Cancer and catharsis...

A few days ago I alluded to a life-challenge my wife and I are facing currently although didn’t elaborate much other than to say ”neither of us are directly in peril”. I thought I'd elaborate a little in this post, more just to get the thoughts out of my head than anything else I guess.

We got home from Europe a week ago and my mother-in-law asked if we would be able to take her to the hospital as some tests were required. Naturally my wife was immediately concerned and as it turns out she was right to be; My mother in law has been advised by the doctors that she has a serious form of cancer.

Faith and I are not strangers to cancer as we have both lost a parent to the illness; My mum passed away at 59 years old in 2004 and Faith's father at 33 years old in 1982 when Faith was just 11 years old herself. Both situations were incredibly tragic of course, as always, and whilst life moves forward we never forget the pain and suffering our parents went through or our own for that matter.

I never met my wife’s father although he was a tenacious man, a battler and above all else doted on his daughter and only child, Faith. Despite the intense pain he clung fiercely to life being reluctant to leave her fatherless however inevitably the struggle had to end. My wife, at 11 years old, stood beside her father’s hospital bed and with his hand in hers told him it was ok for him to go and that she would be ok. She told him she’d miss him every second of her life and yet she wanted him to stop being in pain all the time. He was unable to speak however he smiled slightly and his body sort of relaxed as he fell asleep. My wife stayed a little while and then was coaxed to leave. It was the last time she saw her father alive as he passed on that evening, only two hours later.

I was told that story by my mother in law many years ago which helped me understand my wife a little better. She still wakes in tears sometimes after dreaming about her dad and it breaks my heart. Now she faces more tragedy as if she hasn’t faced enough.

When her father passed away her mum had to work very hard to provide for the both of them and they had little more than a roof over their heads and, after the bills and expenses, only a little left over for food and clothing. There was no luxury in their lives, in fact some of the basics of life were indeed luxuries for them. As often happens in cases like this friends seemed to drift away and before long they were left with only a couple of stalwart friends, and of course some family to offer them some moral support. It was a terribly difficult time for them both.

My wife ended up leaving school to attend hairdressing trade school and her mum found the means to put her through school, purchase the appropriate clothing and equipment and make ends meet at home. Faith eventually started a part-time job part time when studying and she recalls coming home after her first week at work to hand her pay to her mum to help with the bills. Of course her mum refused telling Faith that she had earned it and it was hers to do with what she wanted. Faith took her mum out for dinner with some of it as a small celebration of her first week at work…A luxury they had not been able to afford for a long time. I think about the two of them sitting there at dinner and it makes me so sad, yet also happy to know my wife was such a strong person at only 15 years old!

I met my wife when she was a couple weeks away from turning 16 and I was 17 and a half. She was a beautiful teenager, stunning in fact, and I was immediately smitten. She smiled and laughed and would shyly look at me with her large brown eyes framed by her long blonde hair and when she did my heart melted with love. We have been together ever since, have faced many good, and bad, moments side by side, and have supported each other with respect and fierce strength and loyalty. It is that same strength we will need to face this new challenge however when I look at my wife right now she looks afraid, uncertain and very stressed, not broken, but breaking. It breaks my heart because there is little I can do but "be here" for her in some small capacity.

Throughout the 31 years Faith and I have been together I have worked hard to ensure she has what she wants, which is generally only what she needs. She is not materialistic and my upbringing was rather modest as far as money goes as well so we don’t feel much need to furnish ourselves with a great deal more than what we really need. This time however I cannot provide what she needs or wants. Her mum’s recovery.

Faith’s focus is firmly on her mum right now and she has taken steps to ensure she has the time and flexibility to be available as required. She also runs our business, which will probably suffer throughout this troubled time, however I support her decisions and would never question her motivation to be a hundred percent supportive to her mum. Faith has been of immeasurable support to me throughout my mum’s terminal cancer journey, a terrible time I had with an ex-business-partner, has supported my family (younger brothers and sister) throughout their childhoods and has been the voice of reason, my greatest supporter, advocate and my best friend. I want to make this right for her, but I don’t know how.

I’ve said this on other occasions but will do so again, I am not sure I know what to do right now. In truth I don’t know if there’s much I could do other than pick up some of the slack at home and give her the ability to focus more on her mum. This will be a difficult time for the both of us but more for her. She is already drained, emotionally and physically, and her brow is constantly lined with worry. Her mum has a follow-up appointment on Tuesday this week and we hope to hear the cancer hasn’t spread although we both know the news may not be favourable.

Wishes count for nothing in life, I’m abundantly aware of that, however if they did I’d wish for my wife to suffer no more pain or heartache; She’s had enough throughout her early life struggling to cope with her dad’s illness and then with her mum to make ends meet. It breaks my heart to think of what it must have been like for them all those years ago, the tears she’s shed, the things she has missed out on, and now here we are facing another scenario that will tear her apart all over again. I feel pretty helpless and angry to be honest. I don’t know if that’s normal, the anger part I mean.

So far we have kept this thing pretty quiet, just between the three of us. I mentioned it on steemit a couple of days ago and have had some messages of support, which is nice. I write about it now as it helps me to think things through and to clarify my own thoughts and feelings. I know I need to be supportive and will need strength of my own to do so for my wife and mother-in-law as well. After so many years together Faith and I know each other pretty well but this is uncharted territory for me and I'm feeling a little lost to be completely honest.

OK, so that’s pretty much all I have for now. This post probably reads as quite depressed which is how I feel however it feels a little better to write the words, somewhat cathartic. Thanks for reading through if you managed to get this far.

GalenKP