On independence and anxiety

To say we have the best kindergarten would be a massive understatement. Well, I say ''our'' but it's my kids' kindergarten, even tho we think of it as an extension of our home. My kids even say they ''live'' there during the day. They are there for about 6 to 7 hours and that makes me appreciate the quality of care and education they get there even more. They have learned so much, not just intellectually but they gained new skills when it comes to caring for themselves, like zipping their jacket for example. And great social skills, especially in regards to following the rules and resolving conflicts. But there is one thing I really dread when it comes to kindergarten: The teacher-parent meetings. They are horrifying to me. Not that my kids are problematic or that the teacher is scary (she's not, she is great) but the notion of being in the room with other parents freaks me out. I know they are all nice people and I know nobody of them blinks twice in my direction but my social anxiety just kicks in, big time, and I have a huge panic attack. But I decided that I will not skip these kinds of events (that much) anymore. I'll make that my New Year Resolution #10. To fight my anxiety by staring it straight in the eye. I kind of started doing that last year when my kids started sports. And we had a meeting yesterday. I went, I sat there, I freaked out. Like a boss.

So, first stop kid's sport...next stop parent-teacher meetings...I think the third would be weddings. Many folks at one place. Freaks me out. That's the reason I had a minny wedding of my own, at least to Balkan standards. I had like zero aunts and uncles there. Božesačuvaj.
Back to our awesome kindergarten. Last year, when I ran from the parent-teacher meetings like the plague, my husband went and brought home tons of useful information about helping the kids to become more independent and responsible. I'll use that information as the framework for this post. We are the kinds of parents that grow with the kids. We admit to being total newbies when it comes to parenting and we can never learn enough. We are always opened to new information and ask for help if we don't know how to resolve a situation with our kids.

So, as I wrote the other day, my main goal when minimizing stuff in the kids' room was to make it so that they can easily clean up after themselves. I find that to be one of the best skills an adult can have. A sense of neatness and picking up after themselves. It's also a great way to give the children some responsibility, which is important for their socio-emotional development and independence. Just yesterday my husband told my girls ''Your grampa looked after sheep when he was your age.'' And while I am not keen on sending them off '' U polje'' stuff like letting them use the knife or giving them assignments during cooking or at least yelling ''No!'' and ''Be careful!'' less often and encourage risk-taking would be nice. My wish is to see them climb trees. And this may seem trivial and dumb but that is a big thing for me, a thing I hope they'll do by the end of the year.

What are some ways we, as parents and/or caregivers, can help to encourage their independence?

We should, for starters, be consistent in reaffirming their obligations and by doing that, their work ethics. We wrote some choirs on a paper and put them on the fridge door. I oriented my self by the Maria Montessori chart for kids, as well as my own observations on their abilities, and taking their affinities into consideration.
Let the kid learn from his mistakes. If we are overprotecting our children we are actually not doing them a favor. Or as we Croats would say we are doing them ''Medvjeđu uslugu''. I try to tell them as often as I have a chance that the way folks got so far along is through making mistakes. I ask ''What is the worst that can happen when you screw up?'' and the answer is to learn from the mistake. And then my kids say ''but that's not bad!'' and I'm like, my point exactly.

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I love this piece from The Atlantic about amazing parents who raise depressed kids. It elaborates why we have to let our kids suffer. It's easy to go overboard in trying to make life great for kids. Especially for those of us who had bad childhoods themselves. But as Lori Gottlieb brilliantly explains in her peace, if we don't let them struggle they will not learn to get the mechanisms they need for dealing with stuff later on in life. Could I do more about this? Shure.For example, I tend to micromanage the mornings so the going-to-school part would go as smoothly as possible. But I'm getting there.

If we tend to do stuff instead of our kids they lose interest in doing it for themselves. If the kids do stuff by themselves it makes them more confident in their abilities and gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment. This part can actually be pretty hard for parents, especially ones whose kids are as stubborn, on one side, or as slow and distracted on the other like mine are. It just takes so much time, and frankly patience, and we are always in a rush to get somewhere.
I've come to realize that it is better for the kids to slow down and make more time for doing stuff slowly or at their own pace. I've mentioned a great article at the end of my minimizing post from the other day. Simplifying life can actually also do wonders for the kids' independence.

It's important to praise the kids when they do something but make it a deliberate praise. As parents, we are often in an autopilot mode. We tend to say things like ''that's great'' ''or ''bravo'' for the smallest of things and it's not the best way to go. When we give praise it should be for stuff kids actually accomplish, like when they tie their shoes for the first time or when they build something they are proud of. And when you give praise also make it specific. For example, say ''I like how you drew the eyes on the Teddy'' and not just a general ''great drawing''. Also when giving critiques try not to say things about the kid, like ''bad boy'' or ''YOU are naughty'' make it about the thing they did like ''don't kick your sister, kicking is bad''. Good folks can make bad decisions and do stupid stuff but when we say stuff about them personally it may affect their sense of self-worth. It's generally considered to be more motivating to praise and notice good stuff then to critique and notice bad stuff.
When we command kids to do something, or when we ask them to, it should be elaborate. We all grew up hearing ''because I said so'' but it's really a dumb explanation for any demand, no matter the age. If we elaborate that, for example, it's easier to find things when the room is tidy or that the fish will die if we forget to feed them the kids are getting the picture of the importance of the chore and will more likely do it by themselves. We have the luck of having rabbits so if they run around naked the rabbit bites and if they leave stuff laying around the rabbit eats it. Literally.
One of my all-time favorite parenting hacks, rules, I would even go as far as calling it parenting values, I learned from the books, is boundary setting. It is so important for the kid that we set boundaries. I once read a great comparison that stuck with me to this day:

Childhood is like a bridge over a canyon. If the bridge has fences, boundaries, the child will walk over the bridge more securely.

There is a great book I read, twice, and I think I'll read it a few more times because I am by no means a great parent yet, from Jasper Juul ''Here I am! Who are you?'' about setting boundaries, both for yourself and your kid. I found that boundaries are something we as adults often struggle with. Whether it is in personal relationships, work, or when it comes to our bodies and self-restraint. I highly recommend the book. Setting boundaries and clear rules won't stop your child from testing them and pushing them and braking them. It also doesn't mean that the boundaries or rules should be set in stone. It's a hell of a thin line to walk. But if you stay firm and secure in yourself, and the rules you made, it will do wonders for managing through the day. Kids are always eager to please us and to do stuff that makes us happy and clear rules make that easy for them and means less frustration on both sides.

But maybe most important stuff we can provide our kids are unconditional love, unstructured play, and presence of body and mind. Sincere talk and true listening to our kid are important. It makes them feel important and it makes them feel secure in their voice. If they believe they are heard and that their voice is respected they will be more prone to speak up for themselves and others even if we are not around. If we let them play freely and with other peers, without meddling, they will learn to resolve conflict, wait for turns, take leadership and respect others. If we love unconditionally it will make them secure and more prone to risk-taking and be figuring out the world without us holding their hand. I see unconditional love as an Island in the sea. Like the Moana mother island maybe. If they know that the island is there no matter what they will feel more secure to swim out to the see. If we put our love and attention under conditions it's like a ship that has a capricious captain. They will be scared the ship will sail away if they say or do the wrong thing. So they will be more prone to sticking to the ship, scared it will sail away.

A great video about the basic distinction between structured and unstructured play.

I found a few new awesome woman bloggers this morning through a lovely steemer @ameliabartlett and it inspired me to search for blog posts that accompany my blog by these two bloggers I follow on Facebook for years now: Paa.la and Motherwise. They both mother kind of, off the grid and encourage independence in kids by letting them do stuff on their own our overly protected society often doesn't allow kids to do anymore.

And as a soundtrack to this piece of mine, a Disney song, of course.