Taker Of Souls

Lass. I've been thinking about your giant snail idea.

The Little Lady, who had up till that point been playing quite happily, snapped her head up to look at me.

Consternation clouded her eyes, as if she were a puppy hearing the phrase we'll need to get his balls chopped off soon.

Daddy... You promised, remember? We don't go back on promises. That's the family rule.

She folded her arms and looked at me smugly.

She obviously had me, there was no wiggle room for me to get out of my promise that she could infest the house with a colony of creepy giant African land snails.

There was no way out... Was there?

Oh don't you worry, darling. This Daddy-Bear keeps his promises.

I lied rather deftly.

Good, so what were you going to say?

She was only giving her half her attention now, happy in the fact that she had stamped my fingers and made me fall into the chasm of obeyment.

I am trying to find some online and I found a guy who is happy to give me a couple of albino ones. Would that be ok?

I winced even as I said it.

Giant snails are an abomination at the best of times and the albino ones are even worse, like frozen milky vomit with a shell on top.

The very idea of one sneaking into my bed and touching my nethers gave me the chills.

Oh wow, really. Can you show me what they look like?

She was awfully excited so I pulled my phone out and walloped in a quick search for giant albino snails.

Seconds later the screen filled with images of horror. Filthy beasts covered in soil and bits of green muck touching each other.

They look amazing!

Breathed my number one daughter.

Well, yes. There is one thing though.

I snapped my phone away and knelt down so I could look her straight in the eye.

You know they can breed without another snail? Like just get pregnant all by themselves?

She nodded.

Well, the guy told me that they can have a couple of hundred eggs several times a year.

The Little Lady's eyes shone at this.

I could see she was envisaging being the Queen of Snails with thousands of slimy alien-like creatures at her beck and call.

So the guy told me that you had to get rid of the eggs because obviously you can't keep hundreds of giant snails in the house...

I made a sad face at the Little Lady as if I was telling her she couldn't get a pet she had set her heart on.

We could put them in the garden?

She said hesitantly.

I shook my head.

No. You can't. They are quite destructive and it's actually against the law to let them loose like that. They would destroy the place.

We could give them away?

She offered, hope lighting up her face.

Again I shook my head.

You would never find homes for them all. You have to get rid of them.

I said with a blank finality.

What does get rid of them mean?

The Little Lady asked with a puzzle look on her face.

You pour boiling water from the kettle all over them then throw them out.

I said bluntly.

What!? You just kill them all?

I leaned back and nodded, now I was the one with the smug smile.

I could see it in my mind's eye. An ocean of souls screaming under my iron shod foot. Burning snail childs writhing in agony as I, the mighty Taker Of Souls laughed dementedly with my twin kettles of boiling mayhem.

I don't think I would like that.

The Little Lady said quietly, snapping me out of my glory dream.

Sympathetically this time, I nodded then leaned in.

Would you maybe like some tropical fish?