Am I a writer? Am I an artist? Who am I?
What is it that defines who I am?
Or if I have worth.
I am on a quest to find out what I need to do to find my purpose.
I have been posting here on steemit for quite a few months. With a little practice and a heap of encouragement from lovely people I have enjoyed posting, creating and writing. Creative writing is not something I ever attempted before.
Before.
Before has come to represent my circumstance.
A piece of my relatively impulsive user name has proven an appropriate reference for where I currently find myself and also my tendency to look back rather than forward.
Before, I knew I had a connective tissue disorder.
Before, my surprise pregnancy when my body fell apart.
Before, I rushed back to my obsession with fitness and running to make everything OK.
Before, I took on a 300km protest run to filter my grief and anger.
Before, I crashed and burned and lost my career, my life, my friends, my life.
Before , I became nothing. Just someone to step over or around in the living room.
I feel I am now ready to look back with a different perspective.
Not because my hope is restored, but because it is fading.
It is time to say-
Before- I knew I was capable of other things.
Before- I realised I had the ability to write.
Before- I reengaged my love for art.
Before- I found people who value what I do.
Before- I remembered I had dreams.
Before- I realised I had replaced my dreams with simply surviving.
Before - I realised my life depends on hope, because it does.
I am at a crossroads.
Potentially ready to start something new or potentially ready to completely give in, and give up.
The predisposition to fight and win is strong.
It is an innate part of all of us. The human condition. A condition with an equal measure of fragility when it comes to enduring that fight.
I am not seeking encouragement or reassurance. Or maybe I am...
I think I am seeking direction.
I have found some great mentors here.
One person @rensoul17 for instance is running another contest.
I think @rensoul17 is the right person to help me find out if I can write.
Her last couple of contests have really engaged us.
As writers yes, but she also asked for something more. For us to dig a little deeper and write from somewhere personal.
She also has a special way of mentoring a writer in a very comprehensive way.
Improving and challenging your writing and caring for the person you are too. For where the ideas are generated from and what they mean to you beneath the surface.
I have never been on board a steemit game that has me progress through stages. I have hesitated to commit to them or I find them late.
I'm not sure where this latest one is going, but it is Ren.
So I had to jump in.
I have no idea what is around the corner.
The first task required a piece of writing including the title, that was precisely 175 words.
My first exact word count task complete, I now wait with the other initiatives for rest of the 12 to arrive at the battle ground.
There are only 12 spots.
I am going to stop running after the things in life I think I need. Just stop and see what comes, I can't run anymore.
Extracts from school reports I found yesterday.
I always interpreted my reports in a negative way. While they clearly are not a shining example of diligence, I now recognise the acknowledgement of potential...
It's never to late to realise your potential.
This one is from my high school art teacher.
I have a post partially dedicated to answering that question, you can visit it here if you like
https://steemit.com/dolphinschool/@manuelmendez/who-are-you-no-i-m-not-asking-your-name-or-succeed-in-steemit-and-in-life-day-1-out-of-8
Don't underestimate the power of running without direction, happy accidents can happen
Nice post
Thank you for your comment and perfectly timed post. My voting power is extremely diminished. I gave you my little bit that I have.
Thank you. Following.
Oh I LOVE you! You speak soooooo from the heart and soul and beyond <3<3<3 I'm not in here much cos of hand-ii-hocks .... operations hopefully coming soooooon xxxx my last post is sad btw - not cos I'm generally sad, just I've been feeling blue of late. i don't know if i'll manage this myself, but it sounds a beautiful idea xxxxxx thank you for showing me this xxxxxx
I didn't manage it lol. I missed the first bloody prompt and got knocked out before I started lol. My hands and neck are effed as well. I'm doing some presurgery work ups too, I had a bucket load of injections to the spine yesterday to hopefully figure out Which area to target. Will see surgeon again next week to decide what course of action to take. C Spine - neck surgery, it has gotten so bad it effects my peripherals and my hands aren't working too well. I am hoping he will propose something soon.
I miss a lot of great posts because I can't scroll around much, any activity makes it worse and I'm supposed to be taking it easy for a few days. If I took life any easier I'd be dead, I do nothing. so please send me links of your work so I don't miss them.
We are a good pair. Truly the raven sisterhood is a funny thing. When I replied before I didn't realise it was on the Raven head post, he will be thinking, who are these 2 bonkers bird ladies, one is obsessed and terrified all at once.
When you first pooped up with a long name starting with girl, and raven poetry to die for, I was instantly yours you crazy bint, I love you. X
haha re: raven :) - shit re all else! what's up? you said connective tissue? my hands are fucked and i don't quite know why - not the arthritis exactly - just some shitty complication which is possibly carpal tunnel but maybe not? argh - i'm seeing someone else for a second opinion before having my wrists sliced open (OMG!) I'll check out your reply on raven head now hahahahah and UGH hate taking it easy arghghghghg i've had too much of that and i feel for you sooooooo badly! Though sounds like your medical care is a billion times better than mine was. (Took them 18 months to be bothered enough to investigate my hips properly and to discover it was the same problem they were already treating me for - what a bunch of utter muppets. anyway, going to try and video new poem TODAY!
I was told carpel tunnels by one Muppet too, but I knew it was the nerves from my neck, and I do have arthritis in my hands, and degeneration in most joints actually.
I have Ehlers danlos syndrome which presents like hypermobile joints, but can effect any connective tissue in the body. It is a collagen gene defect.
So yep, my hips aren't good either, sacroiliac joint not brilliant. I tend to dislocate joints because the soft tissue ligaments, tendons are faulty. Over time popping joints back in has caused damage. It is not new symptom wise, but the diagnosis and degree to which it has escalated is. The last 18 months particularly, but started to show worsening signs I ignored since 2014ish.
It may look like arthritis but a rheumatologist won't find inflammatory markers because it is a gene problem. If they are unaware of connective tissue disorders they will likely call it fibromyalgia or complex regional pain syndrome...something like that. I have met too many Muppet's lately. I'm sick of all of them.
The first thing I noticed was my hands go, in pregnancy. I got up in the morning and I can't use them. I still can't, it takes a while to get them going in the morning, they feel swollen but don't always look like it. They called it carpel tunnels, maybe it was to a degree, it happens in pregnancy but it was more than that. They just go for the simplest single label, there is nothing simple about my problem unfortunately.
This UK site is probably the best I've found.
https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/
I have met so many people recently with EDS. I set up a charity for people with autoimmune arthritis and it seems to have flushed out a lot of people who have other kinds of similar problems that unfortunately I was not aware of before and our constitution doesn't cover. I have sero negative arthritis - basically spinal and peripheral joint disease. It affects absolutely everything especially my tendons and ligaments too. I deal with it very well naturally though it hasn't been easy. ESD and hypermobility are all pretty s***. I had consultants tell me I had these problems and fibromyalgia when I couldn't walk for 18 months and basically them saying they couldn't do anything. I suppose in that respect I was lucky when they found out it was the arthritis all along. I know nothing about those other conditions you mention and diet - all I know is it helps me hugely. I am so sorry you are going through all this. I also regularly find I can't use certain things like my hands on My Left Foot. I've no idea what is up. I just try not to stress it anymore. Ive givrn up expecting much from doctors. Xxxxxx
https://steemit.com/poetry/@girlwithoutwings/on-ravendale-hill-part-1 here you go sweetie. Enjoy <3 just done part 2. Will load at some point xxx
It is OK. When you materialised I knew girl..... Who's words were from the god's who spoke of raven's had more than black birds and a similar username.
You are an angel. I showed your last spoken word to my husband and daughter and they both agreed you have the voice of an angel.
Thank you for your kind words. Do you know what I would really love? To see a video of one of your spoken words. I loved what you left for me in the comment for the poem I did - it was so beautiful - the verse At The End. Truly kindred spirits xx
Most times we only need one person who believes in us to motivate us and you found that out in your visual art teacher.
Sometimes we get a push when we look back from where we started. These are self motivated words
Before- I knew I was capable of other things.
Before- I realised I had the ability to write.
Before- I reengaged my love for art.
Before- I found people who value what I do.
Before- I remembered I had dreams.
Before- I realised I had replaced my dreams with simply surviving.
You are who you want to be and can be who ever you want to be
Very inspiring post. I am an aspiring writing. I've been writing poems for fun for years. Only lately have I aspired to write stories and even novels.
The funny thing is that I am actually presently in a highly technical profession and creative writing couldn't further from what people would expect I'd be interested in.
Time to start listening to what's in my heart I suppose.
Thanks!
Yesterday I wrote a blogpost titled 'Who am I'. What a coincidence. It reflected the many sides of me and how I feel about myself. I am so glad you are clear on what you were before and don't really know where you will be heading because that is what helps you have lots of new and exciting experience. Just keep going with the flow and I think creativity is a big part of you so be it writing or art, you are creative and you will do great at it :)
@girlbeforemirror, you have touched on something that is so dear to my heart that it hurt a little to read it just now.
We live in a world that is fueled by synthetic purpose, pushing the limits of our hearts, starving them of real connection and drive, replaced by synthetic replacements... "a real job", "work towards retirement", "financial freedom"... all of these made by man and fuelled by misused marketing creativity. An abuse of the natural state of pure excitement that we were designed to be driven by!
I truly stand by that Humanity has one large screaming issue that is fueling the drama and suffering everywhere.... and that is the lack of Authentic Purpose.
I think we are all scrambling to find what our real purpose will look like, but struggling as the world around us is changing so quickly that it is so easily disorientating!
I work with various esoteric systems with this soul purpose of restoring authentic purpose, and if you would be willing to receive the gift, I just need your Date/Time/Location of Birth to create a "mini-reading" for you that might just hold a few clues, if not at least a little inspiration for the journey. :)
If you would like this, and absolutely no pressure, then please feel free to send that info to my email: info@markbentley.com.au
(Ps. I dont need your real name or any other info like that and also feel free to decline. :) )
So much love, and I will be joining you in this challenge. :cD