Hot Desk
My work has been going bananas for new ways of working recently. We have had stand-ups, sit-downs, breakouts, brown-bag lunches, kanban, agile, lean and now...
Mobile.
Gone are our sturdy base units with oodles of grunt that we could run massive amounts of stuff on. Now we have zinky little laptops which look like silvery dinner trays and we are all about that Microsoft.
One of the biggest changes of going mobile is not the joy of working from some shady alleyway whilst a horde of seagulls peck sunflower seeds from your penis.
Oh no. It's hot-desking.
This week hot-desking became a real thing.
For the un-initiated, hot-desking means you don't have a desk anymore and you can just sit at any old desk with your laptop.
I like my desk. It is a good desk with a nice view. I even like my chair, which after many months of fiddly adjustments fits me like a comfortable old pair of pants.
I did not take kindly to the idea that any old todger could waltz up and pilfer either of them on a whim.
Most mornings I get in fairly early and sit and drink coffee dreaming big crypto dreams for half an hour before everyone gets in. So the hot desking has not really been an issue for me.
Today, due to a catastrophic combination of vomiting babies and daughters biting their own tongue I missed my train and was an hour late.
I hurried in with coffee in one hand and toast in the other.
I got to my desk.
There was someone sitting at it. Some contractor'y person with hair like a toilet brush.
He looked up.
Oh hey, can I help you?
He asked helpfully as if he hadn't just taken a shit in my mouth.
I towered above him.
Off the seat.
I stated as if we were old friends and he was dancing too closely with my wife.
I beg your pardon?
There was a palpable hush around us.
I took a big deep breath as if to inflate a pigs intestine with my sexy man lips.
Beat it. This is my seat. I need it today, you will have to move.
He opened his mouth to resist, I cut him off.
I mean it, beat it. Now.
He looked as if he might refuse, then the fight went out of him. Grumbling under his breath he unplugged his laptop and huffed off to another spare desk.
I ripped off a giant bit of toast in my mouth and somewhat savagely looked around.
This is MY DESK. Nobody sits at my desk.
Except me of course. Which I did.
Wow your sexy man lips 😍, but it's not nice to put them there.
The alpha male came to defend what is his
como un Venezolano @meesterboom Hey! que coño hace allí? parece de esa verga inmediatamente!
Lol, a man had to defend his stuff :0D
And of course put his sexy man lips where best!!
Of course, they have to respect what is yours.
It is better to give other use to those provocative and sexy lips. 🙈
One must fight to protect their property when the need arises. How dare he take your desk? He should be hit with a cane of yours(referring to your other great series). Upvoted!
Hehe yes, a cane would have been fitting!! :0)
Has been tried in many companies. It makes both company loyalty and productivity drop, makes project teamwork more difficult, and generally annoys the quiet types who do most of the work. They tried it in one of the companies I worked at, and all the old hands just went home again for want of a place to work. That put a stop to it really quickly.
It is hip, though, much like Scrum, even though nobody has been able to explain to me how you set up a proper software architecture using it. It does make you stand in meetings though, that must be a very fundamental thing. It is the umpteenth "method" I've seen pass by over the years on its way to the dustbin.
Sorry about that. Not funny at all, but I feel much better now.
Haha, I agree entirely with what you are saying. Every bit. It's already proving to be a disaster as I am not the only one that is insisting on keeping their desk (unofficially of course)
They keep trying lots of things and productivity is the last thing they are achieving
The easy solution is to leave an intriguing white stain on the front of your seat and a brown stain near the back of your seat. (Vanilla and Chocolate pudding might work)
Then chain the chair to the desk.
Noone wants to sit in that chair ... but they can't move that chair to bring in another.
I am definitely not a fan of hot desk. I have 15 years worth of treasures piled on my desk. If there is a famine, I can find a chocolate bar from 2005 if I really need to. There might also be a bottle of rum that's been in one of my drawers for over a decade.
That sounds awfully like my desk. When they gave us lockers and said it will be a clean feel policy I just laughed!!!
I hate stained chairs!!!
Hotdesking and flexdesks only make sense if the majority of your workforce doesn’t come in every day by default. If more than half comes in every day, the point had bean beat. Fuck management for stupid ideas. They always pull shit like this without probably even asking how the employees feel about it.
There was definitely no asking the employees. That's the mad thing, in our place it's a static workforce, everyone comes in almost every day. I can see it's doom. Or at least hope for it!
Everyone of the statics will keep going to their own spot anyways, so yeah I’d think it’s doomed from the get-go. What they should’ve done is standing desks (hydraulic) That’s what I can get behind. Gives one the choice between sitting and standing at will and is better for your body if you deskwork standing occassionaly.
I have heard of the standing thing and am quite interested in it because to be frank slouching in front of a monitor all day ain't good!
This sounds like the multinational companies that work, they do things without meaning and without consensus with anyone, you lent yourself to work and found great changes. It is for that reason that I no longer work under a dependency relationship.
Well done, dear friend @meesterboom you took from your desk to brush head.
I wish you a wonderful night
He better not be there again today. I will have murder in my heart!
You were late and seeing that someone was there was like, you know how long I had to spend sitting so that the chair would conform to my butt? To come a mop walking to fuck my work for many months, but want to run out of hair or whatever that moves your flaccid back this instant, the look so penetrating and Manly made it vanish XD lol
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do :0D
This is not very productive. I work better in my own comfy spot. Perhaps they are looking at this all wrong? They want more productivity. Didn't anyone ever tell them that a happy worker is a more productive worker?
But that's so old fashioned!! Oh no, what is very current us paying am expensive management consultancy to come in and tell you all this rubbish to do them doing it and it not working and having to pay another and so on and so on!!!
I guess your company has a lot of money to waste on unproductivity...Some older techniques do work...
The lash!! I agree!! Or maybe not as I world probably be getting it every five minutes :0)
You tell 'em, Alam-BRO! Feck det het-desk nonesense! I experienced that before, and it didn't help productivity. Not one bit. It only introduced chaos and instability. Humans need some semblance or order, otherwise, if let to our own, it'll be anarchy! For a second there, I thought he would fiddle with the chair settings before he stomped off! I would've lost it if I were in your shoes! Quite frankly, I think your shoe size is bigger than mine (a-yo!) so would literally lose whatever I'm wearing.
We do! We need that semblance of normality that knowing where you will be sitting and who you will be sitting besides brings!!
The world will end in chaos otherwise!!!!
Gah! I can't even begin to imagine a world where anyone sitting anywhere at any time would work! Madness!!
There is no order to it, chaos, chaos I tells ya!!!
Hasn't there always been? The more pertinent question is did we just adopt it, or were we born in it? Nay, molded by it?
They're trying to take away your power spot?! I would be growly and bitey too, my hubby can attest to that, no one takes my power spot!
How very dare they, I know!!!
Grr, not on my watch!!
Dump em right out of the chair if you have to!! I bet one going sprawling would keep others away!