Kong is a shit show.

I must have you know that I'm a HUGE MONSTER fan to the point I don't mind if a plot is shallow. I am VERY EASY TO PLEASE when it comes to movies (Pacific Rim and Godzilla gave me borderline orgasm and eargasm) , just design monsters that MAKE SENSE.

What is a monster that makes sense?

1. Have an anatomy that's functional.
2. Body parts must serve a purpose that is vital to the monster's battle skills or survival.
3. Make original monster sounds that can't be bought from soundcloud.com

An example of a monster that makes sense is the big ass worm from the movie Tremors. Spikes all along its elongated body enables it to dig underground with the speed of an F1 car. Never mind that you only get to see the monster at the end of the movie, its anatomy makes sense.

Second example of a monster that makes sense is the Xenomorph from Alien. No need to include images, just to prove that the creature design is so iconic, it owns the word 'alien' and has a multi-million dollar franchise AND SHIT TON OF COPYCATS for its design which I will talk about in another post.

Back to the topic. Yes, I will be ranting about Kong.

The plot, fight choreography, and obviously, monster design. I will be doing it chronologically.

Unlike most movies, you get to see KONG in the first 3 minutes of the movie. The introduction gives you an impression that Kong's plot will be fast-paced, and that the director wouldn't waste any time on unnecessary details and plot twists. Monster movies rarely have plot twists but that's alright because people want to see some monster action.

The story is set in 1971, and overall I liked the colour correction of this movie in the beginning; yellowish tinge for a vintage feel. The team behind this really put in a great effort with the set to evoke the feeling of being in 1971.

Anyhow, these 2 scientist guys managed to assemble a team of aviation soldiers and a bloodthirsty workaholic Colonel Packard (well played by Samuel L Jackson) who doesn't know what to do with his life after the war. And then, they paid Lengzai Loki a handsome incentive to join the team's deathwish to uncharted land.

Then they recruit a lenglui photoghrapher. Because if no lenglui, no ppl watch.

Okay so the team is ready, and now everyone is planning to bomb the shit out the island for "scans" to which nobody objects. I am so proud of my species and how we antagonize the unknown.

Halong Bay is beautiful. I was very excited at this point because like, if you watch this in cinema, the scenery is really breathtaking. The director spent 1 whole minute showing the audience what a magical place this is.

And what do you do when you enter magical land?

This is why we can't have nice things.

Anyhow, as aforementioned, the plot is very fast paced and the director wastes no time. Kong comes into the picture after about 9 explosion scenes. The special effects are, as expected, up to Hollywood expectations, and largely demonstrated through Kong's rampage when he destroys one chopper after another.

So far, so good, right? Kong leaves, and no more choppers. Predictably, everyone is lost and the group is split between Team Loki and Asshole Packard. Team Loki's new mission is now to find a way to get the attention of a rescue ship.

Meanwhile, Asshole Packard is adamant about rescuing a stranded soldier on the other side of god-knows-where.

Within less than 5 minutes, the director wastes no time in introducing majestic monsters that reign in this newly discovered island. The good and the bad.

At this point, the movie has raised my expectation of their creature designs. Big buffalos. Big ugly spiders.

It won't be so bad, right?

I think the director heard my internal monologue and took it as a challenge. Anyhow, pay attention to this part.

First, this stranded soldier (that Asshole Packard is supposed to rescue) was washing up in the water. And then the director lets us catch a glimpse of the sea monster that obviously has tentacles.

So, okay I'm just going to assume it's salt water. It also makes sense to assume so because it's Halong Bay. **Halong Bay is at the sea... right?

Then Kong appears to walk out from nowhere, not making a sound until he enters the scene, which makes no sense. Never mind that; now we learnt that Kong is so tall, the water level is, to him, ankle-deep.

And then Kong squat down to drink water. Okay, I must be mistaken.
Maybe it's a freshwater river right? Some more the water is so shallow....

And then this happened.

Dafuq? I'm suddenly very confused. So Kong has been drinking sea water (because cephalopods cannot survive in freshwater due to their biology), and then there's a gigantic octopus that ambushed Kong out of ANKLE-DEEP waters.

Niama, where did this come from?

Do you see what I mean?

Free sashimi. Good for you.

Next, we quickly learn that Kong is actually the good guy, the king and god on that island. It is also at this point, we learn that there is a bigger enemy that Kong fights; some big lizard things.

Okay, yay for me, another monster for me to look forward to. And because there's not much about this monster revealed in the trailer, I was anticipating something really majestic + fearsome like a komodo dragon/monitor lizard/crocodile/reptilian kinda thing.

Here's the first look! Got me really excited, ugly face and shit. Like a true monster yeah! I can't wait to see the whole body!

And here's how where it starts getting disappointing.

The monster design lacks originality. It looks like something I doodled on my Sejarah Tingkatan 3 textbook. But nevermind, maybe they have a special fin or tail or something, right? Right?

Tadpole. But damn, that's just some really lazy monster design work there.

In the fight scene between Kong and these two lizardy things, it' becomes highly apparent that the team didn't put any thought into this monster design at all. The anatomy is shit.

So this monster is supposed to

1. Scratch, dig underground, jump, and everything with just two hands and really smooth skin?
2. Balance it's highly disproportionate body on one hand, but has no visibily strong muscles on its abdomen to support, much less a pelvic bone to keep its tail and body above the ground?
3. Whip its tail with a body like that?

They did a better job designing this pterodactyl thing that Samuel L Jackson shoots dead 15 seconds into its screen time...

... and this stick insect monster thing with less than 20 sec screen time.

I don't get it.

If only they put in half the effort of designing its mouth, into designing its body.

Fast forward to team Loki at the tribal village again, where brunette photographer did the blondest thing you can ever imagine when stumbling upon this scene.

Ah, very helpful indeed.

Predictably, Kong is here to save the day. Now, please take note of this very important scene. This is the one and only encounter Kong has with this woman. No physical contact, no communication. he just frowns and grunts at her before turning around to leave.

Finally, the plot is building up to the climax whereby team Loki and Asshole Packard reunite.

Now the whole group is threatened to go pick up that stranded soldier on the opposite side of where the exit is, which is also where those shit-designed monsters live. Being in a movie, of couse they ALL have to risk more lives to go get that man.

So hurray, the group made it out, and make themselves easy targets but walking in an open field with big bones strewn across the plains. Wise choice, Loki.

Question, everyone! What do you do when you come across a danger zone?
WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT.

What takes place next is also predictable. The lizardy monsters come out, eat up a few people, vomit out some people, the group discovered that it's a bad idea and they gotta bolt asap.

I still can't get over how much of a lazy-design-job this is.

So a bunch of people died, the group decided to split up again because Asshole Packard wants to kill Kong, and Team Loki is having none of his bullshit.

Night comes, and for no reason at all, Loki and the chick went hiking, and encountered Kong.

What should you do when confronted by a giant wild animal?
Touch its face, of couse.

And bare your teeth.

10 minutes after that scene that serves no purpose to the plot whatsoever, Asshole Packard bombs the shit out of the gorilla and Kong falls. But due to the fast-paced nature of this movie, so in 5 minutes, he wakes back up to fight the boss of the lizardy monster thing.

The boss thing has got extra horns on both elbow. I'm guessing its largely for aesthetic purposes because without legs and pelvic muscles, there's no way you can actually inflict any signifanct injury with those.

Over all the boss looks just the same like his minions. Just bigger and more wrinkly. Predictably, Kong arrives on time to save the day again. Here, you get to see the details of both monsters.

I'm actually frustrated at the whole anatomy of the lizard thing itself rather than the aesthetics. But at least this one has thick skin and it makes sense for it to dig underground without scaring it's smooth skin unlike its underlings with baby smooth skin.

The more you watch them fight, the more you feel that the lizardy thing is really cacat. Evolution doesn't seem to apply in this world because it's giving this lizardy thing all very redundant and dysfunctional body parts. How the fuck can this thing whip its tail without pelvic and tailbone.

Don't say snake ok? I keep snakes before and they don't wip their tails, monitor lizards do.

Just look at this bullshit. Wrap the tail around the body some more. I kenot.

And then right after this, Kong lost his balance and fell on top of some ship. Before he knew it, he is TANGLED IN CHAINS.

I can no longer keep up with the director's otherworldly imaginations.

Human shooting machine gun at you. What do you do?
Walk slowly like a typical monster and give them ample time.

The battle ends when Kong risked his life to save the photographer chick (whom he's supposed to have a strong emotional bond with after she touched his face) and pulled the brains out from the lizardy monster's mouth. That's nice. Then he leaves the chick behind with Loki and disappears into mountains like any hero would in a hero movie.

The end.

TL;DR: Don't watch.

My rating for this movie is 4/10.

The internet gave Kong at least a 6/10. Don't trust online movie reviews... half of them are paid.

Thank you for taking your time to read my long rant about this movie. If you wanna watch Kong visit the link below:
http://123movietv.com/watch/kong-skull-island-2017-123movietv.html

Upvote my post if you find this rant entertaining!