This might be my last post ever.

I'm going to be honest, I'm going to finish this post and then I am going to heavily contemplate suicide. This isn't the first time. The last time I felt like this was back in 2012 after my fiancee died.

and everyone said "oh don't do it, there's so much to live for blah blah blah."

Every one of those people fucked me over in some way. In fact I could almost say I regret meeting everyone I met in the last five years.

So in 2012 drama and stress from our jet set life drove my ex fiancee into drugs and then an overdose death, I wasn't even decent enough to follow her into the grave as the band fell apart "that's ok, start over!" everyone said.

So that's what I do. I get a 9-5 job, vanilla as fuck in marketing, keep to my own, pretty much, Clark Kent my way through life with my secret identity being a producer and DJ but I get this stupid idea in my head I wanted to be an example to kids around me from this guy:

Thankfully, that's not me in the battle. That's Calicoe. The guy spitting at him is Loaded Lux. What he was speaking are what in Hip Hop are called "Grown Man Bars". Grown man bars are something that will change your life and your outlook. Real shit that the usual pistol packing, how many bitches I get, how yellow your teeth are shit. I wasn't even IN this battle and the stuff Lux said changed my mind from "get rich or die tryin" to consciousness.

Pretty much at that point I was a mercenary both in marketing and music. If you had a conversation with me about how to "exploit" kids developing psychology for a buck or said something disgusting to me like "we're putting together a campaign to promote to kids our sugary beverage is healthier than water"(and I'm not kidding)

I was in as long as the check cleared. If you said you were working on a mixtapes and you need beats that go with "beat your baby momma in front of your kids", "kill everybody get money" and "the secret to success is lean and xans" if the check cleared you got it!

But after that I changed, I decide I want to be a role model all of a sudden, because I know how lacking we are in that department. How rare it was to even just see a man going to work. Nontheless have someone to teach them fishing, how to play ball, what to do with girls. I'm not talking myself up, from me it's like Deadpool putting on a suit and talking to kids but it's better than NOBODY and sorting it out yourself.

I started focusing on trying to help smaller and ethical businesses. Even for no pay, I became like, the Matt Murdock of marketers...admittedly for me that's not really work, promoting good and useful things for people. Doing reputation and crisis management for good honest people that might have made a mistake and just need to tell their story instead of the toothpaste company whose product erodes pipes and they have no intention on changing because to fix it would cost more.

I started getting into the importance of knowing how to use computers because so many of these kids just have smartphones or ipads nowadays. Talking about learning to write a resume, program something other than a synth for a beat for your soundcloud so on and so forth.

Even about games, and to be honest on the programming and games stuff, I was teaching myself the stuff slightly before I was coaching it!

I'm going somewhere with this, all this interest in gamedev leads me to a site called "Gama Sutra". One day while reading it I read some articles about "Gamers are dead". Running down that rabbit hole lead me to 4chan they had something called Gamergate going down, the journalists were accusing everyone that didn't love games journalism of being racist sexist straight white males and there's plenty of minorities there so I tell them to come up with a hashtag #notyourshield to speak up for yourselves and get them back on point.

People got mad as hell at me after that, weird internet people called my job, family and shit, claiming I was sexist, racist, a nazi, the marketing jobs were a wrap.

Now this would have been a perfectly good time to say "fuck it", and start doing some trap shit, but I felt I couldn't after everything I had said before to people. If I started doing that or started using again...I mean what would I be? A hypocrite, an example of why nobody else should stop. Why they shouldn't even try in the first place?

So I started legally and ethically sorting how to make things work. I've always been too proud to ask for government assistance, figure I'm too big and healthy when someone else needs it but I started working youtube, asking for donations for content and that got things moving. Even writing a couple of books one of which you can read for free on medium

I met a girl, she got me into veganism and all this shit then left when the doctor said I really should be eating meat with meals on the diet he had me on. The illness is in remission at least.

I always tried to look out for those less fortunate than myself but usually one way or the other end up regretting it because I'm not too far from "not fortunate".

Met another girl who really wasn't shit and isn't even worth talking about. I wrote some porn because, hey people buy it!(sketchy, not `00% role model, but legal and ethical) Somehow my Pokemon Go erotica ended up being a best seller on amazon for a few weeks.

Then I got banned from Amazon. (It's low key on Barnes and Noble if you want a gag gift for the holiday!)

I tried making EDM, Muses was my first go at it trying so many different things. Themes of love, trance, uplifting stuff. It sold nothing. But I decided to make an album.

Poundtown as the name implies was less subtle than Muses. A harder album not entirely reverting to my roots but doing something new with them.

It did terribly. As did the free shows. I should have known better, our "movement" festival was free when it used to be Detroit electronic music festival. But people take "pay what you want" as "cool free shit!"

I wrote some apps. I never made them for money but just useful things I think people could use like Distress Alarm, games and useful utilities that weren't filled with microtransaction or gambling BS. but I can't fight those trends.

There's bigger things to fight and nobody will listen when it comes to those. Everyone is just happy to sit back and consume. Why even try? Why try another EP? why try activism? why write anymore? why do another video? why even go out? Why meet anyone? why talk to anyone? why not just crawl into a grave?

That kind of brings me to the point in this. I don't know what else there is for me to say, do, be, in this world or even if there's a place for me in it anymore.

When I look around at people, it seems like greed, lies, convenient narratives rule vs community, honesty and inconvenient truths. I don't know whether or not I'm lying to children and setting them up for failure by telling them not to exploit, insult, bully. When I look around it seems like the people that do these things shoot straight to the top.

I'm struggling. Emotionally and financially, I'm surprised the internet and lights are on right now TBH I thought they'd have been cut last week but I forgot they are usually nice around the holidays. It feels like my entire life will be that struggle, I'm waking up thinking I should have been less giving, Why'd I look out for kids, people who were bullied, why'd I leave companies that are still profiting off of selling unhealthy habits and even gambling to kids exploiting their psychology? Why'd I make enemies calling out abusers? You know these people go right back to work and it's you standing there looking dumb. Why did I stop pushing toxic mindsets? Why did I push for truth in a complex world? Why didn't I pick a team and swing for it instead of pissing off both sides by calling out their shit?

It really feels like if you try to be a good person, look out for people, do the basic right thing, you're a nomadic outcast. If you strive to make the world right you're fighting against it everyday and it's like fighting the tide. alone.
While if I'd have stood for lying, stealing, manipulation, fraud, even rape, rampant pedophilia...shit I'd probably be Top 20 right now & a millionaire. The other day a man went up to a woman's home with a gun out the same way someone came up to my mother's as a kid. She had a home security system and caught it on camera so she knew not to go to the door or open it but it's just made me think what's changed? Is this all just an endless cycle?

It's gnawed at me for years and it shouldn't, I was 4 when my mother died, not the 240 lb house sized mass of "fuck you" I'd be if someone did it today. But I couldn't save Alyssa either. It seems like I can't save or really help anybody even myself.

Just what's the point? I envy the people that don't have to feel like this anymore. I envy Alyssa doesn't have to see any of this because she was too good for this world and the way I'm looking at it, I'd like to join her...