Big Burd

I was sauntering along the street to get my train, one eye firmly glued to the steemit feed on my phone, another looking ahead for assassins and the third ensconsed firmly in my pants.

It seemed that no amount of eyes were good enough however, as a shape barged in from the side.

Boomdawg!

I screeched to a halt and looked up in horror. My heart sank. It was Bigburd. A tall and extrovert lady of my aquaintance for some years.

Hey Bigburd, how's things?

Even as I asked I was kicking myself. One does not ask Bigburd anything. She has this thing you see. She can't seem to talk without describing situations with extreme body actions.

Only far far worse.

What do I mean? Well...

Bigburd looked at me, her large black feathers ruffling in the gentle wind.

How's things? Hows things?

She barked indignantly, leaning back and puffing air out her lips as if blowing through a hose whilst shaking her head.

Rubbish!

That was her answer.

That's not good?

I sympathised.

Not good? Phooo, that bastard O'Donnel...

She gave two little rapid nods as if to peck seed from my face then shook her head slowly.

O'Donnel could have been anything for all I knew but I think it was her boss.

She continued.

Asked for next Friday off... He was like that.

She made a goat eating chicken face and darted from side to side before me. I think she was conveying something but as it wasn't in words I was mystified.

Ah.

I mustered in response.

And I was like that, whit?

She jumped back aggressively and splayed her arms to the sides as if inviting a fight with a seagull.

An he turnt roon, and was like that. Aw here, come on?
_{*turnt roon - To turn around. Poor mans Scottish slang}

She furrowed her brow and pushed her face close up to mine.

An I was like that, you hold on a minute, pal.

I stepped back a bit so it didn't seem like we were about to rub each others nadgers.

She smirked.

He turnt roon and was like, aye alright, calm down.

I was getting giddy with all of the people apparently spinning around in her conversation. She smirked.

So, Friday off. Bang!

She mimicked hitting an unseen something with a bat.

She stared at me with wild eyes as if I had proffered a hand and asked her to smell her maw.

Know what I mean?

She proclaimed whilst bouncing from foot to foot like a giant boxing ostrich.

Well no, I didn't really know what she meant. She had just uttered what almost seemed to be a random series of sentences interspersed with mad fighting actions. I gathered that perhaps she may have asked her boss for a day off and he had said yes.

I couldn't quite see why that was so dramatic.

So, how are you anyway?

Fucking knackered after listening to that, I felt like saying. Instead I opted for the safe way out.

Haw whit!

I bellowed, opening my arms wide as if to hug a rhino and swaying to an invisible tune.

Ma train! Catch ye!

I ran like a loon into the night.