What is this feeling bothering me..

Do you wonder what is this feeling bothering me, making me feel insecure, breaking my self confidence, what am I afraid of? The past, the future? what is this mixed feeling of pain and fear that I cannot control, where is it coming from, why is it coming? What is this urge that I have to do something and I am not doing it? Maybe I am creating it, maybe they are just my thoughts, maybe they are not real, maybe it’s just my imagination or anticipation, but they must be real because I am experiencing them as something real. Maybe my thoughts are creating my emotions, and since I cannot control my thoughts I am not able to control my emotions, my mood swings have become erratic. I admit I am out of control sometimes, I need to understand what is going on with me. I want my life to be a pleasant experience, I need to understand my pain, I feel alone, I feel afraid, I feel isolated, I am just pretending to be ok, but I am not, I am tired. I am aware I’m not doing well. Keeping myself busy, overworking, traveling, drinking and all the rest, I am just running away of my problem, I am running away from myself. How did I even get here? I need help. I need a solution, why am I even existing? what is the purpose of my life?

What is the purpose of life? A question that arises within us when we lose the passion and intensity in our daily life. 

With our limited knowledge we try to associate a meaning to life and start believing in it. 

Some believe the purpose is forming a family, some believe it is making enough money, some believe it is love, some in higher education, others in powerful positions, or anything that makes you feel growing. 

But before believing in anything we have to know what to believe is! 

To believe means to say yes to something that we aren't sure of. We may feel it's right,  we may think it's right, we might see the majority doing the same, but whatever the case deep down within us we really don't know.  

The moment we believe in something and build our life around it we start rejecting any idea that is not congruent with it, because if we do our life will crumble. Once our belief is set our likes and dislikes are start to grow. If someone doesn't like your ideas you will dislike him/her and when they agree with you, you will like them. 

The intellect is a tool that differentiates things, it works around what you already know. For example, you cannot know what a day is without knowing what a night is, the intellect only functions in the realm of duality. Beautiful and ugly, good and bad, pain and pleasure, fast and slow and so on. The intellect compares things based on what you already know.  

Most of the things that you know you have gathered them as you grow up, when you were a child you were joyful as you are, just look at kids around you, they are happy until somebody makes them unhappy, unlike you, you need someone or something to make you happy. 

How did this happen? It's because you have gathered information from your parents and teachers and friends according to their beliefs and you have glued ideas or things or people to yourself and started to feel heavy carrying them all. 

When you are born in any family, you consider it as a part of you, or an extension of you, whatever their beliefs it is feels right for you, at least in the beginning. If you were born a Christian family you will believe Jesus is right, if you were born a Muslim family you will believe Mohamad is right, if a Buddhist family, then Buddha is right and so on. Now you have made your religion a part of you, you are identified with it, anything against your religion has become against you. Then comes your nationality, anything against your nationality is against you. Then your education sets in, then your job and you start forming your own beliefs within these limits. You believe you are becoming part of something bigger but actually your freedom is decreasing gradually. Until you find a small circle where you have no trouble with anybody and as long as you are living a trouble free life you will settle for it, and for most people, social media will be their major outlet. Where they can experience some freedom. 

However, after some time the social pressure will feel heavier and your stress levels become higher. 

Now, anything you weren't anticipating will have a toll on you. Any small thing that disturbs you will trigger your temper. You are living in such a small routine cycle that small things in it start looking big. Your vision has been distorted, your perspectives have become out of proportion. Stress, anxiety, suffering, and depression are inevitable. You have divided the world so much that you have even divided yourself into thoughts and emotions. You have become half alive and half alive is being half dead. 

What should be done? What is the solution to get out of this psychological drama that hits you hard from time to time if not all the time? 

You are where your attention is. Be in the moment, the present, the now. The more you are in the now the more effective you will be. Whenever an idea is bothering you immediately withdraw your emotions from it. The less emotions you give to an idea the less intense it's effect will be on you.  

Thoughts will keep popping in your mind like balloons, to relax you will either have to blow them up, which gets tiring, or just watch them disappear in the sky. Thoughts cannot survive if you don't feed them with your emotions. 

If you believe you are too attached to withdraw your emotions from a thought or event that is bothering you, be sure that you can do it. We are born alone and we will die alone, the rest is just in between.  

So if you care about yourself and your well being you should try something that will work for you. If you are ready for a transformation that will enrich your experience of life the now is a right place to be.  

To feel better and to become better are very different things. If you want to build muscles you will have to endure the pain of lifting the weights. When you went to school you endured the pain of waking up so early and getting out of your warm bed on a rainy day. To progress, effort and endurance are needed. Sadly, nobody can get better by just feeling better all the time.  

The more you are in the now, the closer you will be to life, and the closer you are to life the clearer you will see it’s purpose or it's purposelessness.