Full letter

Dear, Gabriela

I just want to let you know that this is going to be very long, but you must understand the pain and suffering i went through. 

Alright then I shall start from the very begining.

When we broke up; 05/06/09, my heart turned inside out and i couldnt think anymore, it was that much of a shock to me.

In one split second, the army, my family, work, friends, and you , my girlfriend whom i adored so dearly reconciled away from me.

I wasnt whom i thought i was anymore, and it completely changed my whole life.

After you said "its over"..i didnt feel like talking with anyone, nor eating, playing, going out, or even smileing for a fact.

All i could think of when i was in army was you, i thought about all i've said and what you've said. Slowly but surely i started to get my mind back and on one day i understood

how deep the pain i've made you to feel was, that it haunted me over and over again. I always tried to find the right words in order for me to explain to you that, i realize how wrong i've been about you

how sorry i am for that, and how much i want you back. I just could never find the right words and every attempt of mine just made the matters worst.

I never once thought about any one else; as a matter of fact not even myself, my heart would just beat your name in my head, and thats all i could think of, Gabriela..

I wanted to come just to talk and explain to you, about all that i am going to be writing to you now.

I am realizing, what is right and what is wrong, i am very sorry to have made you feel in such a terrible way.

It took three months for me to get out of army. I loved the army; had a ton of friends, and felt more comfortable in the army rather than being at home.

The army cared about me so much, that i had to try countless times just to get out, and make my way to you...

My commander always said to me that i am his favorite soldier and ive been proud of it.. But then his favorite soldier stoped to perform the orders,

didnt speak with the other soldiers, sat alone in the night, looked to the dark sky at night.. The Commander told me if i will continue to act this way,

ill have to leave my duty, he called my mom to ask how the situation is when im at home on the weekends, she describes to him that im exactly the way at home as i am in army.. Three months passed

by and nothing changed... And on september the 1st, i had to pack my bag , take all documents and leave the base... I felt preety sad to leave the base, after all

i had only 10 months left to finish my duty.

One week later i had resumed my old job, the a newspaper factory; "Yadiot Ahronot". I worked 12 hours a day, five days a week, the work wasnt so hard; had to stack boxes of newspapers on a track.

Sometimes we had to wait for the track preety long time. In my free time i planned my flight to Romania, I told my mother about my plan

She refused to understand and accept the fact of why i am flying to romania and my sudden mood swing. My brother and his girlfriend were spending all day toghether.. so we barely talked..and friends.. Well

i saw them once in two or three weeks cause most of them were still in the army. One day me and my mother had erupted once again in another argument, and before the argument i was very angry and sad, so i couldnt

take it anymore and decided to leave my home and never ever come back.. I felt like dying when i stepped outside of my building,

all i had with me was just huge bag full of clothes, and thoughts of you in my head, my heart. I sat in the park with nothing to live for but you, and so i planned my flight to romania in half a day, thought about the hotel

that i will stay in, all of this took basically all of my money, and time. The endless days of thoughts running through my mind about how i can explain to you why i came to you in an understandable manner.

I can never forget these days, ever in my whole life.. That night i slept outside in the same park, just me and the stars above me.

The two days following that night, i slept inside the building's lobby

this is because it was rainy outside. It was so cold that i couldnt handle this and in fear of getting a fever, i called my sister, told her and explained to her everything

She invited me to live with her for sometime, this in my situation was very helpful.

I spent everynight at work , and in mornings, i took Jessi to kindergarten then came back and fell a sleep, that is how my days went back then..

Sometimes when it was rainy i liked to sit infront of the window, watch it rain and just think of you.

My sister showed me the Romanian embassy in Tel aviv. I got all the information that i needed from there. Every weekend me and my sister were talking

about you. Time went by so slow for me, and i had no contact with you, 27 days from the day i left my house, my mother called me and told me she wanted to talk with me

I came home and we had a long conversation without any arguments. She said that she missed me and wanted to come back.. I accepted my mothers apology, thanked my sister for

everything she's done for me, took all my stuff and once again came home..

After a few weeks i got in touch with you again, and for a change i started to laugh and smile, but i didnt want you to think of my visit too much, because you had

your exams at the time.. understanding the circumstances i told my self i will tell you about it after your exams had concluded. I really didnt want to sacrifice my only contact

with you, which i had nearly gained. I bought the ticket to Bucharest, found the hotel through my flight company, packaged all my warm clothes, and made a new passport since mine was out of date.

I knew that you never saw any of the pictures i drew, so i decided to make something for you, i thought that if i drew a portrait of you, it would make you happy, considering you liked the portrait.

I bought a card for Christmas, the big white bear soft toy, red box with " I love you " written on it, with beautiful plastic flowers inside. I thought a lot of

how everything will turn out. One day however, before the flight i emailed you a letter, and in that letter i stated, i am gonna be at Bucharest and that i really wanted to meet you

and talk about things between us. I Hoped that you will accept it and give me a chance to explain myself, because i had finally arranged to meet with you. I didnt expect any more

then a short conversation. When i got your answer, i was shocked. Soo sad that when i tryed to shut down the computer a picture of you on my wallpaper just stared at me, i

looked into your eyes and said to myself, "These eyes in real life, i shall never see..."

Next day with my heart filled with disappointment, i took everything with me that was prepared for the flight and made my way to the train station, i took the train

to the airoport... After registration i had to wait about 2 hours for the plane, so i ate something and started a conversation with a very nice guy

He told me a little about burcharest such as the weather and how cold it can get. Inside the plane i sat with an old couple. The Last twenty minutes of the flight i've talked to them..

The old woman asked me what im gonna do in Bucharest, i simply replyed "I am flying to burcharest to meet up with a particular girl, that i like".

"She must be lucky to have a guy like you", she said to me... "I feel lucky to have her, she could of had any guy she wanted but instead she chose me..", I smiled to her..After the plane had touched Romanian soil

the old man mistaken his bag for mine and took it..He was about to leave the plane with my bag and then i stopped him and made him aware of the fact..

He thanked me and left. There i was on a quest to meet the girl of my dreams, and the first thing that hits me when i land is the cold tempreture and the wind,

I took a taxi to the hotel, and left the airoport; "Otope".

Everyone around me were speaking romanian, it was hard to find people who understood english,

i went to the currency exchange store near the hotel; "Ramada Park", and bough Lei.

Its beautiful and clean hotel, i gave the reservation and got the card for my room. I left my things at the hotel

and took a long walk around the place; it was 10pm.

After few hours of walking i came back to the hotel and took a bath, fell on the bed and thought about the next day. I thought that if i wasnt able to see you, that

i'd leave the presents in front of your apartment door,and seeing them would just make you happy. The next day i woke up early, took everything and made my way

to Buzau..I asked people which bus can take me to the train station, one person showed me the way to metro, and from there i had to take a train which lead me to Bucharest

train station, i bought warm gloves along the way; because my hands were freezing, and i couldnt feel them. Few minutes later when i was about to buy the ticket to BuZau..

I found out that i forgot your adress; i had it written in my notebook which i had left at the hotel. I was devistated because i had wasted more than 5 hours

just getting there, and out of nervousness and happiness had forgot your adress at the hotel. I smiled and left back to the hotel..

Dont get me wrong, i always remembered your address but back then my head was so messed.. so i forgot it.

I took the same route once again, it was around 6:00pm when i was in the train to Buzau and at 8pm i arrived. It was really cold Outside

that i was shivering like a mad man, heh, i honestly couldnt even talk. Despite extreme conditions, I asked lots of people where the bus station was, because i couldnt seem find one.. some one told me

to follow him to his car.. He didnt know english at all, so i used my romanian dictionary to explain to him.. I Told him the street and the block,

he told me that this block doesnt exist on this street, but i insisted that this was indeed the correct adress. He later invited me in his car, and we traveled around several blocks to find the adress

His wife was waiting for him at home, as time passed he later stopped by his place to let his wife know about the situation i was in..

He later left his house and his wife was with him, i guess she wanted to tag along with us on this journey..

After a short time We found the place.I had spend 40 minutes outside waiting and calling upon anyone in your building to come and open the door and answer, but i didnt seem to get any reply, as much as i tryed. It was really cold and late that i had to

make my way back to Bucharest. I Took a train back, and along the way, i had a little fight with a guy on the train... but never mind about that. It was soo cold for me that i could barely feel

my feet through my thin shoes. I couldnt, walk to I took the taxi back to the hotel. As soon as i stepped into my room, i had no energy within me, but for some reason i still couldnt sleep well..

Third day i spent walking all over Bucharest, seeing the capital of Romania, saw 3 universities but didnt know if one of them is the one you were studying at.

I was fasinated to be able to see snow, everything around me was so white and beutiful, I havent seen snow for nine years..All in all i seen a lot of places and met friendly and nice people,

but i could care less they meant nothing to me, all i could think of was you.. Often i would spot a girl with beutiful hair like yours and i would look closely with hope that it would be you..

But it never happened, my eyes deceived me everytime.

On the way back i stopped at a place to drink abit of wiskey to get my self warm. The very next day was the day i came to see you and infact saw you with my very own eyes,

And all this time i thought you've been living in Bucharest with your uncle.

This morning was just wonderful, i took a bag with some of my stuff, and rest of the money that i had and went to the bus station.. I didnt notice that i havent eaten or drank anything for the past few days ..

I caught up with the bus which lead me to the train station and this time i knew for sure where to get off.. Waited around 2 hours for the train and asked a someone how many stations

i will need to pass until i reach Buzau.. she told me "Five stations". The train was full and i just waited for the 5th station... couple of hours later i got off exactly on the

5th station.. come to my surprise all i saw was a small village. The policeman that was standing near the ticket shop told me i had to get off on the 4th station

from Bucharest.. he also said that the train to Buzau will be in five hours. He told me to wait, 20 minutes later, this policeman came back

and said that theres a chance for a "Maxi Taxi" that will come soon, and so i waited. I reached Buzau.. and everyone around didnt understand a thing i was speaking..

And a "Maxi Taxi" driver couldnt help me eaither..some woman told me she know's the street and she will show me the adress.. hours passed so fast and soon it was night.

When we got off she told me the direction i would need to walk ... So i followed her advice.. but found nothing... and again i asked people on the street, but no one understood me, or showed me the correct location.

I saw two policemen, and so i asked them if they knew where i could find this place. They told me to follow them. I was really happy to hear this from someone after countless trys

He didnt speak english very well so i opened my bag to get the Romanian dictionary out, as i digge in for the dictionary, i noticed that i forgot the card , the box, and the soft toy

all back in the hotel. I completely forgot to put them back into my bagpack after the second day.. I honestly wanted to kill myself, i forgot what i thought woulda been special to you back at the hotel.

Anyway it was preety late and i had not much money left .. however i had the portrait i had made of you, the policeman showed me the flower store

and i ofcourse bought some flowers with all the money i had left.. When we found your building , i've thanked the policeman and he left..

You really dont understand how terrifying it is to be in foreign country, tempreture conditions i am really not use to, knowing that im not gonna see you, standing in front of lobby door wating for 40 mins for someone to open the god damn door

thoughts runing through my mind that i will never see you, and wondering weather i should leave the flowers and portrait of you infront of the door and once again leave. I thought to myself no.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?..

Suddenly, I heard steps behind me turned around only to see your mother before my very eyes, it was so unexpected.. and i started to get very excited, i saw your father walking and then i saw you...

Words cannot even describe of how i felt at this moment.. I looked in your eyes, i still remember your look.. and from that point everything that i had been through in the past year, was worth it just because i got to see you..

I was so excited... i couldnt believe it was you before my very eyes, i blinked a couple of times and.. you left, i was standing near the elevator all shocked..

I didnt know what should i do, you didnt say a word, you went away so fast and i know how unexpected this was for you, because it was unexpected for me as well..

I Was sure you wouldnt come back, when i saw you run off in that manner.. I gently said hello to your parents, wished them a Merry Christmas with a smile.. Your father smiled to me aswell and said , "well hello,

If you dont mind open the elevator door for us".. So i did

He invited me to take the next elevator and to talk in your apartment.. and so i agreed..I was standing all shocked, and all i could think in my head was, what just happned?..

I knew how upon me entering your apartment and having a conversation with your parents will affect on you.. Even though it was what i came here for... I stood on the stairs that lead to your apartment door.

all of a sudden, tears started to come down my face, i came such a long way, only for this moment, and i was here now, standing infront of the door of a girl whom i love so much, she is inside

and all i can do is just turn and walk away, for her sake. I was about to go, your father saw me walking downstairs, So he told me, come with me. We went to the place near your building

It was Some kind of a coffee bar, he invited me for a cup of coffee, we sat and started to talk. I told him that im from Israel, about my army, about the work, and my exams in the next year

Told him that we met through the internet, meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control..the cold got to me and i started to tremble..

your father supported me, told me to relax and that everything will be ok...

He was so friendly and nice to me... I felt so comfortable talking to him, i tried to display the best of myself as much as i could..He told me that he heard about me a year ago

I told him that i've hurt you and came to apologyze.. I said, i didnt need much , i just wanted to tell her that im sorry for how i made her feel. This time you called him

and didnt want him to talk to me ..and he said to me before he left " Mark, you seem like a nice guy, but you need to live a real life.. And if she doesnt want to forgive you , you just move on..

I thanked your father, wished him Marry Christmas and gave him the flowers and pictures for him to give to you. We shook hands, and i headed to the train station.

On my way there, i thought about what just happend, what i could to change the situation and make us see each other more, or talk... I didnt know everything

will turn out this way..However the next day i took the plane back to Israel. this is how it ends. Sorry that i pulled you into this situation back then. It was foolish of me.

All i meant came to say was Sorry from the buttom of my heart. I hope we both learned a lesson from this story.

I went through all this just for you .

Anyways, ill be glad to hear an answer from you, but please do remember misconception and misunderstanding between us, got us into this mess and all i want is for us to get out of this.

from Mark