A thousand lives on a year
***Warning, before you start reading this I must tell you, this is a very long crazy chronicle about the thousand lives I lived during 2016. It was a year that changed my life in a million ways, so at the beginning of 2017 I decided to write every single detail about it because I didn’t wanted to forget… Sure, I didn’t knew that 2017 was going to be even more drastical, but I will save that for another very long chronicle. Have fun reading! And sorry for the length ;) ***
January 2017
Welcome 2017! It’s wonderful to know that my new year’s resolution is to write about how my last year’s resolution went by, actually I want to write about the whole 2016, because, I must say, that year ultimately changed my life. I think it's been a long time since the last time I wrote a chronicle, I really do not understand why; Although I no longer attend to so many events that are worth reporting, every second lived, life itself, that is indeed the most important chronicle I could get to write about, if only in my opinion.
I will not continue with ramblings and I will just cut to the chase, in Spanish the expression would be “going straight to the grain”, or in my case, to the complete sack of grains that gradually took me to the present day; 2017, where beyond resolutions or wishes to make changes for the new year, I believe that I will live the life that is ultimately waiting for me and the one that I know nothing about, so full of surprises.
2016
2016 started like any other year. New resolutions, a lot of food for the celebrations, a soft start with a few extra pounds well earned from the holidays, but not in my case because I miraculously exercised during the whole month of December (I know you did not want to know about that, but I have to gloat about this feat), everything in absolute calm and harmony; what I did not know at that moment is how I was going to live a thousand lives in 366 days, and yes, 366 because it was a leap year, maybe that was the reason for such evolution and movement in my life.
I remember getting back to work after the holidays and for a moment I said to myself, "I'm finally in the right place, I'm calm and everything is stable and monotonous", in fact, I think I’ve never been more wrong in my whole life. I was really wrong. Before I go on I must tell you that I know that for many people the word monotony plays in itself a premise of something extremely boring. One thing, always the same, but for me it's quite different. I regard monotony as that exact moment when you are sufficiently fit and comfortable in something, the exact moment when you are feeling so perfect in your comfort zone, that perhaps you have the freedom to relax for a good while, and perhaps you have the opportunity to tell yourself “Today I will break this monotony; I have the opportunity to have fun at the beach" or something like that. After so much planning, there’s always time to break the rules.
I am a person of habits and I’ve always imagined myself living in a quiet routine, for some reason just the thought of that specific scenario just gave me some peace of mind. The certainty of things and the perfect order in life would allow me to have a moment of inner tranquility, for some reason I have not fallen into the monotony of a routine in a very long time.
Ok, now let’s get back to the plot of events that got me completely out of that happy monotony I was looking for. From one second to the next I told myself at work that everything was perfect, unfortunately, things decided to take a very different course. The incessant instability of our country has made it impossible for the average citizen to stay in a normal routine. Everything changes every day. The economical situation, the ability to live a quiet life, and this in fact not only affects you as an individual, it has take its toll on the few companies that are still struggling to stay open and that have been hit by this constant evolution, a complete spiral of destruction.
"Jessica, there’s going to be a restructure of all the departments" these were the much feared words that a coworker told me in the first half of January. For those who have not lived in Venezuela, restructure is the nice way to tell you that you must leave the company. Just by saying the word the general panic unleashes within the company that is slowly cracking apart, and where many comrades already know that it is time to pack the box with the old stapler and some sad scissors. "And Jessica, do not worry. You are safe, although your position will be restructured as well."
The restructure
"Oh God, what have I done to deserve this?!" that's more or less the expression of astonishment that I said when I learned that I was going to be “restructured” whatever that means. The truth is that in the dreaded month of January many comrades said goodbye to the company. To be exact, this was my restructuring: "Jessica, we're going to fire your coworker A and your coworker b, so you'll end up doing your job plus A and B’s work." That is, I suddenly became an alphabet, because I had to start doing the ABC work, in addition to a D that I won’t even bother to explain.
The truth is that I panicked. The people who had known me at a professional level will tell you that I am a very capable person, that I learn fast and that I adapt myself with the speed of a lightning. But that really did not matter to me at that point. I was extremely overwhelmed and frightened, but deep, very deep down I was happy. This was my time to grow. If I was going to be a CEO in the next few years, then this ABC chief position was definitely the right thing to do. And so I did. In less than a month I was already speaking the ABCD language with fluency and joy. I was a master and commander of my brands, and if I did not explain it before, yes, the work was in a marketing department, and I came to love it with my whole being.
Say yes to life
I think that after mentioning the way I consider monotony to be then you will know that I am a very calm and traditional person. Although now I must explain you the traditional part of me; With traditional I mean that I am a very homey person and a daytime kind of person who does not enjoys going out at night (especially with my country situation. In fact we should all be more diurnal by now). I’m very respectful of all things, fearful of many others (although that is not so good), with a growing aversion to street food (we must remember that the norms of food safety no longer apply in this lost continent) and drink. Well, let's put it like this, I am not a party girl. Maybe all I've explained has nothing to do with the meaning of traditional, but that’s a good way to define Jessica, at least the version of Jessica 1.0. The truth is that for the months of February, March and April, everything was about to change.
How is it possible that could I change that much? What transcendental event could happen to make me see with good eyes many things that I simply did not enjoyed? Very simple, someone made me change. I know that it is wrong to personally change for others or to be influenced in some way, but I think that just applies to bad influences. During 2016 one of my best friends had a personal challenge, she wanted me to change the way I saw things. She wanted me to be more open to life, and thank God for that, it was really necessary and it prepared me for many things.
To try to cut to the chase again, I will say the following: I was bordered to a lot of new things but the truth is that I had a great time. I attended to a salsa class. I ate my first hot dog at the street, which also had a special pineapple additive (and they were exquisite); by the way, I ate those hot dogs with some beers. Seriously.
I started to eat fried chicken, hamburgers, choripanes, whatever you can imagine; I really became an Anthony Bourdain of food and drink, and yes, all of that in the company of my Andrew Zimmern, my counterpart, my best friend Bru.
I have discovered that I can drink up to 5 beers without any problem; the truth is that I can drink and I do not lose my faculties. The only thing is that my Aristotelian side comes out when I have some drinks, and I become philosophical, boring and as my sister says, I become a "sad drunk" something like a version of a "sad clown", so drinking does not generate in me an indescribable joy. By the way, I started going out at night, although I was already at 12 o'clock at my house with some pajamas on.
At those sleepless nights I met a lot of people and I also began to hang out with some colleagues at work that I’ve never considered. I realized with all these experiences that there’s nothing to be scared of. There should never be a “no” for the things you don’t know. It is important that you give yourself the opportunity to have new experiences, that way you will know who you are and what you really enjoy. The world is immense, we get one life to live, and time is too important to limit your vision.
I’m going to the mountain
Among all these new experiences, I was presented with one that I did not expected either. For some reason, the company in which I was working decided to organize a special trip for its collaborators. It was a fantastic trip to the national park Güaraira Repano, better known as El Ávila. Usually the company used to organize one or another trip or event in order to achieve a better organizational climate, but no one enjoyed attending to these activities, especially in the department where I was working.
I know that they were all good coworkers; they were friendly and with a good disposition at their jobs, but the reality is that they had a closed vision when it came to sharing with other areas. The truth is that every single time these outings were organized, well, no one wanted to go, and if I wanted to do so, then I had to deal with certain judgments from everyone, so I never did. But when El Ávila trip got organized I simply said yes, this was my ride, my right, my moment, and I could enjoy it alone, with company or under any circumstances. I was willing to join all my companions, to talk to whoever was necessary and to enjoy life.
That's how I went to El Avila and I got myself in an awful cable car, with all the fear of the world inside me (I’m afraid of heights) but at the same time I was very happy. I walked and took pictures throughout the park. I ate delicious fruits, strawberries with cream, the famous giant pork sandwich (everything was absolutely free), I took a few shots of “Aguardiente” with a union partner that I would never have talked to in life (by the way, It was illegal to have drinks over the trip, so this made it even more fun; specially for me because I’m always acting recklessly as you can see), I enjoyed the cold and the nice freshness of the beautiful mountain, and so I collected more stories in a day than many could have had in a year.
That's how I continued to realize that opportunities are unique and when they are presented you simply have to take them, without being aware of the opinion or the judgments that others may have. It is important that you are always able to have your own opinion in each situation.
And I said goodbye to them, at least for now
One of the saddest things to live in today's Venezuela is that it has become a farewell land. There are thousands who decide to move away every year because they are not willing to give any more opportunities to this land; the government has mined every space and for some people the only solution to the crisis is to move to other lands away from this immense chaos. It is a sad way of thinking but I do not really judge the ones who think that way.
Particularly I am a very positive person and I know that all this is going to change, that this is temporary and that we will be a successful nation again, but I cannot get angry with who decides to fight their battles elsewhere.
The truth is that the difficult thing about this scenario is that it gets closer and closer to your life. You think that your friends and family will always be there around the corner and they will not take that option to emigrate, but the day they do it, you know there is no turning back.
In 2016 I had to live 3 painful farewells that were practically consecutive. My best friends no longer live in Venezuela, they are no longer around the corner, and the reality is that I do not know when I will be able to see them again. When I think about how much I miss them and how much it hurts, I can only think of their families and the suffering they must be feeling. This country situation has separated us again and again, and we wonder when normality will return.
First it was my Brune, she went away from Venezuela in May and a little light just went off inside me. There were no more night outings, no more fried chicken or beers, and the adventures at the Tico just ended. Months after that, her *cosmic twin, my dear Allinson left in October and he was the closest thing I had to my Brune. And then my cosmic twin Miguel moved to Bogota in that same month; the heated debates about feminism, philosophy and cinema were over. Every day I miss them as the very first moment, as in that opportunity when we said goodbye. I want them back. I want them with me and all I hope is that soon things will change and we will be a land of encounters.
*For me, and only for me I think, a cosmic twin is a person who shares your exact interests. You could said it’s like having a twin brother that is just exactly like you but that in fact it’s not your brother or sister. My best friend Brunella and our friend Allinson they are exactly the same. Two peas in a pod. In my case I have my own cosmic twin in Miguel, but to difference myself from him, I don’t have to win every single argument as a freaking lawyer, and of course, I am not a man with a long beard.
Driving me crazy
From that fearful little creature that was the Jessica 1.0, it turns out an advanced version with many more options and some evolution, Jessica 2.0. So one of those things that I feared the most and that I thought I would never face was the fact of learning to drive. I remember thinking to myself "I will never drive, my husband will take me everywhere" that thought was so inconvenient and so dependent. The truth is that I was very much afraid of this activity, because I’m always so cautious, respectful and responsible, and your wild side gets out a little while you are driving, as well as many other instincts, and well, I thought this was not for me.
It all changed in the month of August, where I participated in an interview for a fairly high position within another organization. The job proposal was so good that they assigned you your own vehicle. "Why should we hire you and not someone else?" Asks the manager of the company, and I responded with a boost of confidence "because I am a winner. Because everything I want I will achieve it, and I learn with the impressive speed of a lighting." I do not really regret it, that level of confidence full of arrogance, I do not know if it's a good thing in an interview, but I always use that strategy because I think I'm going to succeed. I’m a winner.
Returning to the driving issue, they also asked me, "do you know how to drive? Do you have a license?" to which I just replied yes, although it was a big lie. At that moment I realized the big problem I had gotten myself into. I was not afraid to drive, it was a huge phobia. It was dreadful. But I really wanted that job.
That same day I enrolled myself in a driving school with a rather bizarre and strange teacher that I have always compared to the arch-enemy of SpongeBob, Bubblebass; which as well as unpleasant, was a very flirtatious man who was all over me in each class. But it did not matter. I learned to drive in a two by three and now I even have my license.
Unfortunately I did not get the job after all, but it does not matter. This crazy situation pushed me to learn something that I needed for a long time. This is another important lesson, you should not be pushed into certain situations, it is best if you are prepared with time and willingness to make everything come out in an excellent way (and I’m a winner ;D).
The restructure Vol. 2
Exactly I went back to the restructuring. Who'd say? When I just learned the ABCD language I got the frustrating letter f "you are fired". I am not going to gloat over the details, but I must say that the company has been restructured 3 or 4 times throughout 2016 and that unfortunately the process will continue in 2017. The country situation has driven my organization to an overwhelming scenario where a closure seemed to be coming and sadly it’s still knocking at the door.
"Jessica, I'm sorry to tell you this, but get ready, they're going to fire 30% of employees in each area." That's what I was told by a friend that I owe a lot, a great friend who was always a right hand at my working environment. After that announcement, I knew it was time to prepare. Days went by and I was trying to be mentally prepared until the imminent just simply happened. What many do not know is that in Venezuela you cannot be fired because of the laws of work that generate irremovability; therefore companies cannot expel members of their staff. They can only offer the so-called happy boxes (a lot of money), waiting for a voluntary resignation.
And so it was, the time came for the farewell. They called me and offered a higher payment than I ever thought I could access. A real happy box. And with the pain of my soul I took it and signed my resignation. It was a very painful time because I am a person who is 100% committed with each activity, with each place, with each person. I thought for a moment that my professional life was over, I cried for days like something just died, and I know I was very dramatic.
The truth is that leaving the company was the best thing that ever happened to me and it is something that I realized practically like a week after signing my resignation. Since that I have had several important job opportunities and also realized that working as a freelancer could earn me much more money than the conventional type of work, I also have more time to share, to be with my family, to take care of myself, and by the way, now I have a corporate identity with my own life.
Heartbreaks and toxic boys
While it is true that love is the most wonderful feeling, there cannot be anything more frightening than the lack of it. Nothing prepares you for that moment when a special someone throws your heart into the floor, and thrust me I lived some of those feelings during 2016, the good, the bad and the ugly as well. As you know I already described myself as a quiet and traditional girl, so there is not a huge history or record about boyfriends to worry about. I did not really have a "quasi boyfriend" since my college days, so it had been a long time.
From the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 I was in a very strange relationship with a toxic person, and I must say he was very far from comparisons with the toxic avenger (I can suppose that Toxie the strange super hero would have been a better mate choice). In general terms it was a relationship with an indescribable lack of love and it was also full of injustice, disrespect, and he ruined my birthday! (how come I fell into it? I don’t really know), luckily I never fell in love with this person in question. But as expected, the break up moment was painful.
Actually a break up moment will never be sweet. There are always feelings involved but not necessarily related to love. In my case it was not a broken heart. It was my ego that was hit. My self-esteem. Why this person doesn’t realize that I am a great girl? That's the kind of question you get to ask to yourself; I’m not so good? Not so smart and not so pretty? What's going on? Well, the truth is, nothing happens, so please do not ask those questions to yourself. It’s very simple, not all the relationships end in something good and not all of us are compatible. Love remains the same and you can get it elsewhere, and let me tell you, when it finally happens it will be better than you can imagine.
That breakup ended on a day of tears, a bilateral otitis (that happened because I had low defenses, I was not in the mood. And, I have to say, I get sick when I’m angry or sad), and a few insults. And after that kind of situation you resurge like the phoenix and you realize that it was nothing. Life goes on and it's up to you to be happy.
Throughout the year you can say that I had several admirers that came to my life on mysterious ways. The truth is they were all very weird. One was more crazy and stranger than the previous one. One with a black aura as the night, others were very vulgar, and others with the insistence of a crazy goat. So let's just say I did not pay attention to any them, I knew that my happy ending was somewhere else and it all started inside my heart.
No more submissive Jessica
The truth is that I have spoken a whole lot about so many events and so far I did not told you anything about my 2016 resolution. The only thing I asked for (and that was supposed to be the subject of this long and eternal chronicle) was to stop being so submissive and silent.
Actually I asked to be a badass; I wanted to kick ass or something similar. I wanted to be strong, tough; I wanted to know how to defend my opinions properly, not to endure any more injustice and to prove my worth. I wanted to be like Clint Eastwood in the Dollars Trilogy or like any magnificent character portrayed by John Wayne, and yes, all mixed up with the elegance of Jane Russell.
That respectful side that I told you earlier had slowed me down in a thousand aspects. For a long time I was unable to defend myself and to say all the things I really wanted to say. At my work environment I was unable to tell certain things to my boss, things she should know and that I refused to say. The truth is that after so many painful moments, being bullied for so long, disrespectful encounters, adventures and misadventures, I decided that this was the moment to change. This was not going to keep happening again.
Between the months of September and November I obtained several interesting but unsatisfactory works. I came from bad bosses to even more horrible ones. From toxic coworkers to pure radioactive acid, but the only thing that changed for the better was definitely me. I woke up one morning and I said to myself it was time to change. I gave up two jobs with my head high and without discussion; I left those jobs in an assertive way, and well, at my new job I have the ability to defend my arguments in a timely manner. So great! I am a new person who was reborn from the ashes and I have promised myself to never return to that state of submission. I will be happy being myself, because I am the owner of my destiny.
The end for now
So now you know everything, I have changed over and over again, I lived a thousand lives in a year, I danced salsa, I had beer, I ate street food, I cried, I smiled and I grew. It is incredible to remember all the experiences I had in what has been the most successful year of my life, the year I became a better person, a better version of myself and that has been a starting point for the millions of beautiful things that are to come and that I surely will share with you.
