Tired of playing awesome characters and having all of your friends invite you play at their tabletop RPG sessions? Want to try playing a character you actually hate? Want to play through a scenario where your character is completely miserable the ENTIRE TIME? Then I have the guide for you!

Thats right! You too can learn how to make a character so obnoxious and repugnant that you could actually lose friends for real! All in 3 easy steps!

Disclaimer: This article is meant for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not responsible for losses of friendships or worsening relationships because of the advice you take from this article.

Step #1: Decide to physically compare your character to the others at your table.

Lets say you are playing an Ork named Grump.
Grump is of muscular build, 6' 3" tall, benches almost 900 lbs strong, with striking chiseled features sharing real estate with two large tusks.

Also, his skin is bumpy with blemishes.

In this step its important to remember that you want this persona to be as miserable as possible. So when you go to describe them make sure you compare them to the other player characters at the table.

For Grump you could say ”Grump is a lanky, awkward looking monstrous Ork with a hideously tusked face that cannot possibly match the Elf’s beautiful visage. His rashy irritated skin easily makes him the least attractive member of our group”. And that will be the perfect way to make sure your character starts off miserable during their adventure. To keep your character miserable give them the belief nothing can ever change for them even if, or especially if, they truly desire it.

If a party member tries to console Grump or help him accept himself he should respond with something like, ”What do you know about it?! Stupid normie….” The more he focuses on what he lacks regarding his desires the more Grump alienates himself and slides further into misery.

Step #2: Play your character to believe that they are the worst at their job and are worthless because of it.

Using Grump as our example we can easily decide that he is a fighter and the group’s cook. His immense strength makes him effective on the battlefield and his life experience of being shunned into the wilds means he has learned to make anything edible with enough seasoning. Seems like we’ve run into some trouble here because Grump actually sounds pretty good. Not to worry! We’ll crush Grump’s spirit a little more.

Even though hes an orc, Grump’s isn’t perfect. Sometimes he misses while swinging with his giant club, sometimes he burns the party’s dinner. In order to ensure his misery, Grump must focus on these failures even if they are few and far between. Grump must always regret and resent himself for his mistakes in order to keep himself feeling miserable.

If a party member tries to compliment him on his attempts Grump should respond something like “No it was terrible, stop trying to make me feel better”. Eventually the party will change their minds even though Grump is actually competent because of his inability to accept compliments with humility. Eventually he will perpetuate and confirm his own misery causing assumptions.

Step #3: Have your character decide that life is unfair and they are a victim

So now that we have Grump feeling terrible about his appearance and his work lets have him hate the cruel hand he was dealt by fate.

If we look at Grump’s stats his strength is almost off the charts as well as his ability to perceive his surroundings. We can downplay or even eradicate these things in Grump’s mind if we take the same trick from step # 1, forcing him to compare himself to others, and then adding on the belief that the world is against him because he isn't able to do certain things as well as others. You can convince him that it isn't fair his hands are too large to properly hold a bow like the Ranger can. Make sure he believes that his mind should be able to solve complex riddles like the Wizard’s otherwise the world just didn't want him to do it because it hates him.

In order to become even more miserable Grump must believe that the differences between himself and others are proof that reality is making him a victim.

Just follow these 3 easy steps and you’ll be well on your way to a horrible tabletop RPG experience!

Under no circumstances is it recommended that you use any part of this guide to create a character for any tabletop game. Using this guide could potentially ruin friendships and relationships with significant others as they wont be able to look you in the eyes anymore. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Orc Bro:

https://www.nexusmods.com/skyrim/images/286867/?page=1&sort=DESC&pid=0&thread_id=1088029