Fear to be

The scream ripped through the fog of delusion and delivered reality in all its terrible glory. Very little scares me. Very few things fill my mind and heart with dread, except this point. And every moment since.

That sound that drove a stake through my soul and created a wound of which will remain open forever, would never heal, never scab over and scar, it would be raw always. A tearing of illusion that took away all I was and replaced it in an instant with somebody I did not know, someone I cannot trust.

All that I had been violently snatched from me, a life stolen in the blink of an eye by something that did not know what it was doing. Or did it? Life's longing for itself, manipulating to infect my mind, infect my heart, force me into caring for something I was yet to understand. Force me into being something I did not understand or know if I could be. Some say it is difficult to change, I beg to differ. It just takes the right environment and a catalyst to ignite destruction.

Dropped into a world where I am not me and I do not know where I am but must act as a foreigner without knowledge, no guide, no pathway to follow. Alone in a land where every corner brings new pains, every face gets filled with potential horror and threat.

I put my finger into the open wound and press, feel the pain wash over me and absorb all I can. Since that point, I have spent my time learning working, pushing, developing and trying to work out just who this is that has replaced who I was. For I must know him to protect her, and I fear I am failing. Always failing.

Fear drives objective sanity over the brink and cascading into a void of monsters and demons, the ones that live inside awaiting thebreaking of their bonds, their chance to escape and run rampant. I must tie them down, I must bind them, I must not let them gain access. Force them into submission. Kill them.

That scream delivered responsibility, a promise to do all I can, bear all I can. A binding contract to place the body of whoever now occupies me in the way of harm and be punished and tortured daily if that is what it takes. I have learned I can do a lot, carry a lot, absorb it all.

What I must learn is that her life is her own, her mind, body and spirit is hers to use as she chooses, I have no jurisdiction there. I am a guide, a support, a shoulder but at some point, no matter what I do or how much I try, she will be on her own and I can do no more. From the moment her voice first rang and for every one since, I will live with the fear that I have not done enough.

And that scares me.

Taraz
[ an original ]