Smith, listening to your story I was quite moved, and felt a great deal of compassion for you. I was diagnosed bipolar 1 in 1998 and I have experienced the ups and downs you speak about, however the shifts from high to low were much less frequent. For many years I was in denial, and felt I was undergoing a spiritual battle for my soul. For some time, and on several occasions I believed I was Elijah the prophet, God almighty, even the AntiChrist. The guilt I suffered after coming down from these manias was unbearable, and I was certain God would throw me into hell for having the audacity to believe I was him. I would have extended periods of mania and hypomania followed by unbearable suicidal depression. I truly felt like meds were useless, and that is partially why I ended up in the hospital over 35 times during a 15 year period. Every time I started feeling even a little hypomanic I would go off my meds, and of course it wasnt long until I was into full blown mania. I ultimately found that with the right therapy, the proper meds, but mainly a shift in my world view, I could find peace. I no longer want to be anyone other than me. Trying to be some sort of savior for the world is what got me into all the trouble in the first place. Ive been out of the hospital now for more than 2 years and I truly feel like a whole person. I hope your journey ends with joy and peace.