming down my cheeks anymore. And for the first time ever, clothes are finally getting baggy on me.

I still have issues with my back and shoulders, but that’s to be expected. I still have issues with the weight coming off, but it’s coming off. I’ve lost several inches since earlier this year.

I also became closer with a close long term friend. <3

I want to get passports for the kids and I, so we can travel. There’s so many things I have planned for this next year. Including go somewhere.

For this year, it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster ride, full of fucked up emotions and stuff. Also, the standard drama, nonsense, and you know what? We made it through.

Oh, I finally saw my oldest son after 4 years of not seeing him. I met his beautiful girlfriend. I truly think they are made for each other. I met her mom too! WE had a big meet up at Kelly O’s and it was fun.

I saw someone on a ferry in December, and HOLY FUCK if it wasn’t this person, they have a doppleganger. I am not going into who I thought it was though.

I have somehow learned to control my anxiety…and I am getting more and more mouthy each day.

Also, a few singers that I admired passed away this year. Two to suicide. Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell. Tom Petty also passed. Was not a good year celeb wise. I did get a Linkin Park tattoo the day after Chester passed away.

I am happy that I was able to visit with friends and family. Even more so this year, than the year previous. This year, while it wasn’t all fun, it was great in some ways. Think of it this way. We have a roof over our head. It was rough some days, but WORTH IT.

I also for some reason, had some really harsh memories come to the forefront. But I lived through each and every single one of them.

We’re happy, we’re healthy/ We’re together. That’s all which matters. OH and I am still single .. Almost ten years! Oh, and I also discovered because people don’t know how to tell me the truth, that I was diagnosed with Dyslexia as a kid. WELL, that explains a LOT. 😛 David has this, because of me.

<3

Happy New Year 2018. I hope this new year treats everyone well.