After the rain comes... a rainbow!

petrajordan (59)in #life • 6 years ago

I've been working hard over the last 1.5 years on getting over a guy that I dated only for a short period of time (6 weeks if at all). I knew when I met him that I was throwing myself into the fire but I was reckless - see you can get rekt also outside the crypto space ;)

I have done hundreds of Byron Katie's worksheets that help you question the truthfulness of the thoughts you believe, and flip those thoughts around to create a new and pretty much always a liberating perspective.

1.5 years later, I have made A LOT OF PROGRESS and the internal space of my mind has definitely changed. I believe that I live in a friendly universe and therefore it is in my highest good that I am not together with him now (or ever again), I have found that I have been spared all the trouble, the tears, the sleepless nights, worries and fears about when is he going to cheat on me or run away with another woman... I have once again realized that my happiness lies inside of me, in my mind and the way I look at the world, not in his presence in my life. I also realized that I 'used' him as a cure for my loneliness or that I expected him to be the gateway to meeting more people in the town I live (I have been living a pretty isolated life over the last two years, only recently it started getting better)... but as soon as our relationship fell apart, that dream crashed, too.

I could write pages and pages about everything I've learned but instead I put all that experience into writing songs, many of which will be on the upcoming album.

Yesterday, I forced myself to look at his social media (which I have unfollowed months ago) to face the reality with a 'high risk' that I would see some photos of him and his girlfriend who he has been with for about a year. A wave of hot and cold sweat and weakness washed over me as I saw their happy selfies from a recent vacation, while remembering how he referred to her in a recent conversation we had and how I wouldn't like to be the woman on his side that he refers to that way... social media reality vs real life, right?

I wonder what thoughts in my mind are still attached to wanting him back so badly??? What illusions am I still believing that hypnotize me into this trance? Is it that I'm never again going to meet a guy that I feel so attracted to and who feels equally as attracted to me but who is more settled than this erratic butterfly? Is it that I will end up having to settle for someone I'm not so crazy about or be alone? These a great thought to question!

For now, I've come to the conclusion that everything happens in its own time. And that no matter how much I try to rush it, push it and how much logic try to infuse into getting rid of the feelings I still have for him, it will just have to happen on its own time. And only after I have been able to identify the underworld of thoughts from which these feelings are sprouting.

So until then, I wish myself self-esteem so high that I may become humble.

Much love and peace to all

Petra

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