Thank you for this piece of your history.
The story you have told appears quite dark, but it isn't. Not as dark as things could be. If the sexually abusing father was gentler in his approach and seemed to offer love that you needed, you could have been stuck in a sticky soul sucking life where you wouldn't even be able to tell if "rape" is a bad thing.
Or you could have gone your whole life not knowing your mother is a narcissist. And never figuring out why the pain in your back always seemed worse after you talked to / saw your mother. Or you could have become a narcissist yourself and you would not be an artist today.
And finding Vipassana out of all the meditation types, yoga paths was very fortuitous.
This is not to say that your childhood was not bad and troubled. I wish you could have had a wonderful mom that could have taught art as a joyful process. A way to express your imagination. Not a way to get the darkness out of your soul.
Be well
I guess I needed to walk through the dark woods of my soul to appreciate the light. I would never accepted sex at that young age because it was alien to that young body. Others tried the gentle way with me, there are child molesters everywhere...it is dark times right now, our world is in the depths of Kali Yuga.
I am amazed at my karma, from child molesters, narcissistic mothers and family to enlightened Buddhist teachers...this has taught me not to judge the path of others...
I found through this process there is no darkness or light that I haven't created...there is something beyond my creation though, I touched it in vipassana and that's why I started dzogchen with Tibetan teachers...
Greater Completion Yoga is a good path. Not easy, not fast, but all encompassing.
And as comparison, it took me 40 years and literally burying my mother before I realized just how evil and manipulative she was. How much I destroyed my life, turned off my emotions and was numb to the world because of her teachings and manipulations.
I would not be on the path I am now without those experiences. The knowing is incredible. But I do not feel I will take this path next life.
For the longest time I thought this was the way everyone lived. It just hit me the other day if someone is in a bad mood I do not have to listen to their crap and anger dumped on me...it's a long process to unlearn early childhood memories, especially before the ability to communicate through language. A lot of my memories are pre language emotions. I never hated my Mother, I just didn't like her very much, same with the rest of my family. I always felt very uncomfortable around them. I found after I left home that I did not feel that way around other people but I still like being alone.
Part of my practice was to forgive those that hurt me, because in many ways I was just like them until I figured out my anger came from ignorance. This was my way of forgiving and letting go.
I have empathy for your struggle, my Mom died just recently, I no longer participate in family rituals and have no communication with them. I told her I forgave her a long time ago but I will never see her again.
I hope my next life my family can find enlightenment, peace, and happiness. So if I have to hang out with them it will be a nice experience this time around.
This is so valuable.