Sunday 31/5/2020

The best thing about Steemit is that content is semi-permanent. The worst thing about Steemit is that content is semi-permanent. That said, I would like to state my intention to begin posting once a day. I've never kept a diary before, but I've been thinking that perhaps I should have. Given how my mind has been going in circles for over 10 years now. Let me start with the basic. I'm back to living with my parents to save money because I fucked up my investments. My health is still fucked up. My poor health is why I didn't make any meaningful connections at university, although I did get good grades—butt I had to work for them. I've had a lot of bad luck. I'm still not free because I don't have enough money. I still think everyday how much better my life would have been if I had been born a girl—if everything else was similar. You see, I was—am interested in singing and dancing. If I had been born female I would have almost certainly aimed to be an 'idol.' If I had had the option at 12 to do HRT and become a Newhalf, I probably would have. The major thing that might have held me back—if my family had been supportive—is my desire to have children. If my parents had been accepting of me from the beginning, I would certainly have been a musician. I've been suppressing my 'wrong' opinions and 'wrong' nature from the age of 10 and earlier. Part of that 'wrong' nature has been my ability and desire to sing with my feminine voice. I can also sing in a masculine voice, and for a long time I tried just doing that, but inevitably having to suppress myself suffocated me and forced me to quit the serious pursuit of music. If my parents had accepted me as I was, perhaps I would have been content to remain 'male,' although I would have had an interest in crossdressing/'trapping' as a hobby regardless given my 'two-spirit' nature. I couldn't sing freely at university, and I can't sing freely at 'home.' Although, because of my history of failure, and to avoid auto-suicide, I now allow myself to sing with my feminine voice when I first wake up in the morning as a compromise. In the past I couldn't have imagined doing this, I would have chosen death first. Naturally my family is now more or less aware of the fact that I am not a normal male. Butt so far they have not pushed the issue, and neither have I. I plan to leave 'home' permanently once I get a Master's degree, butt until then I've decided to 'enjoy' these last few years with my birth family as best I can. To do this, I've decided to push all of my hate onto my Father. As he has always been the leader of the family—I blame him and his religion for the vast majority of my suffering. However, although—on balance—I hate my Father enough to want to strangle him with my bare hands, I have decided not to truely express this hate. Doing so would do me only further harm. My mother is the only family member I really wanted to see again, and I didn't want to harbour any hate for her so I've 'transferred' my hate entirely onto my Father. Thus I have decided to shower my Mother with love—while not crossing the line—to the exclusion of my father and brothers. Perhaps this is also one acceptable way I can express my hate for my Father... needless to say, I need to find someone that I can love and accept who will do the same for me. I have never had such a person... This as well as self-expression as my deepest heart's desire. There is one other desire I have— Children. That is, I want to have children with females I find (at least physically) attractive. Not only that, I want to have more children than I could have if I was born female. In fact, in my mind, this is the only benefit of being male—the ability to have a great number of children. To do this, however, I must become significantly more attractive (to females) myself. This basically comes down to improving my appearance/fitness, money, and most importantly power. Power is relative. What this means is that I must be the most 'powerful' in each 'frame' around the females I want to conquer. Females are primarily attracted to power, and males are primarily attracted to physically appearance. Anyway... all this is far easier said than done. Critically, I need: status, free time, and females present I am interested in... all to be present at the same time. At university interesting females were present (although rarely in my classes) and I had sufficient status in certain circumstances if I played it right... butt I had no free time. At 'home' I have free time (although not as much as you might expect because of my fucked up health) but I have no status and there are no interesting females present... You know, I didn't think I had this much to say. On the other hand, I've though and/or talked about this stuff over and over again for a decade at least. I have come to believe that my challenge in life is to overcome and transcend my circumstances. Ultimately, my goal is the creation of a new society for my decedents.

Love Voxxe~