Figuring Out Life While Becoming A First Time Mother

Hello Steemit Community,

It's pretty early for me, it's around 4:30am as I am writing this but I just some how can't fall back asleep.  I have tons on my mind and it's difficult right now to wrap my head around it all.  Let me start off by saying, life has not been easy for me at all. I grew up with a lot of personal/family issues and it resulted to a lot of poor decisions in my life. I was lost for the majority part, not knowing what to do or even where to go in life.  I was confused and not having a strong support system, made it difficult to figure some things out on my own.  I've made many poor decisions in my life that resulted to passing many great opportunities and not accomplishing my goals and dreams.  Each month, each year, I kept digging myself into this deeper hole of confusion because there was so much I wanted to do in life but didn't know where to start or how to begin.  I also didn't have the resources that I needed at the time, nor any friends or family that I was able to go to, to help dig me out of this hole that I was in and I didn't expect anyone to. It was soley my responsibility and I had to own up to my mistakes. At first, I did blame others, such as my mom, for placing me in the position that I had blamed her for but as I matured, I realized that I had put myself in that position.  She was young when she had me and I was her first child.  She did the best that she could of the way she thought she knew how to raise a child, so I can't blame her.  I can only blame myself for the mistakes that I've made but now that I am at the age of 25, I have fully matured and found so much growth and potential in myself.  These past 2-3 years, I've been working every day for better growth, more positive days, and financial freedom.  Until this day, I think about how I wasted so many years of my life throwing away money and time instead of opening my own business and getting my life together all because I didn't know what to do with my life at the time.  I felt like I didn't have proper guidance as I was growing up and I was surrounded by many bad influences.  I disappointed myself time and time after again by still making the same mistakes.  Every night, I constantly cried, like why, why is this happening to me.  Why do I keep making poor decisions when I know what is the right thing I need to do, but for some reason, I just kept making poor decisions as if it was hereditary.  

Thankfully, for the past 2 years now, I got myself back in school and plan on completing my Bachelor's in Human Resource and minoring in psychology and although it was not planned, I now have my daughter who is soon to be 1 years old.  The only difficult thing about it is that I am still figuring life out. As I am growing into a better me, I am still not fixed into that better me just yet. I find it truly a blessing to be blessed to be able to have a child but how can I bring a child into this world without being financially ready.  I don't believe in abortions so that was not my option to take. I don't regret one bit on having my daughter but I find myself crying many times a night figuring out why I made the decisions I made and now my daughter has to suffer with me along the way of my pain.  I try so hard to hide my tears and although she is young, she is a genius!  She knows when her mommy is upset or crying and that is something I no longer want her to see.  My prayers are always concerning that my mistakes will never effect my daughter because she deserves nothing but the best.  She didn't ask to be in this world and now it's my time to make the best of it and do everything that I can in order to give her the best of life.

I don't talk much openly about my personal life but I felt the need to vent this morning and get a lot off my chest that I've been holding for some time but I must say it is hard.  The hardest part is waking up each morning as she is looking at me smiling waiting for me to wake, and as I look back at her with joy, I still feel my soul is in pain.  All I can do is remain strong.  Whoever decides to read this, I appreciate you for taking the time to do so.  I ask that you send prayers up for my family and I to get through whatever it is.  Many people go through different obstacles in life and this is mine.  Each day I am seeking for growth and ways to better my life for my daughter so please don't judge me for my past mistakes.  I know what I could of done but now the focus is what I need to do now.