fin? – This Little Life Of Mine.

Tuesday, 24th April 2018

13.12

Where are the days inbetween? They disappeared up my arse! Or more accurately, up my nose.It’s time to stop hiding from the truth and stop hoping it’s going to get any better…….without effort.I’m going to work in an hour or so. An evening job at Lego. Sonny is coming this weekend.I’m writing these things down because I feel so detached from reality. It’s the true reason for the blog. I’ve written diaries all my life but when I’ve found them later, and read them, I’ve destroyed them. Once posted this can’t be destroyed. Has it helped? I don’t know. Has it hindered? Probably.But…….I can always start a new one, right?I think that time has come. Time to do things for me. Remap my future. Plan. Remember who I am.See if I can like myself again because, truthfully, I hate everything about myself right now.

Goal One:Get my brain working again.

15.20

“Get in the back of the van!”

We are heading towards London on the A40. More time for contemplation. It’s hard when you can’t think straight. Maintain a string of thought. Devise a plan. I’ll keep trying.

17.42

I’m sitting in an 8th floor riser. Slowly dropping a fiber cable down to the basement of the Lego offices on Fetter Lane. It took over an hour to get in the building.Jobsworth security.This job has been in the making for a month but Lego still forgot to inform the building manager or any of the other companies that we were doing it.

Cocks.

19.43

Almost done. I’ll come back tomorrow and terminate/test it. It’s all work innit.

Wednesday, 25th April 2018

07.25

I eventually rolled in the door, last night, about nine thirty. Slightly fucked, in both ways. Tired and wired. I drank 3 cans of Guinness( I just fancied it. I’m probably iron deficient), but still didn’t get to sleep until two. I found myself watching equilibrium, the Christian Bale film. It, typically, held horrible parallels to my current existence. Best not to dwell on it.I couldn’t be bothered to get up too early so I got the seven eighteen. I’m sure I’ll spend most of the trip staring at the pretty girl pretending to read a book opposite( I say girl, she’s probably in her mid thirties). On the upside, my brain is stringing thought together again.

08.50

I’m back at the evil, child corrupting, corporation that is Lego. Sitting patiently/impatiently in the “Lego Coffee Bar”. I can’t just crack on with terminating the fiber due to the high chance of industrial espionage or theft of Lego’s original ideas. Oh wait! Scrub the second one. There whole business is built on stealing original ideas and turning them into brightly coloured bricks.I’ve waited 35 minutes so far.

11.29

I’ve now left the evil corporation and afforded myself a quick pint in the Inn Of Court on Holborn. I thought today would be an early one but I’m going back to the Liverpool Street job for the rest of the day.I must list the positives. After the whole fuck up with the housing the other week, I have just received an email confirming my new banding with Spelthorne housing. I am a B1. I’d have to cut off a leg to get a higher one! I immediately logged onto the website.

“NO PROPERTIES AVAILABLE MATCHING YOUR CRITERIA”

It’s still a positive?………..

14.51

I spent a couple of hours in Liverpool Street. Then, everyone decided to go home. Then it rained. Then it stopped.

Bought cow lager.

Got on the train.

18.08

Through the mist I make something out. I just don’t know what it is yet. The more I approach, the further it seems away. I’m not ready yet. I can’t be ready yet.

Other than that, a usual Wednesday evening. Louis to army cadets and collect. I managed to secure work for tomorrow and a half day for Friday.Life goes on……..I’m slowly devising an end of this chapter playlist on Spotify. I’ll add it at the end.

Thursday 26th April 2018

04.51

I’m awake. I’ll lie and say I’ve been asleep. I’m sure I’ll pay for it later but at the moment I feel OK. Just a bit wired.

06.29

How many times have I been here? In this situation? Up all night. Full of drugs and alcohol. Sitting on the early train surrounded by commuters. Are there others like me? Who knows.

11.05

A nice, quiet day so far. Quick pint( I needed the downer!). I’ve no work tomorrow which works out well as I’m collecting Sonny(my other son)from Stonehenge at lunchtime.I just did a scratch card. I’m so fucked I couldn’t focus on it.

14.55

I made it. There were parts of today when I thought I might die. It’s been weird. Very surreal. As usual though, we got the job done. And probably in a much more professional manner than usual.All it means is, I lived up to the HST quote. Probably one of the only things I’ve ever tried to adhere to in my life.

“When the going gets weird.The weird turn pro.”

I’m on the Reading train now. Waiting for it to leave. Only a couple of small tasks to achieve then I can collapse. I am very close to complete physical and mental shutdown.I had to have one last visit to the edge(yeah right! As if!)……….OK. At least in this chapter.

Friday, 27th April 2018

13.37

I’m sitting in the car park at Stonehenge. A classic meeting place for the divorced couple to deposit children with each other. It’s a three hour round trip.I carried on last night until about 1am when I passed out. I can’t see the rest of this weekend being any better. I just can’t see an end to my self destruction because my body just won’t put up any warning signs. I feel healthy again.Change is coming. I can sense it. I just can’t see it yet.

16.32

Three hour round trip completed. We are all at home, safe and sound. It pretty much rained the entire way. Plus I can’t smoke in the way back as Sonny is with me.Anyway, done.

CONCLUSIONS

I think I’ve been writing this chapter for about 7 months. So, what have I learnt? That’s the real question.

• Be honest with your feelings
• Always finish your drink at night or you’ll drink it in the morning
• Buy in bulk. It’s better value.
• Never trust the establishment.
• Eat as many Frickles as you can.
• It’s really hard to reach the physical limit of debauchment.
• 8-balls on a Tuesday is fun but not the best idea.
• Hide your booze when you have a 13 year old.

Not a lot then really. I’m sure there is more but, truthfully, I’ve been too fucked. In one or another.It’s time for coherence. It’s time for forward movement.It’s time for me.Here’s the playlist containing as many of the songs as I can remember from This Little Life Of Mine:

https://open.spotify.com/user/1144009802/playlist/4UBHQF8gwRd6jXPfOJ5ZM2?si=gZHr1PjCRm6R1TGMZVVFrQ