I've Got This

I am thankful that I found Steemit at this time in my life.
I've played a role for so long it's hard to understand who I am let alone write about it.
Seeing my innermost thoughts and feelings engraved into the blockchain is uncomfortable to say the least.
Seeing them on a platform where you are supposed to be rewarded for "good" content go unrewarded is painful.
It is also very freeing and is helping me realize myself.
Because I don't have to be anyone for anybody here.
I have always been a source of stability and strength for all of those around me.
My Mother is schizophrenic and as the eldest of 5 siblings I had to be a keen observer to the subtleties of her facial expressions and body movements and tone of voice to understand who I then needed to be to stabilize my and my siblings environment.
At the age of 16 I entered into a relationship that I've now been in for 24 years. This relationship turned out to be very similar.
It's hard for me not to be the rock, the stabilizer, the optimist and let free some of myself and my experiences that are and have been painful and difficult.
I am practising and at times feel naked and panicked.
I am learning everyday who I am seperate from the roles I've played.
Experiencing myself for the first time in a long time.
I'm rooting for me even if no one else is and it feels good to have my own back for once.

Sarahsayjay