I Hate You, I Love You- My BPD Part 1
A brief description of BPD quoted from Wikipedia:
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD),[7] is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.[4][5] There is often frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, self-harm, and an extreme fear of abandonment.[4] Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.[4] The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[5] Substance abuse, depression, and eating disorders are commonly associated with BPD.[4] BPD increases the risk of self-harm and 10% of people affected die by suicide.[4][5]"
Do I love you because I am happy or do I hate you because I am mad? I can't differentiate feelings from my mood. When I am grumpy I feel like I hate you; but when I am happy I feel like I love you. Say one thing wrong and I can't stand you, but if you fix it by saying a few things right then I love you again.
My doctor and I, we're adjusting my medications right now and we're struggling to find the right combination. There are no medications that directly treat BPD but many that can control the symptoms.
I'm angry with everyone and everything majority of the time so it's not just you, but the emotions are most extreme with you. This can be explained in term of you being my "favorite person", which with us borderlines, is a common thing. You guys get the brunt of it all, you see beyond the surface of what looks to others as just a sensitive and moody person. You see into the black; you experience the hell of rage and screaming, insecurity and paranoia. You're the ones accused when we're delusional and entirely convinced you're only with us because you know we won't be safe if you left us. But you also get to see the other side; you get to see the light and the white, past the "splitting". Our love is immense when we know we are feeling it, we are always honest and you can trust that. You get to enjoy our sense of humor and finally laugh off some of the weight we both carried when we fell into the darker part of the disorder.
We know we can be irrational and mean, at least I do. I'm very self-aware, and the guilt of who I can be never weighs less on my mind. I want to know how I truly feel. I don't want my feelings to be so malleable. I don't want them to be so attached to my emotions; I want them to be attached to parts of me that don't change when I am upset, or joyful. I want to know how I feel so I can reassure you the way I need to be reassured.
My moods change with or without reason, and they can change within seconds. When it changes for the better I find it stressful to know I even felt hate toward someone as kind as you. Someone who has been patient with someone like me, someone who has never gotten angry no matter how much I pushed you. I want to say that I feel I am me when I am happy, that anger makes me someone else I do not recognize and feel emotions I can not claim, but that would be as reliable as me saying I am certain that I love you even when I am not happy.
I hate myself for being so unsure; and that's one thing that doesn't change when my mood does.
My best friend has BPD so I'm pretty familiar with it. It sounds like you already have a lot of insight into the disorder and how it affects your own behavior and that puts you miles ahead of most people that have any kind of issue like that. :) Keep working with your doctor and find a good therapist if you can. It's hard work but you can definitely overcome this.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I am on a wait list to see a therapist- hopefully that is soon.
I agree @kristyleann here in my country people are still struggling with admiring to themselves they need psychiatric help because of the stigma that comes with it. besides not much institutions here too. Great comment here @kristyleann. Just don't give up mandyteacup. You just keep helping
Wow that is a lot of mood changes! I have at most dealt with depression at random times and the occasional mood changes earlier in my twenties.
The mood changes are very excessive. Depression sucks, too.
That is rough. From what I have seen in life, once someone starts trying to get their medication figured out for mood stabilization it can be a long process. And sometimes after they've been on the medication for a while they are then tricked into believing that they don't need the medication because they feel normal and they go off and the cycle begins again. Hang in there.
It's a feeling I have definitely had. I have wondered, do I really need this? Or people have made me feel guilty for taking it. Been tempting to quit it all together, but I know for sure that wouldn't end well.
Thank you.
It is interesting to hear your insight into your own internal struggles with BPD, and you posting this hopefully will help others who are suffering from the same thing. I have worked with clients who have BPD and it can be a rocky road in their healing process, especially if they lack insight into their own thought patterns and how it triggers their moods. One client described it as “chronic loneliness” which definitely can be a symptom. I work with a lot of children who have attachment trauma (due to various reasons but never due to any fault of their own) which often seems to be a precursor to BPD later in life – especially if gone untreated. Unfortunately, as you stated, there is no magic pill for BPD, but psychotropic medication can help ease some of the symptoms. I hear great things, however, about Dialetical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to treat BPD which adds a component of mindfulness including the 3 states of mind: the reasonable mind, the emotional mind, and the wise mind.
Your knowledgeable input is invaluable to me. I would like to get back into DBT group- I found that very helpful.
This is a very well explained description of what it is like from the suffers rational point of view.
I have a partner who is recently diagnosed with BPD and it is not easy.
I myself have a similar diagnosis.
You may or may not like this poem I wrote.... https://steemit.com/mentalhealth/@laurabean/bipolar-coming-to-terms-with-a-diagnosis
I appreciate you sharing your poem with me. I commented and upvoted.
I am sorry you struggle too. <3
Thank you. x
What a weird disorder! The brain does weird things when you don't drink enough water!
;) LOL
Too much coffee? LOL
You know they speak so much of the other disorders such as depression but not really BPD. I now wonder if I have in the past or even now battle with this. My friends and I usually say that I react solely off emotions when things happen. Thank you for this helpful insight.
All the other brain disorders seem to get lost and hidden behind depression and anxiety. It is good to raise awareness for them all. I am glad this was helpful to you.
@mandyteacup it's a great post I think all of us have some mental disorder no one is ever perfect. Perfection afterall is boring
We all could certainly meet the criteria for something in the DSM, for sure. Thank you for thinking it is a great post.
My moods are definitely changing too much...
I am sorry you experience the struggle.
good publication
!!! friend
Thank you :)