Disappointment. From Consciousness to Awareness. A ReBroadcasting.

Continuing from the previous posting...this one....paused in publication for more than a Hot Minute..The Serendipity in Discovering Our Fortune. #GenesisOGseeeed Feb/March/April/May 2019.

I've had a real issue with being honest about my Disappointments. It's been a moment of sorts of "wow" I've been extensively holding onto a 'disappointing' experience within myself...where it's like my expectations have been so high for so long...and have been somewhat unfilled based on my 'expectations/wants/hopes/desires' from years and years ago....it's like 'wow' I've had such an 'unconscious' relationship with 'disappointment' inside myself.

It's like I've been addicted to disappointment in a way...not realizing, nor understanding how I've perpetuated and manifested the play outs of various disappointments in myself....in my life....and it's an interesting point of sorts because i am familiarizing myself with this regard that like, 'Hey - it's not normal to hold onto 'disappointments' as like this catalog that just keeps on building....adding in new disappointments over time that just do not match up with my expectations, hopes, and desires.

The Irony is multi-fold.

1. Recognizing the depth of the relationship with myself and that i decide what to hold onto and what to let go of.

2. Blame is Lame - Super Imposing 'Faults' is 'Lame to hold onto'....even when the 'other' is WRONG....I too Become WRONG in Reacting....taking it personally the 'offense/defense' I experience - and it shows me that I am Justifying a relationship of Suppression

3. Holding onto Things....Ideas....Perspectives.....Judgements...Beliefs.....that are not 'self-serving' My Best Life - is Ridiculous.

4. Super Imposing myself as 'Always Wrong' is DUMB...it's an Unnecessary Defense System and it's based in Accepting Myself as a 'Weak Personality' - One who rather be a 'Push Over' and just take the Abuse from anyone who is Dishing it Out.

5. I've been unconsciously abusive to myself in not realizing, nor understanding the extent to which i've pressed down on myself and over extended myself in taking on responsibilities that are not mine to take on.

6. Wanting to fix Everyone's Shit because I am frustrated with my own Shit and not Realizing nor Understanding the extent to which I am Frustrated.

7. Restricting myself from Expressing Disappointment and Anger - Thinking that I mostly shouldn't ever say anything unless it is 'nice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making 'disappointment' something that i mostly keep to myself and accept as a 'self-punishment'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging my disappointment so extensively that i resist speaking about it out of fear of being lame in coming across as someone full of blame.....I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Lame it is to be so concerned with how I am perceived by others in my reality....like i am not good enough and inferior...and need approval and validation in some way - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the pro found - Irony - in how in fact 'Disappointing' it is to actually hold onto a resistance of speaking my disappointment to others as like that is 'wrong' and that i should just keep it to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always kind of 'eat shit' in terms of conflicts I experience...as like 'i am wrong and I am weak.....like a self-burdening experience'.....a self-inflicted punishment where i justify holding myself into the experience of 'sadness and sorrow' as an experience of 'weakness' and helplessness - while all the why thinking that it's 'RIGHT'....like it's difficult but it's courageous to also bring the reflections back to self and challenge oneself within the 'weaknesses' ...that it's real strength to stand in vulnerability and not be afraid to look at weaknesses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting caught up in 'Expectation'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the practicality in 'Expressing Disappointment' as a point of Sharing It - When and as it is Here - So, in this way I can let go of my Disappointments and not keep them to myself as like this unnecessary 'conflict' that is just brewing and festering in myself. I realize there is indeed a practicality to 'informing' another when and as there exists, 'disappointment'.

I realize disappointment is a word...and words are not inherently evil....not inherently good or bad....simply are the form itself here - I realize I've made a big deal about my words and the words of others to a bit of a fault in the sense that i've held onto experiences within words/moments that are not necessary for me to continue to hold onto.

I realize that I do not require to always share my words with others as a point of expressing myself. I realize sometimes the points of 'word regards' and releasing/clearing a point within myself - is in many acts - a private doing - a personal best regards as - self/word/world/flesh - purification processing.

I commit myself to explore, refine, fine tune - an optimum, equal and one relationship with 'disappointment' where it's a point...a word....like all the other words in and as my vocabulary - where i realize the specificity practicality, and support myself to practically read my situations and response with my best response ability.

I commit myself to letting go of suppression within and as the word, 'disappointment'.

I commit myself to no longer being afraid, and or nervous to express my 'disappointment'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing disappointment to consume me to a certain extent - i realize the ridiculousness of feeding myself like a second mind of thoughts that do not make me feel good....and in fact the experience is like being pregnant with a second mind in my stomach....i realize the ridiculousness of holding a grudge and or holding onto any shit that is not helping me in my body....i realize my vibe is a point of self-regard and it's important to be really honest with the specifics.

I commit myself to the specificity of my word and world regards. #worldclassplayer